Biki's Poems

[Lil' Biki]

ill just move my poems here from other sites. njoy!


Banned

he was my brother
and was one of a kind
not like any other
always said what was on his mind

he spoke what he thought
and held nothing back
and new theories he brought
knocked others off track

his knowledge was flawless
unquestionably new
his ideas were lawless
so called "experts" he threw

hated by many
and loved by so few
few respected. if any
heartbreakingly true

but now he is gone
"banned' for his words
and now there's silence upon
where he was always heard

this i made for chaos flame



Missing

i just want to run and hide
because you're missing from my side
and i am unsure of where you have gone
all i want to do is cry
or lay my life down and die
i can't continue on without you very long

i cannot help but worry
i'll come help you in a hurry
all i want is to see your smiling face
i'm concerned about your safety
won't you return to me safely
and of harm i don't want to see a trace

won't you come and hear my plee
and be my knight and rescue me
from the sorrows that a worried heart can cause
and please take me in you arms
and keep me away from harm
and out of the reach of sorrow's fatal claws



Incomplete

your mind paints a picture of me
of the girl you'll never meet
but if it paints no tears upon my face
then your picture is incomplete

it may paint a beautiful girl
someone stunning would be a treat
but if it paints no tears upon my face
then your picture is incomplete

maybe it'll draw me like candy
the mere definitonof sweet
but if it paints no tears upon my face
then your picture is incomplete

maybe someone that can make you HOT
that'll bring along the HEAT
but if it paints no tears upon my face
then your picture is incomplete

perhaps the perfect girl for you
who you regret never getting to meet
but if it paints no tears upon my face
then your picture is incomplete



You Promised

why must you make me feel this way
this way about us
you promised you'd never hurt me
didn't you know, it's too late for that
you hurt me everytime i see you with her
flirting with your ex- girlfriend
she calls herself your ex- lover
and you didn't deny it
you were in complete compliance with her
when she bragged about how good she looks
you tell her you can vouch for that
was that not expected to hurt
you promised you'd never lie to me
so don't start now
the words i've spoken
they are the truth are they not
or am i the one lying
am i the one hurting you
you promised you'd always be there for me
how can you be there for me now
how can you comfort the hurt you've caused
i don't think you can
but i'll tell you you have if you try
these words are so hard to write
but even more hard to think
but just remember, you promised



Living Hell

i almost cried mysef to sleep last night
i was thinking of you
andhow you just disappeared
we used to talk daily
but one day you were just gone
you said even one day without me was hell
so how have you been spending these many
last time you were gone like this
you were in the hospital bleeding
and now i fear it's the same
i worry because i think you're gone
i've prayed to God you return to me
but i have yet to hear from you
if God loved me at all
he ouldn't take you from me
or he would take me along with you
i cried those tears for you
in case you were watching me from above
but i made myself stop
because you wouldn't want to see me in tears
but i can't stop myself from crying
i have to know that you're safe
i can't keep doing this without you
for i am in hell now



God's Tears

snow, as pure as the tears of an innocent
God's tears
falling softly down from the heavens

rain, as frequent as the tear of the disappointed
God's tear
showering down on us in unspoken words

sleet, as silent as the tear of one without speech
God's tear
filling our streets with slippery pain

hail, as vengeful as the tear of an angry lord
God's tear
pelting us with the hatred otherwise unexpressed

God is crying
and crying in torrents
His tears unrecognized for what they are
except for by the few
the few who cry along with Him



Returned

you have returned to me
once you had vanished
and i cried tears of sorrow and lonliness
but now that you've come back
my tears are those of joy
please don't wipe them from my face
i thought my tears only held pain
but these proved that wrong
these tears hold happiness
and i need that happiness
because i've held sorrow for too long
leave me to this joy
but hold me
hold me in your arms
i need that comfort
i need that comfort of your heartbeat
i need that comfort of your warmth
i've cried my sorrow forever
please let me cry my joy
pain and i are no strangers
let me make acquaintances with joy
now that you have returned to me
we never need to meet pain again


Gone

you were the first one to take me
but i ran you away
your absence would constantly break me
you were missing many a day

i worried about you constantly
killing us both with stress
hoping you were thinking of me distantly
but i digress

i questioned you absences to you
i asked where you had gone
you don't want to be missing do you
not from me for so long

you were innocent as could be
doing merely this or that
happy as you should be
not worrying where my crazy self was at

there was only so much you could take
and then you couldn't take anymore
i just hope your pure heart i didn't break
as you walked out the door

and now i often think of you
and hope in your heart i still reside
even after all the times we went through
and the fact that i'm no longer by your side

-Lil' Biki/ Heart Broken 3/18/06



Likes Attract

Who’d expect a pair like you and me
We seem one and the same
And as you are so godly
I need not speak your name

I always heard that likes repel
And opposites attract
For some that may be just as well
But it is not a fact

Though alike we are a pair
We can’t help that we’re the same
Our love was Aphrodite’s personal affair
But I bear her no blame

The goddess of love makes no mistakes
On the path she sets you on
Though she can’t control the turns you take
By then her powers are gone

In our hands the power lies
To keep the relationship strong
Remember, even if the love dies
Aphrodite is never wrong



Loving My Body

You talk about my legs and thighs
My tender lips and breast
The starry sky that is my eyes
That you love the best

