First a story, now poems!?!

[KingVVolf]

OK, so I've been on a huge writing crave. I'd have made this an art thread, but I can't draw, so this is all poems. Please tell me what u think. I'd love to hear some inturperations and feedback.

Fallen Walls

In his hand swung a hammer
It loosely slipped from his fingers
Covered in white plaster
Nothing stood around the man
All that stood was him
He cast his gaze slowly
Nothing blocking his view
His eyes wandered
To where a window once stood
For once he could see
For once he understood
And it was then he realized
He had always been blind

Death of an Angel

It stood high on the cliff
As the wind blew out to the sea
Every gust pushed it towards the edge
Until it plummeted downward
Hitting the rocks below
Blood spattering the wings
It never bothered to open

Never Forget, Never be Forgotten

I lie alone
Thinking all the time
Remembering the past
Living the present
And planning the future
Every breath
Is a reminder of why I live
And why I always shall

[NausicaaBoy]

KingVWolF I love your work ...anyway if your up for it want to collaborate on something some time?


I MOVE MY OTHER POEM TO MY OWN THREAD CALLED MY WRITINGS!!! SUGGESTIONS WELCOME!!!!

[Javer]

The first one's a little wordy. Messes up the rhythm.

But hey, what do I know? :P

[Ashuri]

yeees....good thing you posted those King VVolf or i'd have to yell at'cha ;) good poem Nausicaa Boy. Are you gonna start your own thread soon?

[NausicaaBoy]

I just did. Its called my writings. You can look for some poetry, but mostly a novel that I am currently writing. I will post chapters 1-3 later this week. Suggestions are always welcome.

[silan]

Fallen Walls

In his hand hanged a hammer
It loosely fell from his fingers
Covered in white plaster
Nothing stood around the man
All that stood was him
He looked around slowly
Nothing blocking his view
His eyes wandered
To where a window once stood
For once he could see
For once he understood
And it was then he realized
He had always been blind
First of all, I like the concept of this poem.

But: It is a bit wordy, but at the same time not wordy enough, if that makes any sense. Meaning, I think that the words you are using give us a simple concept of what you're saying. They're straight-forward and to the point. They get the job done. But there are so many other words in the English language that can convey more than just the essential meaning. Take the word "looked" for instance. Alright, so he looked around. But how was he looking around? Was it angrily ("glared")? Was it in an awed or surprised way ("stared")? Was he "gazing", or "ogling", or "scanning", or any number of synonyms? While not all of those are right for this situation, hopefully you see what I'm getting at. You can convey a lot more in a single word by using one of these words that has the connotations that you want to include in it. It will make your poetry and your usage of language that much more rich and more meaningful, as well as more interesting.

The same thing goes for words like "hanged" and "fell" (Is "hanged" even a word? Even if it is, you should use "hung" in this situation; it'll make the words flow better.). For example, for "hanged/hung" you could use "dangled," or "swung", etc. etc. For "fell" you could use "dropped", "plunged", " slipped", "dove", etc. etc.

Death of an Angel

It stood high on the cliff
As the wind blew out to the sea
Every gust pushed it towards the edge
Until it plummeted downward
Hitting the rocks below
Blood spattering the wings
It never bothered opening
One comment: it would sound better to have "to open" instead of "opening" for the last line.

Never Forget, Never be Forgotten

I lay alone
Thinking all the time
Remembering the past
Living the present
And planning the future
Every breath
Is a reminder of why I live
And why I always shall
If this poem is in present tense, then your first line should be "I lie alone." "Lay" is the past tense of "lie" when you are the one doing the lying. (It's the present tense when you are "laying" something else down. Ex.: "I lie down." vs. "I lay the pencil down.")

[Ashuri]

Silan, you don't miss much do you? you mush be an amazing writer. o.o

[silan]

Ha ha ha. That's just my latent English major surfacing again.

Keep it up, VVolf. You show promise.

[KingVVolf]

Thanks a lot for the constructive critiscm. It really does help alot. I understand what you're saying about the first poem too. I think I'll make the changes right now. One thing though. One of my english teachers said that the only time the word hung is used, is if you're talking about a man's certain parts. I thought hung would have sounded better too, but I'm just going by what I've been told in the past.

Here's another poem, btw. I came up with it last night.

Gun to the Head

Pulling the trigger
Won't end the nightmare
You'll just pass the burden
Onto the ones who loved you
While you sleep
Forever peaceful

Ashuri will know what this one means, bc I've told her what happened. For the rest of you, I'll just say that it comes from a real experience. I hope none of u ever have to deal w/ something like it.

[silan]

Thanks a lot for the constructive critiscm. It really does help alot. I understand what you're saying about the first poem too. I think I'll make the changes right now. One thing though. One of my english teachers said that the only time the word hung is used, is if you're talking about a man's certain parts. I thought hung would have sounded better too, but I'm just going by what I've been told in the past.
Wow. What are English teachers thinking these days?! No wonder kids can't write properly if they're being instructed by people like that.

"Hung" is still used as the past tense of the verb "hang." When it's used as a noun, then yeah, it refers to genitalia. But it is the proper past tense of "hang." "Hanged" is only used for a past tense of "hang" when you're literally talking of hanging someone with a noose.

Gun to the Head

Pulling the trigger
Won't end the nightmare
You'll just pass the burden
On the ones who loved you
While you sleep
Forever peaceful
I'm sorry a horrible thing like that happened to you. I can't imagine what it must have been like, although the poem does show your feelings.

