Student Review Contest #10

[Two-twenty]

Well, it's review writing time again, and as interest in these contests is kinda falling a little, I thought it would be best to do a theme that is both easy to write reviews for and a goddamn whole lot of fun as well. That being said, this contest's theme is:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v486/Twotwenty/failtheme.jpg

I know the Anime Academy likes to see reviews for anime around the 70% - 80% area as it shows that the reviewer has the capability to discern the good from the bad, but lets face it, if an anime gets cocked up, there is nothing more satisfying than throwing stones, ranting, beating it down and generally tearing it a new arse hole. That's right! For this contest you have to write a review for bad anime.

Normal rules and guidlines apply of course:

Rules

1. One entry per person.
2. Only completed anime can be reviewed.
3. Reviews that are posted after the two week deadline will be disqualified.
4. Entries are final. Once a review is posted no more editing is allowed, regardless of whether it is still before the deadline.
5. The winner chooses the next theme and hosts the next contest.
6. Reviews must involve at least a title, review, summary and grade.
7. The review and summary must be written by you.
8. No entering a review that has previously been entered in an Anime Academy lounge review contest.
9. Fully clarify your theme. Do not be vague or over restrictive.

Guidelines

1. While it is not mandatory, including series details such as title alternatives; genre; company; format; dates; highs and lows; screenshots and a captioned screenshot, are looked upon favourably.
2. The preferred word count is about 300-500 words, as per the Anime Academy main page.
3. Previously written reviews are allowed to be entered as long as they don't break rule #8.

This contest will close in about two weeks, Australian EST.

Have fun!

[Scoot]

I shotgun Tekken!

[Sorrow-kun]

I'm in. It'll give me an excuse to review Kagehime.

Shoulda put this off by about 6 weeks, though. I think I would have just had so much fun writing a review for Yoake mae yori ruriro na.

[Shadowmage]

Ah, a very fun premise to exploit... and as an added bonus Sorrow-kun and Scoot are competing. Count me in.

[C0MPL3X]

How bad do they have to be...? The worst completed animes I've seen are probably Hellsing and Elfen Lied...which I wouldn't grade below 60% anyway o_0

[Shadowmage]

Title: Knights of Ramune, a.k.a. VS Knight Lamune & 40 Fresh, a.k.a. VS Kishi Lamune & 40 Honou
Genre: Action
Company: Ashi Productions/King Records
Format: 6 OVA
Dates: 4/3/1996 to 9/25/1996

The world is at the brink of destruction as the massive army of the Giga Genos conquers planet after planet in hopes of ruling the universe. In order to halt the advance of this threat, two warriors, Cacao and Parfait, are sent to find the missing fourth warrior named Ramunes. Little do they know that their target is actually the leader of Giga Genos. –Summary by Shadowmage

Grade: 22%

Highs: Absolutely nothing

Lows: You name it, it’s got it

There was once a time when I was willing to watch an anime free of bias. I was willing to explore beyond my niche and see a mediocre series to its conclusion. The Knights of Ramunes took this ideology, shredded it, pissed on the pieces, and blew up the remains to kingdom come. Never again will I watch an anime without potential or intelligent hype.

There is nothing worse than watching a series try its hand at everything only to recoil in sheer horror of having ruined everything. Drama, romance, comedy, giant-fighting-robots, the series has got it all. The Knights of Ramunes could have been considered decent had it not so utterly failed at everything. The character development is laughable; the plot predictable. The only thing that can be considered remotely good is the voice acting. However, with the characters spewing out a trash of a script left and right, this series digs itself a hole large enough to invite Tekken, Yumeria and all the other rubbish for one giant orgy you don’t want to be in.

The Knights of Ramunes promises nothing and delivers nothing. A part of me wishes I could say that the series started with some potential, but there is none to speak of; this is a bona fide, empty calorie candy bar that tastes like old cardboard. The aggregate entertainment value of the series breaks the zero threshold and starts to go into the negatives. Even among the worst of anime, it is rare to watch show that actually hunts down and kills dopamine.

Alas, I must digress. Despite its many failures, I must give some credit to the anime; it doesn’t make you want to quit the series at any time. No, it makes you want to quit anime.

[Two-twenty]

How bad do they have to be...? The worst completed animes I've seen are probably Hellsing and Elfen Lied...which I wouldn't grade below 60% anyway o_0
60% is still bad in my eyes (and anyone bad-mouthing Elfen Lied instantly wins points for me) so go for it. If not, you have two weeks to find one and review it! :p

Yay! Shadowmage is in!