The way my hair blows in the wind
Like a feather on air
Tingles up your spine I send
You cannot help but stare

The figure that my body’s in
Much like the glass that counts the hour
Loving me must be a sin
It’s robbed you of your resisting power

You love the curving of my hips
And the way that they sway
The luscious thickness of my lips
You just can’t stay away

All of me is yours, if that is what you wish
I’ll give myself to you
All I ask in return is this:
Continue to love me as you do



Servant of Love

The life I’ve lived, I’ve lived for you
Doing all you’ve wanted me to do
I wear my hair a certain way
If you say wait, like a dog, I’ll stay
Any problem of yours, I’ll rectify
And all to merely satisfy
I come to your every beck and call
I don’t hesitate at all
You say my name and I’ll come quick
An old dog can be taught a new trick
Come to me, I’m your caretaker
When the time comes, I’ll be your love-maker
Nothing gives me a greater thrill
Than to bend to your every will
I can’t explain my joy in this
But somehow I live in bliss
I guess it’s love, that makes me act this way
I question my motives every day
That’s the only answer that would suffice
I’ve smacked myself not once but twice
I can’t shake the feeling, I’ve given up the try
Somehow this love I cannot deny
I have to say it, I’m in love with you
My deepest heart told me it was true
In return for my love, I have one request
If you’ll give me your love, I want only your best



Unspoken Love

I’m drowning in words unspoken
Of love unproclaimed
To afraid of the heart being broken
And me being the one to blame

They build up around me
And trap me in a barricade
They will not unsurround me
Not until the truth has been displayed

They wish for me to speak them
And let the truth be heard
I won’t, not until I tweak them
And change that one special word

I won’t say I love you
That’d be moving too fast
I’ve learned this to be true
I can learn from my past

I’ll bury my feelings in the sand
Even if I myself am encaved
My feelings are under my command
To my heart I won’t become a slave



until i can get AbsoluteAnime running on my pc this is all i have 4 u. plz njoy!

[Two-twenty]

:bashhead

[Lil' Biki]

that's an interesting response to my poetry now isnt it. but what am i supposed to take from that? no constructive critisms?

[Tyrdium]

:bashhead
Seconded.

[Niner]

:no:

I'm a little less violent. But the sentiment is the same.

[punkusa20_2001]

stick to a meter of some sort, poetry that rhymes, has to flow well, I can tell just from the first stanza of your first poem, notice how the last line is longer then the rest, it really throws any groove off. I mean anyone can rhyme, but in poetry its all about how well you get from one line to the next.

oh yeah, and if you didn't know, emo is out. everyone that isn't emo, hates emo, with a god damn passion, cause no one that writes emo poetry and post it is emo, a real emo writes it then burns it before anybody can read it then hides the ashes so nobody asks him what he was burning, that is if he left the house, which he doesn't, cause he is ****ing emo and doesn't want to be seen. Thats true emo. The best suggestion I can honestly give is work on your meter and start writing poems...happy poems (depression comes easy, happy is an art), about anything, random things, then pen on your desk, the ice cube in your drink. that will help you get a good feeling for meter down and with something like ice you can learn to use a myriad of words instead of the same ones we hear all the time.

[Ninja Realist]

http://img99.imageshack.us/img99/5923/crsh00496ue.jpg

Those poems are a wreck.

[Lil' Biki]

thank u 4 ur constructive critism punkusa. as for every1 else, im sry u dont like my poems but i write what i feel. besides that, u ppl r hard 2 plz. if i wrote about killing myself or some1 else ud b all 4 it. u all seem 2 hate love poems and such. i guess its my fault. i came from a place where ppl were all about love. absoluteanime would totally frown upon u but i guess ud do the same 2 them huh?

[Tyrdium]

No, the problem is that your poems are shit. We quite hate emo poetry.

You want constructive? Alright, fix your mechanics. I see no meter whatsoever. The rhyme scheme - when it exists - is incredibly simplistic. Random line breaks do not a poem make.

Oh, and you could try writing in English for a change. Netspeak makes you look like an idiot.

[Lil' Biki]

i see that you all hate emotion. why is it that you enjoy poems when people are talking about suicide and raping children and such forth? and there's nothing wrong with a simple rhyme scheme. if i wanted to complicte it then i could. it just seems easier to me to keep things simple. and i use ntespeak because it's easier than writing out all the english words.

[Freya]

i see that you all hate emotion. why is it that you enjoy poems when people are talking about suicide and raping children and such forth? and there's nothing wrong with a simple rhyme scheme. if i wanted to complicte it then i could. it just seems easier to me to keep things simple. and i use ntespeak because it's easier than writing out all the english words.


Is english not your first language?


Anyways, they DON'T enjoy poems about raping children and suicide, thats the whole point why they say your poems suck because they hate the content.

There's nothing wrong with keeping it simple, but if you would like to improve, try something harder and something that will challenge you. Please, also try to capitalize you're I's (that's just a pet peeve of mine, sorry.) I tend to use really simplistic rhyme schemes too but I have tried harder ones or like I've tried not rhyming at all (thats fun)

I skimmed the first couple poems (I suggest only posting one or two at a time, it's easier to read, otherwise its like a poetry overload for the brain.) They were okay but the rhyme scheme got boring and repetitive, just try something different.

