my story so far(not really a story just an idea so far)

[Nakamura.Kazuma]

ok well, im going to make a manga, well, comic since i dont live in japan, but it'll be manga style, so yeah, here it is.


It's about girl named Akena, her parants die at the age of 4, so she gets moved to a foster home, then 10 years later she goes on a camping trip with her foster family, (foster mom dad and brother) and she goes swimming in a lake, when she's swimming she finds a small purple and black box, she grabs it and hides it under her pillow in her tent, she wait for everyone to fall asleep, then she opens the box and finds a small black pebble inside it, when she grabs it, she gets mental abilities, wich allow her to see into the future as well as in the future, and telikinesies like abilitys also.

thats about all i have so far, here is her profile

Profile for: Akena


Gender: Female
Race: white, american
Age:14
Birthdate: 09/04/1992
Astrological Sign: ------
Chinese Zodiac Sign:------
Blood Type:
Height:5,4
Measurements:skinny
Beliefs/Religion:none
Hobby:sketching
(Twist):none

Basic Description:14 year old girl on a camping trip,
goes swimming and finds a box,
waits till everyones asleep to open it, then gets mental abilities from a pebble
that was inside the box, she keeps the pebble on a necklace


-------------------
Current Information
-------------------
>family background: no parents, (foster child)

>birth place: hospital

>history, background: parants died when she was 4, got sent to foster care, has a room full of drawings

>home: foster home

>possesions, make-up, jewelry, etc.: necklace with pebble that gives her mental abilites

>pets: talking chipmunk


--------------------
Physical Description
--------------------
>hair style: long & soft

>eyes: red

>body:skinny, normal

>physical condition: not very strong

>marks,scar,tattoo: scar on arm from a fight

>clothing: black skirt & white t-shirt


------------
Personality
------------
>likes: none yet

>dislikes: none yet

>fears: darkness, *she flipps out in darkness, her powers go crazy and she cant control herself*

>goals: not quite into the story with charactors yet

>hobbies: sketching

>occupation

>favorite food: doesnt have one

>least favorite food: doesnt have one

>most prized possesion (important or emotional value): pebble

>vernacular (way of speaking):soft

>psychological condition:normal

>character behaviour: normal, nice, hates fighting

>aptitude------?

>social and other pressure, problems-

>relationships (with who and what kind)-none yet

>beliefs, superstition, moral value-

>positive characteristics:nice

>negatives characteristics:

>personality:nice, outgoing, sometimes revengful

>other------

------------
Abilities
------------
>physical:none

>magical: mental abilities

>other:smart, fast reflexes

------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------

i still need some ideas like a rival, for akena, and some more charactors aswell, so if you have some ideas pich em out!



-Matt

[Jeannie]

It's very messy. Put some detail into it. I'll help you out.

Q&A

-What type of relationship does she have with her foster family?
-Is the foster brother also an orphan or a child of the foster parents?
-What type of relationship did she have with her birth parents?
-How did her birth parents die?
-Where does this story take place? (certain country, city, etc.)
-Why does she wait until the rest of the family is asleep before opening the box?
-Does she have any quirks? Odd habits? Anything as a result of being oprhaned?
-Why does she enjoys drawing?
-What type of story is this? (fantasy, drama, comedy, etc.)
-What are her positive and negative characteristics? (I saw you mentioned that ut you need to be more precise. he can't be perfect.)

There are many more things you can work on. Like the setting, the plot and the actual story. If you want some help please feel free to ask. I love helping with peoples stories (oddly enough...)

[Tbaism]

Your character strikes me as an enigma. The isntance I read it an albino flew into my head.

It seems the story can be a real mystery and if you kept your style and brought it together at the end, ...well I would read it.

[Nakamura.Kazuma]

okay,
the relationship with her foster family: not good, she gets treated like crap.

realationship with birth parents: very good but they didnt like the fact she was neko(half human half cat)

parents died byplane crash

story takes place, in america, state of michigan, made up city called livania

she waits untill family falls asleep b4 opening box becuase they'll take it away from her like everything else.

odd things are she is a neko person(half human half cat)

she enjoys drawing becuase it's all she ever gets to do.

story type: fantasy/drama

negative charectoristics are, she's short tempered

oh and it's she not he, lol

edit: qoute:Your character strikes me as an enigma. The isntance I read it an albino flew into my head.

It seems the story can be a real mystery and if you kept your style and brought it together at the end, ...well I would read it./qoute

no way, i normally suck at storys, but i think this one might turn out pretty good.

[[-=[montney]=-]]

Indeed Jeannie does make some fine accusations.Also mentioning the signifance of why the box was there and what effect do the powers have on her life. Stuff of that sort. You can't just be vague like: Akena dives into the water and sees a objet a strange purplish-black and swims twords it. She sees that it is a box and takes it. Why does she take it? Why is it a stone? Does the box have a inscripton on it? How does she know the stone gives her powers? When does she realise it? How long does it take for her to realse it? What does she do with the powers? Stuff like that. And learn how to use the quotes. edit: qoute:Your character strikes me as an enigma. The isntance I read it an albino flew into my head.

