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lilly1992
06-22-2006, 01:06 PM
( This is my own story i just want your opions, please reply)

Hi, my name is Kayla. People think I’m just an ordinary school girl. I thought I was too until May 26, 2:00 pm.
It started out a normal day; I got up and got ready for school. On my way home I saw my dog, Demon got out again. This time he didn’t just stand there he started to run toward the abandon well. I was worried he might jump in and to my dismay he did.
So I jumped in after him I thought I hit a hard rock floor but I landed on a mat. When I finally woke up I saw a wooden door on the side. So naturally I got up and opened it and walked in.
You would never believe me of what I saw but I’ll tell you any way. I saw trees, flowers, and smoke. I looked up and down for my Dog but I couldn’t find him anywhere.
Before I knew it I was surrounded by people. They were all dressed so weird.
“Can this day get any stranger, I thought”?
They asked what I was doing there.
I said” I was looking for my dog named demon. He is black and white have you seen him?”
“No we have not seen any type of dog around here in ages.” Said the chief priest.
She continues to talk “who are you dear child?”
“Oh, my name is Kayla but you can call me Katara, ok?” I replied.
“Where am I”? I asked
“Dear child you are in the land of wolves and my name is Kyoto” she said.
Here I will take you back to the village so you can rest up.”
“Ok” I replied to Kyoto.
When I saw the village I could only say two word low tec. There were no cars, no phones, and no electricity.
“How could a place be so barren?”
I thought.
When I got inside one of the houses it wasn’t any different from the outside. When they told me to lie on the bed it was soft as silk. She told me to rest easy for the night. I slept all night and part of the day.
Soon as I awoke I heard a howl being muffled by some ones hand. Soon I saw lady Kyoto tying a person with brown hair and wolves tied around him.
I walked over to lady Kyoto, but when she saw me she told me to keep away.
So I walk to the river and stayed there for about an hour or two. After that I headed into town to see what was around.
As soon as I entered the town I saw Kyoto and a few other villagers dragging that person I saw her tying up earlier. I ran up to her to see what she was doing.
As soon as I reached her she told me that this so called thing was really a wolf demon and that he was no different then the wolves he controlled. Kyoto also told me he was a meat eater none the less. She also told me there was another one with this one but he escaped before we could catch him.
“I do believe he will come back to save his comrade.” Said Kyoto.
“Can I help that time then?” I asked
“Well I guess.” she said.
Cool, I said. The demon behind her looked puzzled. After a few minutes of talking to me she started to talk to the demon. She asked him a lot of questions but he wasn’t listening to her. He was looking out the window at me. Well that’s that it looked like.
I went to bed late that night. I was so worried that that wolf demon would get out. For some reason I found a big pair of wolf eyes above me but instead of feeling fur I felt human skin, but when I turned on the light there was nothing there.
“It had to be my imagination” I said in a whisper.
“This is one weird night” I thought.
The next morning I was walking through the woods and found myself surrounded by wolves I got really scared so I yelled and before I knew it I was in someone’s arms moving at the speed of light. Soon I found myself in the village surrounded by everybody looking at me. I wondered whose arms I was in. When I looked up me realized I was in the arms of a wolf demon. He said he would give me back to them in exchange for his comrade he said he was the new leader of the wolf tribe and his name was Kouga.
So they willingly traded me for his comrade but when he tried to put me down but, he couldn’t because his armor had gotten stuck on my shirt so if he put me down my shirt would rip and trust me it would have been a big hole too.
So he told me to unhook me shirt from his armor. So I did as he said and unhooked it from his armor the best I could. Right before he let me go he kisses me on the cheek and right after he did that I punched him in the face and pushed off of him and did a back flip and landed on my feet. As soon as I landed on my feet I wiped his kiss off my cheek.
He just got up from the ground grabbed his partners wrist and ran back into the woods at the speed of light.
When he got back to the cave with his comrade he went into a corner and became very sad and embarrassed that his comrade had seen him get hit by a girl. His comrade went to go comfort him and he promised he would not tell anyone what happened.
His comrade’s name is Haku and he asked why he had kissed me. Kouga told him that there was something diffent about me. His comrade agreed that there was something diffent about me.