[L-sama]

Best. Theme. Ever. :icon_danc

[L-sama]

Anime: Ninja Resurrection AKA Makai Tensho
Genre: Action/Drama
Company: Phoenix Animation
Format: 2 OVA
Dates: 2/27/1998 to 3/27/1998

17th Century Japan. Under the ruling of the new Tokugawa Shogunate, all Christian followers and priests are to be either killed or cast off into exile. Among the exiled is Shiro Amakusa, a priest said to fulfill a prophecy that would save the Christian faith and its people. In retaliation, a skilled samurai named Jubei and his group of ninjas are summoned to kill him and his followers before this prophecy can come to happen. However, according to the prophecy, should Shiro’s mission be stopped, Satan will appear and all will be doomed. Now, Jubei must go up against the Devil himself as well as demons from a past long forgotten. -Summary by L-sama



Score: 24%

Highs: There isn’t a sequel
Lows: This might take a while…


There comes a time in every anime watcher’s life that he or she must stare pure horror in the face and, as much as one may not want to, watch an anime that makes their skin crawl. Though the amount of gore is one reason, this anime makes my skin crawl due to its sheer atrociousness.

I can honestly say that this anime did have a decent introduction. The narration, read over stills of maps and old pictures, paints a picture of a potentially decent story. The instant the real animation starts, however, all of the hype is lost in a sea of dismembered corpses. When I say sea, I mean it. The amount of blood and gore in these 2 OVA alone is more than enough to almost give Berserk a run for its money; even two children are slaughtered and their decapitated heads are shown to the viewer. If you think that these action scenes are well animated, think again. For a 1997 OVA, the animation is horrific, using stills to simulate the ninja “dashing” by and killing guards along the way. Let’s also not forget the gratuitous sex scenes that do absolutely nothing for the main story line and are equally difficult, if not more so, to stomach. Though the gloomy style of art fits well enough, it is no where near enough to bring this title out of mediocrity.

To make matters worse, Ninja Resurrection is historically based. If the producers would have stuck to the time period in question, this series may have gone down a bit easier. Instead, they decide that Jubei’s crew should have a little help in their battles. The ninjas somehow come across the wonders of 20th century technology in their fight against Shiro and his followers; one ninja even sports a rocket launcher (Yes, you read correctly) and another flies overhead with the aid of a jet pack. Keep in mind, folks, that this anime is taking place in the Japan of the 1600’s.

I really can’t say anything more without repeating myself. If you want a good series based off of real Japanese history, pick up something like Rurouni Kenshin instead. However, if you’re a masochist, then by all mean, pick up Ninja Resurrection at your own risk. Fair warning though, this might even be too painful for a masochist to watch.

[Ninja Realist]

http://img149.imageshack.us/img149/8339/ffsanimedd3.jpg
...with those vacant, cow-like eyes that could dull razor blades.

Title: Fatal Fury: The Motion Picture

Genre: Action

Company: Shochiku

Format: 1 Movie

Dates: 7/16/1994

Summary: Sometime in the early 90’s Terry Bogard, and the rest of the Fatal Fury Crew crossed paths with Laocorn and Sulia, fraternal twins. Laocorn is trying to recover the Armor of Mars so that he may become the most powerful being in the world while Sulia is trying to stop him. Terry and co. inevitably side with Sulia to try and stop her megalomaniac brother. Aimless wandering ensues.

Grade: 11%

Highs: The cheesy special moves weren’t as excruciating as they could have been.

Lows: This anime is a completely worthless by-product of the worst kind of human greed.


I always take my cat to the vet. He’s a pretty chill cat, but even he gets pretty uneasy when you put him in a cage and then drop him into a frightening and sterile vet's office to be poked and prodded and anally probed. So I go along and do my best to make him feel as comfortable as I can while he’s at the vet's mercy. So as you can imagine, I’ve had to see and touch some pretty gross things on my many trips to that glistening white purgatory. Pus-oozing blisters, split kitty fingers, many shades and consistencies of horrifying cat diarrhea are all things I’ve been forced to view and smell at the Vet’s. But one episode, though less scatologically obscene, was far more disturbing.