It seems the story can be a real mystery and if you kept your style and brought it together at the end, ...well I would read it./qoute

[Nakamura.Kazuma]

=-]']Indeed Jeannie does make some fine accusations.Also mentioning the signifance of why the box was there and what effect do the powers have on her life. Stuff of that sort. You can't just be vague like: Akena dives into the water and sees a objet a strange purplish-black and swims twords it. She sees that it is a box and takes it. Why does she take it? Why is it a stone? Does the box have a inscripton on it? How does she know the stone gives her powers? When does she realise it? How long does it take for her to realse it? What does she do with the powers? Stuff like that.

yeah im still brainstorming on that stuff, but if you have any ideas please share

[Tbaism]

The albino hit me at first glance

I have read a lot of books, not manga, so I may be a little out of my league.

I wouldn't shout out everything in the beginning or in the first story. Ifs it good, make a sequel.

[[-=[montney]=-]]

Oh and you mean Nekomata right? Neko in japanesse slang means: Neko is equivalent to femme, i.e the more feminine member of a lesbian relationship, as well as the equivalent to bottom, or passive partner in a homosexual relationship (especially in terms of anal sex). See the article on Homosexuality in Japan- Qupte Wikipedia.

[Nakamura.Kazuma]

i edited my post, look

[[-=[montney]=-]]

Ok then I was just saying.

[Jeannie]

Ok, that's much better! Ready for more Q&A?

-Why does her foster family treat her badly?
-Why and how is she part cat? Was one of her parents part cat? (Is she some type of demon thing? Like a Kitsune maybe?)
-What does the name "Akena" symbolize?
-Is her foster family takes things away from her, how does she manage to draw and post her pictures up in her room?


Ah, now for suggestions.

I think you should make Akena a normal girl. No cat characteristics. One, there's really no reason to have these abilities and two... well, if it takes place in America then theres no way to back it up without going into a Harry Potter like story of how she was born that way.

I personally think you story would benefit with less fantasy influence and more real life influence. I really like the idea of her gaining telekinetic powers but I would refrain from things like talking chimpmunks and just let her develop as a real person.

That being said, when she is begining to realize she can see into the future, do it in a That's So Raven type of fashion. I don't mean have her make a weird face like she's consitpated and then have retarded friends act surprsided when stuff happens... Maybe have her like, only see the future in her dreams or randomly for very brief moments.


Once we work some of that out we can develop some more character to introduce. Meanwhile, do you have any drawings of Akena?

[Nakamura.Kazuma]

yeah i'll do that

[[-=[montney]=-]]

May I ask: What is "That so Raven"? Please enlighten me.

[Jeannie]

That's So Raven (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/That%27s_So_Raven) is a TV series on the Disney Channel.

Here are some clips to better explain what I was referring to.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=_Uh_UKga-1I&search=That%27s%20So%20Raven%20Vision


Sorry, it's in some other language... but anyway, that's her seeing into the future and the face she makes while doing so...

[Nakamura.Kazuma]

Akena: The Beginning full name: Akena Sokamaru
--------------------

Akena wakes up yawing, steps into the hallway
of her home
yawns, then goes to eat some cereal, while eating
the cereal
her foster dad yells in her ear "get ready where going
camping
you peice of trash!" she rinses out her bowl and
back into her
to pack, she packs clothes and her notepad & pencil.


she walks out into the van where her foster
family is waiting.
she gets in and throws her stuff in the back, they
drive off.
she falls asleep and has a dream of her past childhood,
she was at a
carnival with her mom & dad, then she has the memory
of when she was
on a plane trip with her parents, and then when they
crashed, everything was
hazy in veiw for her, she laid down and opened her
eyes and saw another young
girl about her age get taken into an ambulence, she
got taken into the same one.


Akena asked her what her name was and she said "my
name is sakiera" Akena smiled
and said "my names Akena" they arrive at the hospital
and get taken into
different rooms, Akena saysbefore they get out of
ambulance " i hope i can see you
again" sakiera smiles and get taken away by doctors.
then Akena wakes up becuase of
a loud honk from the van. her foster dad says
"were hear wake up"


Akena gets her stuff and lays out her tent
next the water, then she throws her
bags in the tent and makes her bed. she then goes
in her tent and puts her bikini on,
then she steps into the water. she swims out as deep
as she can go, then she stubbs
her toe, looking down at where her foot is, she
see's somthing shine in the water.
she goes under and looks at the mysterious object.
it was a small black box the size of a
ring case, she hides it behind her back untill she
gets in her tent, then she puts it
under her pillow.


Then she lays down and listens
the crickets chirp, then when everyone
was finanlly asleep, she opened the box. When she
opened it she saw a small black pebble
the size of a bottlecap, and it glowed with a purple
haze. when she grabbed it from the box
she felt exhausted and went to sleep. when she woke
up she paniced then looked at her hand
and the pebble was there, she then took a peice of
string and tied the rock into a necklace.

that is what i have so far, it's not supposed to be like a story book just detailed enough to make a manga out of it. thats just the very beginning tho, and it's not even close to being finished, if you have any ideas please post them here

[animanic_critic]

Why don't you add some sample dialogue? Maybe we can see where your story's heading...?

[Nakamura.Kazuma]

i'll probobly have someone else actually wright the story & dialoge, i suck at that, but im planning out all the charectors and things that happen, i just need someone to to wright it out with dialoge, so really it's like i say,

she goes to the lake find this pebble blah blah, and they put in the actually details with my opinion also, over aim

[Blonde76]

Hey guys, I'm the lucky one that was chosen to write this story for all of you. Of course it's going to be a manga, if anyone didn't know already. ^-^ I hope everyone liked the first bit I wrote. If you haven't read it yet just ask myself or Nakamura for a copy. Sit back, get a cool beverage and enjoy.