I was back at the village trying to hear what Kyoto was telling the men. I had no idea what they were talking about because I thought I was just a normal middle school student going to school and working on studying for tests not fighting any wars. This week couldn’t get any stranger could it?
While the rest of us were sleeping in the village
Kouga was planning. His companion Haku was sleeping.
The next day I got up so early that I thought it was still night. Well I decided since I’m up might as well practice gymnastics. So I did.
I practiced my ground flips forward and backward along with some cartwheels. I decided not to practice my Arial flips because if I fell it would wake someone up. I also practiced botojitsu (A type of sword fighting and hand fighting mixed together.) for a while.
Soon as landed a double back flip I realized Kyoto was watching.
“Oh, no I hope I didn’t wake her up,” I thought.
“What are you doing child,” she asked.
“Nothing” I answered.
“Ok, let’s get you set for you trip.” She said
I wondered what trip she was talking about but, I followed her though to find out. Soon we arrived at a little house she handed me a bag with food and water and a map along with a letter to a priestess in another town. She told me to deliver the letter to her and to return back here. She also told me that I will be riding a horse there and back.
So I headed off knowing it would be a long journey to Pataway (name of other town)
After a few hours I can to a grove of apple trees. Soon I heard a voice and it said…….
“What’s up girl”?
Came the voice, from above.
“Who said that”? I asked.
“I did” said the voice again.
Then a few seconds after whoever said that a boy jumped down out of a tree and landed right in front of me.
“Who are you?” I asked
“I am Ginta, a wolf demon.”
“Sorry but I must be on my way I don’t have time to chat.”
He let me pass. Just in case I decided to get my horse to run as fast as possible.
That night I slept in a tree. As high up as I could get. In the morning I ate a quick breakfast and set of as soon as my horse finished eating. All I could think of was getting to Pataway.
It is the fourth day. I’m so tired. Of all the times to be traveling during summer. Sure its spring back home but its summer here.
An hour or two later I came upon a lake. Being too tired to change I jumped in. I probably should have thought before I did that because I was wearing a white shirt and a pair of blue skirt.
When I got out I realized that my white shirt became see through. I didn’t want to change here in the middle of nowhere in just in case some one was watching so I put a light jacket on. I was only two days from Pataway. I couldn’t wait to get there.
So I got back on my horse and got going. Instead of taking two days it only took me five hours running.
When they saw me they ran for cover. Next thing I knew I was getting shot at with arrows. I naturally dodged them all. I got a few scratches but nothing serious.
“Stop” I yelled.
They stopped shooting and I asked for the priestess of the village. After waiting a while a girl stepped in front of them. I handed her the letter and she read it.
“Oh I am so sorry dear I didn’t know you where sent by Kyoto” she said to me.
“Its ok, I pretty much dodged most of them.”
“Please stay here for the night” she told me.
“Ok” I replied.
So I stayed the night in Pataway. I was worried that the wolf tribe would come here too. After a few minutes of thinking I fell asleep.
In the morning my bag was filled with food. I thanked the villagers and went on my way. It only took a few days to get to the apple tree grove where I meet Ginta. I decided to eat an apple or two while I was their. As soon as I finished my second apple I fell asleep.
When I woke up I was surrounded by wolves.
In the distance I saw something that looked like a tornado. The tornado was moving quiet fast too. In my direction. I tried to run but the wolves surrounded me. I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t get any dust in them. But when I opened them there standing in front of me was none other than Kouga.
“So what have we got here” said Kouga.
“Wolves howl”
“It looks like you boys have been packing on the pounds you defiantly won’t eat her”.
“Oh the nerve of that guy showing up at of nowhere” I thought.
Kouga turns to his out of breath partner Haku.
“Let’s get back to the others, oh yeah and bring some apples back.
“Yes sir,”haku answered.
“Sir, what should I do with the girl”?
“Bring her along I guess.” replied Kouga
Haku told me to stand up. So I did. He asked how fast I can run. Pretty fast I told him.
Good. Follow Kouga. You will be in the middle of us so don’t try to escape he told me. So I followed Kouga. I was in front of Haku the whole time at least.
When Kouga finally stopped I stopped too. I am a really fast kid I said.
“Yeah, yeah whatever.”
Haku finally caught up too me and Kouga.
I kept my distance from Kouga. I just didn’t want
him to kiss me again.
“Kouga where are we going?” I asked in curiosity.
“We are returning to the rest of the tribe”.
“Oh...ok” I replied. Not knowing what to expect next.