Hope that helped you!

[swankygoose]

I actually like a few of your poems I think they sound nice and kinda rolled off my tongue. If I could make one suggestion though is to maybe idk not make all of them so melodramatic it gets a little annoying after a while.

[Rove]

I checked your poetry thread back at Absolute Anime (for those with a masochistic curiosity, link (http://absoluteanime.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=17263&sid=c7b801efedc1ed196e46ef2a27255fad)) and all I can say is: If you want a pat in the back keeping writing there. Don't "waste" your angsty poetry with the perverted, sadist and overall pedophiles that refuse to use such cheap short-cuts such as netspeak and like their caps in the right places.

i see that you all hate emotion. why is it that you enjoy poems when people are talking about suicide and raping children and such forth? and there's nothing wrong with a simple rhyme scheme. if i wanted to complicte it then i could. it just seems easier to me to keep things simple. and i use ntespeak because it's easier than writing out all the english words.

Nah, is not that we hate emotion, just that "we" (not speaking for everyone here) hate angsty, melodramatic, cliched, repetitive, and overall effortless poetry. Also, if you like using netspeak, then why do you bother writting poetry? Just write yours in netspeak then, since you like simple easy stuff anyways.

[Dtortot]

ill just move my poems here from other sites. njoy!

Loving My Body

You talk about my legs and thighs
My tender lips and breast
The starry sky that is my eyes
That you love the best

The way my hair blows in the wind
Like a feather on air
Tingles up your spine I send
You cannot help but stare

The figure that my body’s in
Much like the glass that counts the hour
Loving me must be a sin
It’s robbed you of your resisting power

You love the curving of my hips
And the way that they sway
The luscious thickness of my lips
You just can’t stay away

All of me is yours, if that is what you wish
I’ll give myself to you
All I ask in return is this:
Continue to love me as you doJust one thing. The title of that poem is:
1) A lie.

As for the poem itself:
What about the sand? It is not the shape of the glass that makes it interesting, but the sand moving inside it.

The other poems were equally lame. But keep practicing, there is no other way.

[Liegenschonheit]

Biki, you came at a bad time for "poetry" such as yours. We have all just about had our fill of low grade doggerel. The fact of the matter is, though you may recieve acolades from the less literate, the poetry you write is extremely juvenile and unsophisticated.

If you want my honest opinion, this is very bad poetry. If you want constructive criticism, try reading the other criticism I have given in other poetry threads. The same applies to you, and I don't really like repeating myself.

I will repeat this though: poetry is not writing down a jumble of lines that sort of rhyme here and there and saying that it is about emotion and passion, and crying when people give you feedback. That is only the very first rough draft of a poem. Like all other forms of art, poetry requires a refining process to make it more than something your subconscious puked onto a page.

[Javer]

Though, all things considered, she does seem to take this degree of criticism extremely well.

[Neo-Hunter]

Man gone for a weekend and here, and I have to agree with some of the others.
I have to say these suck the hardest not to be mean.

[BootyholeBandit]

That sh** is tha shizzle nizzle keep it up

[Javer]

I have to say these suck the hardest not to be mean.

"Not to be mean"?

What exactly are you being, then? Tender?

That sh** is tha shizzle nizzle keep it up

Oh yes. That's encouraging.

[Lil' Biki]

I've tried to improve and made less emotion based poetry. Give me your honest opinions please. I can take it. Even if you all think my poems suck.



Emotionless

Holding this knife in my hand
I invision stabbing it through my stomach
Pulling my hand away and seeing the blood
Watching the blood flow from my guts
Killing me slow
You’d love to see that wouldn’t you
The blood flowing from my gut
Dying slowly and painfully
But you’ll never see that
I won’t die by my own hand
But I’ll die by yours
And I won’t cry for myself
So you dare not cry for me either
Because you never loved me
Even your enemy,
In your worst time of hating them,
You loved more than me
So don’t shed your useless tears for me
Tears from your eyes mean nothing
I would rather have your laugh
Give me your laughter at my pain
That’ll mean more than your tears
Because despite your heartless
Emotionless ways
You’d have felt something then


Ruler of the Day

Rising to the east
Giving us a reason to forget the night
Laying upon your horizon bed
Peeking at us
Moving toward the sky
In full view
Competing with the moon
Drowning us with light
To drown out the darkness
Overcoming the ruler of the night
As you reach your highest point
Basking us in your glory
Then slowly, sinking back down
Giving way to the shadows
And draining us of light
Falling to the ground
Slipping out of sight
And letting the moon reign
Once again on the horizon bed
But now going to sleep
The ruler of the day
Setting in the west



Ruler of the Night

You battle with the sun daily
Fighting for the spotlight
Pushing the light from your space
Removing it from your territory
My ruler of the night
Fill us with your darkness
Flood my soul with your glory
Overwhelm me
Block out the sun for an eternity
Let your celestial soldiers reign
Defend hem against the sunlight
Let darkness overcome
Lay your shadowed blanket over us
And tuck it so it shall not be moved
Give in not to the ruler of the day
Let him not prevail in your battle
Conquer his domain &
Banish him from it
Then all shall hail you
And only you
As I do
My ruler of the night


Define Me

I don’t need your labels to define me
Or your words to undermine me
I won’t let your tags confine me
From just being who I am

Your bounds will not contain me
Nor your locks and bars restrain me
I won’t allow you to constrain me
I must let myself be free

For myself I’ll make a name
And alone I’ll bring it fame
And the whole world will proclaim
That I got success on my own

[Neo-Hunter]

Its monday morning. I really don't have time for a little girl and here whiney emo
poetry. you should just stop now.