My kitty had been feeling sick for a while and he’d been losing weight at a frightening pace. Once he dropped down to 7 lbs, one fewer than his usual 8, I decided I couldn’t put it off any longer and took him into the vet’s office. He didn’t have a fever, nor as far as Dr. Nebbles could tell, any kind of serious illness. She was completely perplexed. But then, like a bolt from the blue, the culprit reared it’s ugly head( and I mean this quite literally). While my cat hunched over, as if he was about to take a crap on the table, a two inch—white hued—flatworm, came wriggling out of his large intestine. It was one of the most vile and repulsive creatures I have ever seen. That it came wriggling out of my cat’s anus was less disgusting than the fact that this massive thing had actually lived there for a significant period of time.

Now that may seem like an unnecessarily disgusting story but it’s an apt comparison to Fatal Fury. Awful video game adaptations like this are very similar to intestinal parasites, living in the gut of the anime industry, siphoning off market share and resources from far worthier productions. They have no inherent value and serve only to irritate and impede the beast that they live off of.

Many people apologize for Fatal Fury by saying it’s not as bad as it could have been or by suggesting that fans of the video game might find something to like here. I would say these people have very low standards. Something may not be as bad as it could be but if it's unwatchable the degree of unwatchability is irrelevant. And as for the video game fans, you will find nothing to like here. Suggesting that fans of the Fatal Fury video game would like the Fatal Fury Movie is like suggesting that R Kelly fans would like to watch him piss on a 14 Year Old Girl. This movie is still a steaming pile, and that video still features a golden shower. Neither do anything but disgrace the R&B Legend/Video Game icon which star in them.

Normally when one reviews an anime you essentially explain the premise and list ithe anime's good and bad qualities. Then you string them together in such a way that the reader will find the review interesting. In the case of a great anime one explains why it is such an achievement and then mentions the few quips that separate it from perfection. Or in the case of a particularly terrible anime, one will try to salvage a few redeeming qualities from what is essentially a shipwreck. But in the case of an anime like Fatal Fury all you can do is pile bad upon bad until you have something vaguely resembling a dung-heap.

The problem with this anime's plot is that it’s simply incoherent. It doesn’t reach the almost comical depths of incoherency found in such abominations as CosPrayers but that doesn’t change the fact that this movie, while retaining a skeleton of a plot, makes no real sense. In fact, that this film seemingly tries to be coherent and fails miserably makes it more depressing and unbearable to watch than something so whimsically bad that it resembles a salvia hallucination. Dream sequences, dance numbers, and impromptu deforestation melt together to form something vaguely reminiscent of a Matthew Barney film, but with none of the subtext or the visual intensity. The characters are equally skeletal. In terms of depth and fullness, the characters of Fatal Fury are almost like Holocaust Survivors or Anorexics: frail shells, that seem only marginally human. The deepest characters are the original ones and even they are basically no more than stereotypes with laughable back stories. It’s a testament to the cookie-cutter nature of these original characters that two significant figures from the twins’ back-story are left nameless.

And then there’s the dialogue. Grating is one word to describe, insipid is another, but the best and simplest word to describe it is unbearable. I must admit I missed a lot of the visuals in this atrocity because I had my head in my hands so much of the time. I mean this stuff is not only poorly written but it is delivered with all the subtlety of an ICBM, yet with none of that device's technical brilliance or stunning power. I’m not just hyperbolizing when I say that I was actually embarrassed for the voice actors. It’s really that bad.

That there are other body parts to be pulled from the wreckage of this film is meaningless. It was dead on arrival anyways. I mean it doesn’t really matter that it’s also missing hands and feet when the corpse is decapitated and disemboweled. Towards the climax of this movie Terry poises, with quite horrible voice acting by the way, a seemingly obvious question whose answer also explains why this movie is so bad, “I love you Sulia…but why do you have to die?” Sulia has to die because she has a gaping hole in her chest, and this movie is sucks because it has a gaping hole too: a yawning maw where most of the elements of a narrative should be.

[AlterGenesis-X]

I wonder if I a have legitimate bad anime review that I don't have to write. I guess I'll go check the archives. :D

[Mana]

Awwwww..... this almost makes me wish that I weren't a professor so I could write for these theme ;_;' Don't worry, though... you'll have an official bad anime review from Mana in December sometime >.>;;; *scuttles off*

[ShinoMatrix]

Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge... if only that were over already...