Dtortot
06-22-2006, 01:46 PM
Lost interest at around the part she is walking by the river for an hour or two.

NausicaaBoy
06-22-2006, 02:13 PM
I like it =) ....maybe a little too much dialouge

Javer
06-22-2006, 02:15 PM
Well, you clearly have some grasp of story progression. A very strong grasp. You're kind of strangling it, actually. You're rushing through the events way too fast. It won't even make children's-book size at this rate. You need to slow the feck down, take the time to fill out some details for us.

I shall read through and list my thoughts as I have them.

1.) The first question you need to answer at the beginning of any story is very simple. Why do we care? You want to start with something original and immediately intriguing. This sounds more like a diary entry.

2.) You know, there's a saying. The only thing that doesn't exist in a work of fiction is normalcy. There is no such thing as a "normal day" or an "ordinary school girl".

3.) Who names their dog "Demon"? This isn't any fault of yours, but I'm getting a little apprehensive. At this point, any story with the word "Demon" tends to remind me of Inu-Yasha. That show took all the horror out of the word. Anyway.

4.) "Abandoned well"? Tumbling into another world? Next to demons? I smell lawsuit.

5.) "They were all dressed so weird". That is not enough. You need to give us a mental image. How are they dressed strangely? Are they wearing rags? Zoot suits? Hell, Saran Wrap?

Okay, I can't read anymore. I'm sorry, but your character has ceased to be interesting at all. She is approaching the realm of Mary Sue.

Do you want my advice? Keep writing, maybe keep a fiction journal or something, but most importantly start reading. Read whatever fiction you can get your hands on. You will learn, very quickly, what to do and what not to do; how to start a story and how to end it; how to introduce characters and how to develop them. Look at books as a writer -- analyze how they draw in readers and keep them there.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but I mean every word. These are not the beginnings of a published novel.

Tell me something. Where are you planning the story to go? What did you plan to have happen next?

lilly1992
06-23-2006, 12:46 PM
thanks for your replies. i really need to work on it. hey i'm only 13 give me a break.

Javer
06-23-2006, 02:27 PM
thanks for your replies. i really need to work on it. hey i'm only 13 give me a break.

That's a fine age to start a serious attempt at writing a story. I think I started then, too . . . But it doesn't matter.

So, like I asked, what are you planning will happen next?

Itachi Uchiha
06-24-2006, 12:35 PM
GJ, but add some more descriptive imagery in your future works... (using more adjectives will help you in that endeavor)

lilly1992
06-25-2006, 05:32 PM
ok thanks

DarkKanti
06-25-2006, 07:48 PM
I echo just about everything Javer has said, except for maybe continuing the story. I think you should cut your losses and start over, maybe with an original concept that doesn't reek of Inu Yasha. I mean even the name is a blatant rip-off. Inu Yasha = Japanese for Dog Demon. Your story = Demon Dog. You see a pattern there?

I honestly couldn't get through half of it without stopping. Your characters bore me to tears and your story is making me roll my eyes.

Some Pointers:

Start over. Get a whole new set of characters and new storyline. This one will go nowhere fast and your characters are mind numbingly boring.

Try not to write a book in the first person unless it's a true life event. I'm only guessing, but I'm pretty sure you never fell through a well into another world. The first person thing doesn't really work well with books anyways.