[Ninja Realist]

Its monday morning. I really don't have time for a little girl and here whiney emo
poetry. you should just stop now.

Now you're just being cruel.

[punkusa20_2001]

you know what cruz the crap you write isn't a field of ****ing daisy's either, either give constructive criticism or nothing at all. she doesn't need someone saying she sucks, she needs someone to say, this part sucks work on it, and this, but overall this and this were decent, if you cant find any decent part of her poetry your not looking well enough.

[Freya]

Its monday morning. I really don't have time for a little girl and here whiney emo
poetry. you should just stop now.

I write whiney emo poetry, lmao why not tell me to stop? :p

"I've tried to improve and made less emotion based poetry" okay well, your "Emotionless" poem is about as emo as you can get and its full of sad, depressing, I-hate-myself tones... but I enjoy those :D idk it was like, generic emo but I liked the imagry.

[Sakito]

I see nothing wrong with what you have shown us, Cruz in my opinion I know that you have more respect for peoples writing than what you have just shown, Freya writes emo stuff all the time and not once have I seen you tell her to stop, I have writen a few myself and you gave me props, why not do the same here. All the poems had there sense of meaning and was done with someone that took there time, things could be changed but non the less they were ok.


~Sakito~

[Neo-Hunter]

Wait, Guys I didn't write this My Info was taken out of my notebook yesterday and I didn't write that emo post. My Friend Matt took my stuff and stole me and my friends information. I told the real life campus security here at college and the I.T. people. I'm here this moring to strighten everything out. i applogize for what he did. even to you lil biki. I didn't get a wind of this untill Yesterday.I have to change my screan name and handle here at AA, But I have no Idea how to do that, He even posted Nude Pics at my friends jen's myspace and ruined my email.

[Ninja Realist]

Wait, Guys I didn't write this My Info was taken out of my notebook yesterday and I didn't write that emo post. My Friend Matt took my stuff and stole me and my friends information. I told the real life campus security here at college and the I.T. people. I'm here this moring to strighten everything out. i applogize for what he did. even to you lil biki. I didn't get a wind of this untill Yesterday.I have to change my screan name and handle here at AA, But I have no Idea how to do that, He even posted Nude Pics at my friends jen's myspace and ruined my email.

Whatever.

A genuine apology is a lot better than lies and bullshit.

[Lil' Biki]

thanx all. here's another 1. opinions r welcome.

Drowning in Heartache

I’ll drown you in the heartache
I drowned in long ago
You, yourself, caused the heartbreak
But I never let you know

My heartache’s depths are endless
You’ll drown forevermore
You have no help, you’re friendless
That’s what my love was for

But you decided to break my heart
And now I’ll get you back
I’ll shoot my poisonous dart
And aim it for your back

That’s the last time you’ll see me cry
I’ll shed not one more tear
You’ll question me why
As death draws slowly near

The moment before you perish
I suppose I will confess
That our love I did cherish
But now I couldn’t love you less

[Lil' Biki]

my sister wrote this 1:

Silent Scream

I am a silent scream
You know me for my deadly dreams
As I walk around, I have no head
I go back to where I was born
In the shadows of the dead
I now live somehow new
So when you’re happy, I’ll make you blue
I fear that I may smile one day
So I stay in the house
And in bed I lay
Cause I have no where else to go
For a million tears I owe my soul
For what I am is a silent scream
For next time, you will see me in your dreams

[Neo-Hunter]

really liked them. nice job.

[Sakito]

thanx all. here's another 1. opinions r welcome.

Drowning in Heartache

I’ll drown you in the heartache
I drowned Long ago
You, yourself, caused the heartbreak
But I willnever let you know

My heartache’s depths take out depthsare endless
You’ll drown forevermore
You had no help, you were friendless
That’s what my love was for

But Take away butyou decided to break my heart
And Take away andnow I’ll get you back
I’ll shoot my poisonous dart
And Take away and and put aiming aim it for your back

That’s the last time you’ll see me cry
I’ll shed not one more tear
You’ll question me why
As death draws slowly near

The moment before you perish
I suppose I will confess
That our love I did cherish
But now I couldn’t love you less

Silent Scream

I am a silent scream
You know me for my deadly dreams
As I walk around, I have no head
I go back to where I was born
In the shadows of the dead
I now live somehow new
So when you’re happy, I’ll make you blue
I fear that I may smile one day
So I stay awayin the house
And in bed I lay I think if you took this line out it may work better
Cause I have no where else to go
For a million dollars I owe my soul
For what I am is a silent scream
For next time, you will see me in your dreams


Very good poem Lil Biki, I did a little work on it but other than that it is really good, here is the best part of the whole poem in my opinion
That’s the last time you’ll see me cry
I’ll shed not one more tear
You’ll question me why
As death draws slowly near

Well done poem.

Now for the one your sister wrote
A few things here and there but it was good, I would like to see more from you and her.