It's been a long time since I even looked into these threads... perhaps it's time to sharpen the pencil and get cracking on my literary exercises again ;)

[Two-twenty]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v486/Twotwenty/pwnonk.gif
I knew you'd have a field day with this topic. I knew it. :D

Alright! Not even 24 hours into it and we've already got 3 reviews and quite a few expressions of interest. Great!

[7Raven7]

Oh heck yeah! Now will it be Ninja Scroll or Lain that gets the beatdown...

[Datsun]

Heh. Nice one Realist. Not sure on how I'd rate your work as an anime review, but as a general commentary that's freakin' legendary!

Hmmm... I'll try and do a review by the end of the weekend, but I can't decide which one to do out of Ragnarok: The Animation, Gasaraki or Reign The Conqueror?

[Blue Audio]

Title: Dragonball Z
Summary: Goku kills evil aliens and has a secret love affair with his son.

Highs: SUPER SAIYAN 58
Lows: SUPER SAYAIN 1 - 57

Review: **** this shit sucked dick. After expunging my bowels all over my TV, I proceeded to ram the DVD boxset in TOEI DOUGA's *******.

Grade: 3%

Yeah, my review is the best.

[Milkymagic]

Title: Dragonball Z
Summary: Goku kills evil aliens and has a secret love affair with his son.

Highs: SUPER SAIYAN 58
Lows: SUPER SAYAIN 1 - 57

Review: **** this shit sucked dick.

Grade: 3%

Yeah, my review is the best.

You gave it 2% more than you should have...

j/k!

[Two-twenty]

Just a friendly reminder that everyone has less than a week to get your reviews in!

[Two-twenty]

Bumping this.

C'mon people! There was such interest in this theme and yet no where near the same amount of turnout. There's 4 days left. You can do it!

[Scoot]

What's the point? We all know Blue Audio is going to win :(

[Sorrow-kun]

Title: Kagihime Eikyuu Alice Rondo aka Key Princess Story: Eternal Alice Rondo
Genre: Action/Drama
Company: Trinet Entertainment/Picture Magic
Format: 13 episodes
Dates: 4 Jan 2006 – 29 Mar 2006

Synopsis: Kirihara Aruto is a big fan of Alternate L. Takion’s two Alice in Wonderland novels, to the extent that he has an expert knowledge of the works, and has even written fan novels based on the Alice universe. One night he sees a girl flying through the moonlit sky that looks exactly how he imagines Alice. He chases after her, however when he catches up he finds the girl, coincidentally named Arisugawa Arisu, in the middle of a deadly battle.

The Highlights
Premise: Beyond ridiculous.
Plot: Poorly paced; never more than mildly interesting.
Characters: The ones that aren’t flat are nonsensical.

http://www.nihonreview.com/images/AnimeKagihime01.jpghttp://www.nihonreview.com/images/AnimeKagihime02.jpghttp://www.nihonreview.com/images/AnimeKagihime03.jpg

As a guide to the quality of a series, I’ve never found the first episode to be exceptionally reliable. All too often what appears to be an intriguing series at its outset turns out to be a disappointment, or what displays no promise turns into a big, welcome surprise. However, there are some anime that have such ridiculous, mind-numbing first episodes that it’s obvious that the rest of the series is going to be horrendous. Kagihime Eikyuu Alice Rondo is such an anime.

The best way to demonstrate the absurdity of this anime is to describe its premise. The story follows a generic male lead and his two moé-instilled love interests (one of whom is his blood-related sister) as they travel into the customary hidden dimension to fight magically imbued females for their “stories,” which are extracted on the conclusion of the battle by plunging their key-swords betwixt the sizable bosoms of their defeated foes (most “seekers of Alice,” as these magical girls are called, experience an enlargement of breasts upon their obligatory transformation sequence before each battle). It is, in other words, a fairly standard mahou shoujo plot-line, infused with some harem, shounen action and fantasy elements… and then stirred together frenetically to make a disgusting mess and an inevitable identity crisis.

Ignore, momentarily, that a lot of the elements were aimed at the lowest common denominator and many scenes were played out purely for fanservice, and there’s no reason why Kagihime needed to have been such a bad series. But, the plot is an absolute chore to get through. After the first few episodes introduce the characters, the focus turns to a succession of episodic fights with throwaway antagonists that make little impact to the story or characters. The characters are flat and when the few that are offered backstories have them finally revealed, some of them are so ridiculous I literally buried my head in my hands in despair. Every now and then an intriguing plot twist transpires, more frequently towards the end, but it’s rarely enough to even mildly pique my interest in the story. For whatever reason, the main story actually concludes in the penultimate episode, and the series finishes with a filler episode. A good story really should climax at its end… but surely what I’ve described is not a good story.