Edit- Wow! Just read up to the part with Kouga... What the hell? I could believe it was a coincidence about the "falling down a well" and "Demon Dog", but Kouga's character and "power" is just blatant plagarism. You might as well call this fan fiction instead of your novel, because in the fan fiction world this kind of writing might actually be seen as "ok." Anywhere else though and people see it for the crap that it is. I was trying to be nice, but blatantly copying another person's work is just wrong. There's no way this was all just coincidence, and anybody who read it and told you it was "good" obviously didn't read it at all.

NausicaaBoy
06-25-2006, 07:50 PM
DarkKanti...I think you being a little bitchy who cares if its a fan fic..w.e. shes enjoying writing it and its fun to read. Shes not holding a gun to your head and screaming read it.

DarkKanti
06-25-2006, 07:53 PM
The art class is not a circle jerk where everybody just makes eveybody else feel better about themselves by stroking eachother's e-penis's. Nobody ever became a decent writer that way. Nobody. If you're fine writing crappy rip-offs, then go ahead and listen to all the yes-men, but if you're genuinely interested in improving your writing I suggest youu start over.

Edit- She never claimed it to be a fan fiction. She said it was her book, her own story.

NausicaaBoy
06-25-2006, 07:56 PM
There are more pleasant ways to convey your opinion... The way you’re currently communicating you ideas makes you sound as bad/ if not worse than the writer you are bashing.

P.S. shes only 13.

Ill post some of my writings 2moro, then you can bash them instead---> If you can

DarkKanti
06-25-2006, 08:00 PM
No it doesn't. If anything you're as bad if not worse than the writer. I attacked the writer's ideas, not the person herself. I told her how she could better herself and never said one wrong thing against her. You on the other hand, attack not my idea but me myself by saying, "I think you being a little bitchy." Hence, you are flaming and spamming, not me.

NausicaaBoy
06-25-2006, 08:07 PM
I see no flaming or spamming in any of my posts. When I say you are being a little bit bitchy; I am refering to the process of criticism - - which in layman's terms would be categorized as bitchy.

DarkKanti
06-25-2006, 08:23 PM
P.S. shes only 13.

What does age have to do with this? This is the internet. How can you prove thata I'm not even younger? She put her work up for everyone to critique, she should be mentally ready for a few negative replies.

Ill post some of my writings 2moro, then you can bash them instead---> If you can

The "If you can," part made me laugh. If your writing makes about as much sense as your posts, I'm pretty sure I'll find a fault or two. :rolleyes2

This is the reason nobody likes the art forum anymore, and the exact reason I stopped posting my work here. All people ever do is compliment each other, and if anybody ever tries to critique anybody's work everybody jumps on that person. The fact of the matter is that most of writing submitted in the art thread is terrible, but people are too scared to hurt someone's feelings that they only say, "I like it =)" < Look Familiar? And no, adding, "....maybe a little too much dialouge," is not constructive criticism. I refer you to the Rules of the Art Forum, (http://www.animeacademy.com/forums/showthread.php?t=21908) which you obviously haven't read.

Rove
06-25-2006, 08:43 PM
I see no flaming or spamming in any of my posts. When I say you are being a little bit bitchy; I am refering to the process of criticism - - which in layman's terms would be categorized as bitchy.
Err...are the vowels whoring themselves to the consonants? The letters A to M are complaining about the behaviour of letters N to Z?

The moment you said 'I think you being a little bitchy' you stoped referring to the post/comment and commenting on the poster, and as far as I'm aware things (such as a post or a table) cannot 'be bitchy', that usually refers to people or most living things for that matter. Way to go layman.

And ROFL at the 'spamming in any of my posts'.

Lilly1992, take your 'book' to this (http://www.fanfiction.net/) place, I'm sure that it will be more appreciated for what it really is: fanfiction.