~Sakito~

[Lil' Biki]

Thanks. I'll tell her you liked it. Though, she was a little reluctant to let me put it online.

[Lil' Biki]

Here's one I'm working on now. I gotten pretty far on it but I don't know how to end it. Opinions and advice are welcome:

Untitled (For now)

I never forgive
I never forget
So as long as you live
You'll live with regret

But I'll take pity
I won't make the pain last
Instead of killing you slowly
I'll just kill you fast

I'll drown you in hate
Which shouldn't take long
You won't have to wait
My hatred is strong

Don't be like an old habit
And try to die hard
It may hurt just a bit
As i cut you into shards

~

Ok 1: Is it "Old habits die hard'? or "Bad habits die hard"? I couldn't remember. And 2: I know I said at first I'd drown them then I said I'd cut them but you get my point right? They've got to die and it will be by my hand. Anyway, any suggestions for the title and/or ending?

[Tyrdium]

Please try writing something that isn't about death or killing or deep loss or whatever. They're quite tiring.

Oh, and it's "old hobbits die hard". Duh.

[Lightningfire]

As far as the poetry goes, it is really good and i really like it. I wright poems myself, but none of them are worth listening to. One thing I have noticed though is that your rhyming words well you seem to use the ones. Not often its just everynow and then, and I'm not one to talk I do the same thing. All in all though they are really good, and you are really brave to post them on the net.

[Lil' Biki]

When I wrote about love everyone hated them so I wrote about something else. And your poems probably aren't as bad as you make them sound. I like to put my poems on the net even when I get negative feedback. It heps me progress and become a better writer. Some people are brutally honest but you learn to except a wide variety of sorts. Live and learn.

[Lil' Biki]

And besides, when you've been hurt as many times as I have all you really want to do after you realize all the tears you shed are useless is to get back at whoever hurt you. That's all I ever want to do anyway. I don't quite know about the rest of you all.

[Lightningfire]

I might try posting some of it on the net. If anybody reads it though I'm warning you I am bad at it.

[Lil' Biki]

I've heard people bash their own poems and as it turned out I liked their's better than my own. Try me.

[Sakito]

My opinion on what Lil Biki is writing is simple, if she wants to write such things then she is entitled to doing so, if you don't like what kind of poems she has written then don't comment at all and in that matter don't read them. I find her work to have alot of meaning in them so what if they are about love, death or whatever, its that persons work and all they want is for it to be read and touched up if it has some problems, some of the people here on AA go to far by saying that this person needs to stop what they are writing. I will continue reading and helping Lil Biki as long as I can, and Biki please post some more of your work don't be held back by the pressure of those who don't care.

As for the last poem that was posted, it was well written and so on, but just one thing use stronger words to make it stand out a little more.

~Sakito~

[Roark]

My opinion on what Lil Biki is writing is simple, if she wants to write such things then she is entitled to doing so, if you don't like what kind of poems she has written then don't comment at all and in that matter don't read them. I find her work to have alot of meaning in them so what if they are about love, death or whatever, its that persons work and all they want is for it to be read and touched up if it has some problems, some of the people here on AA go to far by saying that this person needs to stop what they are writing. I will continue reading and helping Lil Biki as long as I can, and Biki please post some more of your work don't be held back by the pressure of those who don't care.

I find subject matter a very good criticism when dealing with poetry. Especially poems that deal with angst, hate, rage, and other teenage emotions.

Why?

Because it's often the key to a lot of other problems.

Poets avoid cliche. Poets say something new. It's more than not wanting to read another poem about the hidden rage inside you. It's wanting to read something novel, something resonant, and something that takes us into speaker (not the same as the writer).

Relying on cliche'd topics, imagery, and diction is easy with cliche subjects. Yes, we're going to say stop what you're writing. Write about something different. Stretch yourself. Try something new.

Then again, English poetry is in a sad state these days anyhow.

[Akimichi Choji]

Here's one I'm working on now. I gotten pretty far on it but I don't know how to end it. Opinions and advice are welcome:

Untitled (For now)

I never forgive
I never forget
So as long as you live
You'll live with regret

But I'll take pity
I won't make the pain last
Instead of killing you slowly
I'll just kill you fast

I'll drown you in hate
Which shouldn't take long
You won't have to wait
My hatred is strong

Don't be like an old habit
And try to die hard
It may hurt just a bit
As i cut you into shards


Okay, first of all I agree with Roark. Good poems come from clear, good subjects. One can't write a good poem without a topic that grabs people's attentions. This poem is VERY unclear. I mean at first, I thought it would be great. You somewhat went into an angry setup, but then you moved to just killing a person. It had the potential to be a poem with some...... point to it.
But you just seemed to ruin it with killing a person. You can do better.

[Lil' Biki]

Ill think of revsing it.I didn't really mean for it to take that turn. I never really mean to end poems as i do. I just usually take an unexpected turn midway into the poem. I've noticed that myself. I'll try to stay on the main initial topic in my next poems.

[Lil' Biki]

Here's a few I wrote in the spur of my teenage angsty moments yesterday. They may be a little whiny and such but my poetic style varies with my mood.