Moving to the poem itself, the only thing I have to comment on is the use of "on" in the fourth line. It would be more correct grammatically to say "you'll just pass the burden on to (or onto) the one who loved you." Do with that what you will.

Good job. It's just too bad you had real life inspiration for that one.

[Neo-Hunter]

really enjoyed the poems but i have to agree with silian on the part about your teacher. what was he/ she thinking? no wonder kids can't write or speak well.

[KingVVolf]

Here's another new poem, now that I've had time to write.


The Morning
I used to pray to wake up
So I could see your face again
But one day I couldn’t see it
The sun seemed to have gone out
I mourned the morning
Praying for the night to come
And end my pain
Now I understand
That the sun shines it’s brightest
Now that you aren’t blocking my sight

[LadyYuina]

Here's another new poem, now that I've had time to write.


The Morning
I used to pray to wake up
So I could see your face again
But one day I couldn’t see it
The sun seemed to have gone out
I mourned the morning
Praying for the night to come
And end my pain
Now I understand
That the sun shines it’s brightest
Now that you aren’t blocking my sight

Hmmm, it sounded like you were saying someone was walking in someone else's shadow? And now that they've stepped out they aren't wallowing behind anymore? This is my intepretation, but I might be wrong. Correct me if I am. XD

[Emeraldas]

Fallen Walls

In his hand swung a hammer
It loosely slipped from his fingers
Covered in white plaster
Nothing stood around the man
All that stood was him
He cast his gaze slowly
Nothing blocking his view
His eyes wandered
To where a window once stood
For once he could see
For once he understood
And it was then he realized
He had always been blind

Death of an Angel

It stood high on the cliff
As the wind blew out to the sea
Every gust pushed it towards the edge
Until it plummeted downward
Hitting the rocks below
Blood spattering the wings
It never bothered to open

Never Forget, Never be Forgotten

I lie alone
Thinking all the time
Remembering the past
Living the present
And planning the future
Every breath
Is a reminder of why I live
And why I always shall

The line "All that stood was him" in your first poem is redundant. His solitude was established in the previous line, so there's really no need to mention it again.
Also, the epiphany at the end, if that's what you were going for, is too vague. What is he blind to? Why is he now realizing it? You presented fairly interesting imagery, but didn't back it up.

The second poem seems to be simply an image that popped into your head. If that's the case, the image of an angel's death is one that has been done to death (pardon the pun) in poetry. The cliff-diving and bloody wings are images that have been revisited so many times that readers are desensitized to them, so unless you want to try to bring something new to the concept, it's best to just leave it alone.

The third poem shares the same problem as the second. Nothing new is really added to the whole "carpe diem" idea and it's just a repetition of cliches.

[KingVVolf]

^Thanks for the critiscm, but I rly don't agree. The first, now that u mention it, it is redundant, I just never thought of it. The 2nd one, like u said, is basically based around the phrase Carpe Diam. The third one is where I disagree. That one really didn't have much of a point to it when I wrote it. It was one of those poems that just kinda flows out of u, w/o u really knowing what you're writing.

Also, LadyYuina, that is a good interpretation, and everyone is suppose to pull something different from it. What I intended though was just self realization. Having someone and being so happy, and then losing them. At first, it sucks utterly and completely, but then u get over it, and realize that you're way better off without the person.

I've got another poem written for my creative writing class, so when I get it back, I'll post it.

[Emeraldas]

^Thanks for the critiscm, but I rly don't agree. The first, now that u mention it, it is redundant, I just never thought of it. The 2nd one, like u said, is basically based around the phrase Carpe Diam. The third one is where I disagree. That one really didn't have much of a point to it when I wrote it. It was one of those poems that just kinda flows out of u, w/o u really knowing what you're writing.

I assume you mean the second one when you say third, because the third one is the "carpe diem" one.

I'm not sure where you disagree since you say it didn't have a point. :P

[KingVVolf]

Now that u mention it, I feel stupid for saying that. ^_^;. What I meant was that I wasn't rly pushing towards the "carpe diam" motif on the third one. Then again, everyone has there own interpretation. On the second poem, what I was going for is "unused potential". Yet again, everyone has there own interpretation. I also see how that falls along the lines of "carpe diam". Anyways, can u tell mw what u think of the other 2? I'd love to hear more constructive critiscm.

[KingVVolf]

Chained Wings

The hope he has
Gives the angel his wings
That spread wider
Than he ever thought possible
As he takes off
He's pulled back down by the chains
He sits there motionless
As she walks towards him
The heart in his throat
Won't let him ask the question
"Will you free me from the chains
Or will you clip my beautiful wings?"

Just Like

Hell with you would feel
Just like heaven to me
The hot coals that burn my feet feel
Just like soft, pillowy clouds
The flames that seer my face feel
Just like a gentle fall breeze
Those agonizing tortures would feel
Just like the greatest pleasure
As long as I have you I feel
Like I'm really alive

The Mountain

High above everyone else
The little boy looks down below
A push from behind
Sends him toppling down
He hits the ground hard
Bones broken, heart ripped in two
His eyes look towards the skies
And he knows what he must do
Can't the cliff be higher
Can't the fall hurt more
Can't pain last a little longer
So when I make back up top
I can appreciate how far I've come
Before I ascend the next ridge