Ashuri
06-25-2006, 09:16 PM
ok, i can't believe i'm getting involved but reading that just kind of eerked me. DarkKanti, you've got to admit that telling her to just give up her story all together isn't exactly constructive crit. It doesn't help her to improve what she already has. You could instruct her to possibly change some things so it doesn't sound so familiar to you. i do agree with you however on the first person comment and your point about needing criticism to get better. I don't agree with you saying "maybe a little too much dialouge" isn't constructive because it's letting her know that in the future she should let the characters talk less and possibly add more detail in the story itself. Nausicaa boy, please don't call others criticisms "bitchy" as you can see it only leads to bad things and arguments where they don't necesarily belong. I agree with you in that she's having fun, she's writing what she wants to write and what makes her happy. I also agree that DarkKanti could've said some things a little bit nicer. You are both right to a certain extent so please stop this argument so lilly can get on with her story, that is if DarkKanti hasn't convinced her to stop writing it. Lilly, listen to the CONSTRUCTIVE crit. everyone has to offer you and don't give up. ^_^

-Ashuri

Javer
06-25-2006, 11:50 PM
There is no work of art that cannot be salvaged.

Nicotine
06-26-2006, 08:10 AM
I haven't read the whole thing yet, so I'll do that when I have time. I just wanted to say this:
Everyone starts off small. You're not going to do everything right at first but when you do it over and over you will get better. I remember why my writing wasn't all that great...and heck, I still can hardly spell XD. But you just have to work at those things.

Ashuri
06-26-2006, 08:32 AM
There is no work of art that cannot be salvaged.

very, very true

DarkKanti
06-26-2006, 12:25 PM
I did not tell her to give up writing all together, but to consider giving up on this story, and starting something new. If she were to fix all the things about this story that copied Inu Yasha she'd more or less be writing a completely different story anyways, so why not just start it over?

I don't agree with you saying "maybe a little too much dialouge" isn't constructive because it's letting her know that in the future she should let the characters talk less and possibly add more detail in the story itself.

No, it's not constructive because he doesn't add anything to it besides that. He doesn't offer his opinion on what might remedy the problem at all. Notice, how I didn't just say, "your story sucks," but offered ways to help her, ie. Start over.

Err...are the vowels whoring themselves to the consonants? The letters A to M are complaining about the behaviour of letters N to Z?

The moment you said 'I think you being a little bitchy' you stoped referring to the post/comment and commenting on the poster, and as far as I'm aware things (such as a post or a table) cannot 'be bitchy', that usually refers to people or most living things for that matter. Way to go layman.

And ROFL at the 'spamming in any of my posts'.

Lilly1992, take your 'book' to this place, I'm sure that it will be more appreciated for what it really is: fanfiction.

<3 Rove.

There is no work of art that cannot be salvaged.

Maybe, but I think the problem here is that we are using the word "art" way too loosely.

Ashuri
06-26-2006, 12:38 PM
I did not tell her to give up writing all together, but to consider giving up on this story, and starting something new. If she were to fix all the things about this story that copied Inu Yasha she'd more or less be writing a completely different story anyways, so why not just start it over

I never said you told her to give up writing all together, and i see your point about it changing so much that it might as well be a new story. But like Javer said, all art is salvageable, and this, whether you agree with it or not, is a form of art, even though it's fan fiction

Javer
06-26-2006, 03:25 PM
Maybe, but I think the problem here is that we are using the word "art" way too loosely.

Maybe it's just how we define "art". To me, if you create something and consider it art, it's art. Maybe it's crappy art, but quality doesn't enter into the definition.

And Ashuri -- while I do think that there's a jewel to be extracted from any trash heap, that doesn't mean that you should run with every story idea you ever conceive until it's completed. Sometimes it's just too big a waste of time, and you'd have been better off thinking of another premise entirely. To me, it's a question of time budgeting. How long will it take to edit out all the bugs in a given work? How long would it take you to just scrap this idea and figure out something else?

Judgment call.

lilly1992
07-07-2006, 03:44 PM
stop no more writing replys reply to my other threads please.