At Least:

I want to feel your touch
To send that shiver up my spine
And if all i get is that much
Then at least it will be mine

I want to see your smile
To come and melt my heart
And if you're missing for a while
Then at least we'll have a start

I want to hear your voice
To make me buckle at the knees
And if I'm not your choice
Then at least I will have these

I want to taste your kiss
To lift my soul to paradise
And if all I get is this
Then at least it would be nice

I want to hold your hand
To feel such warmth I've never known
And if I leave, by popular demand
Then at least some love I was shown

Whiny? I know.

Untitled:

Why do you feel you must break me down
Before you can build yourself up
Have I proved an easy target for you childish games
You are but a boy in man's clothing

I know that this one is cliche and all, but I wrote it on how I was feeling at the time. My only question is this, should I leave it as is or add more to it?

Speechless:

I cannot speak
This mortal tounge cannot utter such pain of the heart
words cannot explain such hurt
Thos tear stained face
How long has it wept its anguish
how long has it cried its hurt
How long must it suffer because of you
I've not known a pain like this
Until you "graced" my life with your presence
How often have you caused these tears
How often have you bruised this heart
Your words are poison to the ear
Do not utter such venomous decrees
Your love has been tainted with hatred
But somehow your love overshadowed
But hidden hatred now rears its hand
And directed its poison toward the innocent
The dove has been slaughtered
And its remains left to rot
I once was that innocent dove
Now all the remains is its carcass
A memory for someone else to cherish
I remain but a speechless memory

alittle talkative for a speechless memory huh? I know.

[Lil' Biki]

Ok this isn't a poem but I had an idea for a story. I just want to know what you all think of the prolouge:

Asaka Higone was a girl in love. She wanted always just to be with her childhood friend and new found love Keyone Hitome. But when Keyone tells Asaka one day that he must leave and doesn't say why, Asaka gets terribly worried. She knows that keyone tells her everything. but it's deeper than Asaka understands. Keyone is involved in something bigger than him, bigger than her, bigger than the love they share, bigger than it all. A prophecy was made about him a few years back. It foretold of a strange evil force comming to earth. This force was supposedly unbeatable, well, to all except for one. Keyone was prophecized to be the only one with power enough to defeat the force that was foretold to come. This prophecy was told to Keyone. he told himself that it was foolishness, but in his heart he feared the worst. And now the time has come. The expected force is on its way and everyone can tell. There is strange evil chill in the air that all can feel. Now Keyone must leave. he must stop this force before it can reach earth and hurt Asaka. But he cannot tell Asaka of his endeavor because then she would not allow him to go. So he sets off, with her, in ignorance.


That's all I have for the prolouge. I wrote that last year some time. I began the story already but I want to know what you all think of the prolouge. If the idea for the story sucked then the entire story as a whole is bound to be a complete failure. I know the plot is a bit...juvinile but I want to know what you all think. Be brutally honest, I can take it.

[Neo-Hunter]

eh, Double posted but i am not a mod but It seems Like an intresting story just fix things here and their and it might come out nice.

[Lil' Biki]

Thanks.

[Akimichi Choji]

Untitled:

Why do you feel you must break me down
Before you can build yourself up
Have I proved an easy target for you childish games
You are but a boy in man's clothing

I know that this one is cliche and all, but I wrote it on how I was feeling at the time. My only question is this, should I leave it as is or add more to it?

Cliche it may be, but I liked it. Simple, short, and sweet. And I would like to make one comment. I really hate it when other people quote poems and edit it themselves. I find the act disgusting. They are not our poems to edit, we should only review and say what can be changed, not change it ourselves. Your a good auther Lil' Biki and you deserve the ability to edit your own work. All your recent poems have been rather good. Keep it up! But don't keep up the triply posting lol.

[Lil' Biki]

Sorry and thank you. I do have a few more poems to post. I don't get online much so when I do I usually have alot to post. Again, sorry. Here's one I've been wanting to post.

Bounce Back:

I've bounced back from broken dreams
With my heart still in tact
I've bounced back from things it seemed
From which you could not bounce back

I'e bounced back from 15 years
Of living my life in hell
I've bounced back from countless tears
That from my eyes fell

I've bounced from a wretched past
And the times it put me through
And just like I did the last
I'll bounce back from losing you

[Akimichi Choji]

Now that was really excellent. I especially love the matching lines in the second stanza, how the rhyming lines are almost exactly the same length. Great job!

[Lil' Biki]

Thank you! I have to go. But I'll be back with more work I hope you all can enjoy.

[Neo-Hunter]

really enjoyed this it went well. hopefully you have more.

[chaste Angel]

Well, i have a brave sister here. Making another poem while others are discouraging you really is difficult thing to do, as if you are onto a life and death situation in your next poem, right? Great work, you've really done so many things for going this far. Hope i'll also have a brave heart like yours.

~Fraye

[Tyrdium]

Well, i have a brave sister here. Making another poem while others are discouraging you really is difficult thing to do, as if you are onto a life and death situation in your next poem, right?Brave in the sense that playing Russian Roulette with a semiautomatic is brave, sure.

[Lil' Biki]

Fallen Soldiers:

Hey you, you in the casket
You were somebody's baby
Hey you, who put him in that basket
Did you ever think that maybe...