The aesthetics are poor. Many fight scenes are laughable; comparable to Kannaduki no Miko (http://www.nihonreview.com/wordpress/anime/kannaduki-no-miko/)’s parody-of-what battle sequences, minus the mecha. The animation is rarely crisp and fluid when it needs to be and the music is forgettable and sometimes irritating. The visual experience is further hindered by some rather distracting character designs, though it’s something that becomes less noticeable with time. Overall, Kagihime has very little going for it. Its story is boring, the majority of its cast is lacking in personality, let alone any depth and the art is unattractive. However, the worst thing about Kagihime is just how ridiculous it can be when it so chooses. Avoid. Even as mindless entertainment, this delivers sporadically at best.

The Rating: 3
http://www.nihonreview.com/images/rank3.png

Reviewed by: Sorrow-kun

[Two-twenty]

Just a reminder that you have just one more day to get an entry in. Five isn't a bad number of reviews at all, but I wouldn't mind seeing one or two more!

[7Raven7]

Ghost in the Shell
43%
Title:Ghost in the Shell
Genre:Sci-Fi
Comapany:Production IG
Format:1 Movie
Dates:1995
[INSERT PICTURE OF MY FRIEND SLEEPING ON THE COUCH]
Synopsis:
Only a human can have a ghost but in the futuristic world no one is without some form of cybernetic enhancement and with each mind tied to the web, everyone is hackable. This is where Section 9 comes in, a division of law enforcement devoted to stopping all cyber crimes. Almost completely cybernetic herself, team member Major Kusanagi Motoko is personally interested in their next case, code name “The Puppet Master,” who is hacking other peoples' ghosts and is possibly the first entity to achieve a ghost itself without any human components. But where did it originate from, what are its goals and, most importantly, how can it be stopped?

Highs:
Like Final Fantasy:S.W. set the standard in
high-end animation, was able to achieve
record sales on hype alone.

Lows:
Like Final Fantasy:S.W. has no other
redeeming factors what-so-ever in areas
of characters, story or music.

[INSERT PICTURE OF ME GETTING UP HALF-WAY TO MAKE A POPTART]

Review:
The world held its breath in anticipation and the day finally came for Mamoru Oshii’s (Patlabor) next great brainchild to be released. And it was as great as everyone had expected it to be… if only in their minds. To try and put down on paper where Ghost in the Shell went wrong is now the monumental task of this review. Whether it be a case of hype over sense, Akira-like abridgement of another manga, or the trade off from what normally makes an anime good for high production values and fan service, take your pick.

It doesn’t seem like it would be that bad. The beginning sequence shows a stunning display of animation, albeit CG assisted, that the world had ever seen up to this point. Some guy's head gets his blown off: check! Cue the not-terrible opening theme and the building of a cybernetic… and naked chick: check! And while it does lure you into believing this is going to be a compelling action movie, every author knows you might not judge a book by its cover, but certainly for more than its opening line.

The downside? Do not expect to understand any of the characters much deeper than the two-dimensional puppets they play inside the Section 9 team. Do not expect any background on the villain, motives or general happenings therein. Cue the long, lulling music as we leisurely pan through the city: check. Cue another lengthy monologue, one of several that plague this 1hr:22min movie; do not expect to understand this babble without a Doctorate in Philosophy and an MA in Computer Science. Do not expect any action besides the first and last 10 minute segments. Ultimately, do not expect to be entertained unless you like extremes of mindless cinematography and mind numbing techno-jargon.

How this got to be popular, God only knows but we can safely throw it in with Dragon Ball Z and Pokemon. While character development, plot, and good music that fits a title do not appear to be necessary items for record breaking sales, I can proudly stand here a non-conformist and give Ghost in the Shell both thumbs down. It is completely soulless.. er ghostless. At least the series gets better.


Score Breakdown:
Characters / Development: 2
Music, Seiyuu and Sound Effects: 5
Art, Animation and Cinematography: 9.5
Story, Plot, Theme and Symbolism: 4
The Big Picture: 1
(scores + together / 50 * 100 = %)

[Zushio]

If only Zaizen Jotaro had finished...