Maybe he was someone's father
Maybe he was someone's friend
No, you didn't bother
Because you didn't know him then

All you see is what's before you
An empty shell without a soul
His loved ones must abhor you
Their family's no longer whole

Maybe he had a daughter
Maybe he had a son
Daddy was killed in the slaughter
But at least the battle was won

Millions of tears are falling
Heaven's gates are spread
God's angels are calling
To all the ones who are dead

My fallen soldiers, come
The angels call you back
We'll beat your marching drum
As we start on heaven's track

R.I.P. My Fallen Soldiers

[Sakito]

This poem was done very well, by far the best one of all of your work. Tryis and keep this up and see were it takes you. The poem had, feeling, detail, and great reasoning.



~Sakito~

[Lil' Biki]

Thank you. I haven't really been writing more poetry lately. I've been drawing anime. I wish I knew how to put it on the internet I'd let you all give me some pointers on them too.

[Neo-Hunter]

Not bad really enjoyed it well done.

[Lil' Biki]

Ok I just started writing a story I had in my mind for awhile. It just kept coming when I started.

Naomi ran down the street, heels in one hand with her purse hanging off of her wrist and in the other her briefcase held over her head to protect her from the rain. She ran to the corner in an attempt to catch her bus, which she feared she had missed in the delay she had back at the office. When she reached the corner she looked down the street and saw the bus rolling towards her with its windshiel wipers steadily moving from right to left, from left to right, in an effort to clear the window from being so fogged. The bus stopped in front of her and its doors opened to welcome her inside. Happy for an escape from the downpour she gladly climbed aboard. She paid her fare and turned to find a seat. Her smile quickly faded as her eyes swallowed the full bus. Squeezing through the crowd of people she found a seat between a large woman who undoubtedly carried the stench of wet dogs and a tiny man who apparently has active allergies because he took a puf fof his inhaler every five minutes. Naomi settled into the aura of after work.

The bus ride was long and hot. The air conditioner on the bus was broken so every other person was fanning themselves with a newspaper, or a magazine, or anything else they has laying around, including the bus driver between stops and red lights. Naomi was counting the minutes until her stop. Having gotten rid of the dog woman and the allergy man and taken on two new people the aroma around Naomi were constantly changing. She longed to be off of this bus and at home. Her house was a bit messy but it had that touch of her. It was home and she yearned for its familiar smell.

She reached her stop. Forty-eight minutes and thirty seconds had passed since she had first started counting. She walked the block and a half to her little house in the suburbs. Her house wasn't extravagant or anything, but it was comfortable and affordable. For a girl two years out of college she had a decent paying job doing something she was good at. She was out of her parents house and living the independant life. A taste of the real world was good for someone her age.

Naomi walked up the garden path that lead to her front door. She looked at her house for a minute, sandwhiched between two others, seperated only by low fences between them. She breathed in the air that was her's to enjoy. It lacked the smell of wet dogs and the stench of inhaler smoke which was fine by her. Her neighbor Phil called out her name and she gave him a friendly wave. He was admiring the effect the rain had had on his grass. Since the rain has stopped he walked down his path, smiling at the grass in adoration of the rain's handiwork. Phil loved the smell of wet grass.

Naomi gave him a smile and went inside. She lazily put her purse on the table by the dorr after she shut it, locking the outside troubles, outside. She rest her briefcase and heels by the table's leg to dry. She walked to the front room and fell upon the couch. Turning on the television and flipped through the channels. Realizing that if she laid there, her couch would absorb all of the smells that her clothes had that day, she reluctantly pulled herself up. She loved the way her house smelled; her kitchen,with the distinct aroma of her daily cup of coffee before work;her bathroom, with the smell of her shower gel from her morning showers;and her bedroom, with the various assortments of candles she lit to calm her nerves and sooth her thougts. She wasn't about to let the smell of her day mix with any of the preferred smells of her home.

She stripped herself of her clothes and tossed them into the dirty clothes hamper. She located her towel and shower gel after making her way
to the bathroom. Now she was caught in a dilemma. She couldn't decide whether to rinse away the day in the shower, or to soak away the day in the tub. Un decided, she merely turned on the water and adjusted it to the right temperature. Then, it hit her that this was a bath ind of occassion, so she let the tub fill to its appropriate level. She then settled that candles should be apart of this soothing treatment. After lighting her candles and tuning on her favorite cd of collected slow songs by various artist she turned out the light and climbed int o the bathtub. for the rest of the night she soaked away the stench of after work.


Tell me what you think of it. So far I've heard it's good but don't detail it so much that it ends up like The Grapes of Wrath where it's so detailed it's boring.

[Tyrdium]

http://img339.imageshack.us/img339/7401/suckdisconnect8rx.jpg

Seriously, that was utter crap. It was so bad that I can't even give suggestions to improve it; I don't see a way it can be salvaged. It's a poor description of someone's day, with a few modifiers and descriptions thrown in to make it seem like good writing. That, and I don't give a flying f*ck about this Naomi person.

[Lil' Biki]

You don't ever like any of the things I write so if you've decided you don't like my style of things why do you keep bothering to read more of it? Do us all a favor and just stop.

[GunGrave]

your poems are ok how u write them i like them

[Lil' Biki]

Thank you.

[GunGrave]

i would like 2 here some more

[aoi_n_asul]

i'll leave the poems to everyone else, and move to your short story. remember that the first paragraph is essential. it's not the easiest part to write and it takes a lot of effort to put up a good one. your first paragraph is a little bit jumbled, with sentences running all over the place at once. it's like descriptions after descriptions colliding head on. your intro is longish, in a sense that you keep the reader hanging for the 'story' for too long. major reconstructions are needed. try redrafting it after taking a breather ^^

[Lil' Biki]

thank u! so it is detailed to the point of t being boring. i'll redraft it. i've left it alone for a while as of late. i couldn't think of anything else for it anyway. when i do get back to it i'll take your advice tho.

[Lil' Biki]

i revised my old poem:

I never forgive
I never forget
For as long as you live
You'll live in regret

The memories will haunt you
Everytime you close your eyes
My laughter will taunt you
Eachtime you utter cries

The images will surround you
Evertime you blink
The reality that's around you
Just ain't as real as you think


ok I'm not sure if that's how the last stanza goes I'm trying to remember off the top of my head but that's it for the most part.

[GunGrave]

that a good 1

[Lil' Biki]

ok i wrote this 1 about an hour ago:

Living through the black struggle
That they lived through long before
Day and day trying to juggle
Discrimination, racism, and more

The burden of being hated
For teh color of our skin
the stress of being rated
Because they can't see the people within

How is it they can label us
When we've done nothing wrong
But their hatred didn't disable us
From still growing strong

Our race is steadily growing
African women are giving birth
New seeds they are sowing
Into the womb of mother Earth

The race is repopulating
Despite the many lost long ago
As they keep discriminating
We'll grow stronger, didnt they know

Only as time progresses
Can our potential be reached
We'll reach our full success
When it's our own history we teach

[GunGrave]

this poem is ok 2

[aoi_n_asul]

i like it. i have some suggestions though. you don't need to take 'em. last line of the first stanza, maybe use in, instead of with. like, live in regret. then last line of the second stanza, it'll sound better if you drop utter. and i think you should use my instead of the, since you started with I. it'll have more impact that way from a possesive form of view. and maybe use for, instead of so, in the line so as long as you live.

[Lil' Biki]

i took em, except for the second 1. if i removed utter the line would read everytime you cries which doesn't make since, i could make it cry though huh?


I wrote a few more poems over the last few days:


6/14/06

Oh cruelest fate, must thou hurt thee
Putting thoughts in our minds & words in our hearts
Planning all the while to desert thee
But saying, "'till death do us part"

You knew our fairy tale would end
You planned all along to decieve me
You saw it before it began
And I played the fool to a T

Now your plan has been revealed
I'll end your childish games
No longer are they well concealed
Love left as fast as it came




6/15/06

It seems like yesterday since I saw you last
I can still remember your smile
But those days are further in the past
And now you've been missing for awhile

That happy laugh that made me happy too
And convinced me there was something worth living for
That persuaded me to stay, when I was through
That maybe life could offer something more

But now earth has claimed your body, & heaven's claimed your soul
And my tears are still falling from the shock
All this pain has taken its toll
And I await death's inevitable knock

R.I.P. Aunt Denise

[Lil' Biki]

6/22/06

I'm the most sensitive bitch
You've ever met
And once you realize
It'll be too late for regret

You should have never crossed my path
You'll soon see what I mean
You have now unleashed my wrath
It's hell like you've never seen

I'll make your life a living hell
From dawn til dusk each day
When you realize this as well
You'll start seeing things my way

If I go down
You're coming too
I'm taking you with me
When this is through

You thought you got rid of me
I'm sorry you're not that lucky
Soon you'll see that you will be
With me for eternity

Not even death can part
In hope don't dwell
Trust, this is just the start
I'll see you in hell

[GunGrave]

it a little bit funny

[Lil' Biki]

intention reached.


7/2/06

yes i have flaws
should i be hated for it?
do my imperfections make me obsolete?
yes i brought out my claws
because you had my heart and tore it
was i supposed to just accept defeat?

there's a tear upon my face?
are you sure it's really there?
now the outside reflects the hurt within
our fates were intertwined from the base
and we built it up from there
our realtionship was my biggest sin

do you feel that you've won
because i'm the one that's broken
and you alone remain without a scar?
baby, this has just begun
because with these words i've spoken
i'm pushing this fight over the bar

don't think you've got me beat
my fighting spirit isn't dead
i'm still battling in this all out war
i will never retreat
because after all the hurt is spread
it's still my pride that i'm fighting for

[Lil' Biki]

haha im bringing this baby back from the dead. >3

more poems soon to come. ^-^ dont feel like posting them right now, and guess what, i'm late for class. :p

[Lil' Biki]

2-2-08

I wanted to cry, but I lacked the energy
So I decided to write
Too weak is the heart that resides within me
To put up much of a fight

It, true, did break, when I read the news
And my smile turned into a frown
Too bitter sweet were the auduies(sp?)
But I couldn't long stay down

Too many muscles to maintain a scowl
Too much pain for tears that cling
Too much time spent, when all the while
I could be doing better things

Though pessimism runs through my veins
I could be thinking better thoughts
Instead of dwelling on the endless pains
That bring all hope to naught

'Tis true, we are over; yet
I do love you still
And I refuse to have regret
For all that never will

Regret and hate too much energy cost
And I can't quite unearth it
Mourning over a love that's lost?
I don't quite think it's worth it

~Biki