A poem

[Freya]

okay so i've been trying my hand at poetry of late and i sort of like this one, but please tell me how i can improve on it and what sounds good and what does't... i haven't edited this at all since i wrote it (normally i dont edit or redo my wrtings, but i've decided i want to with my poetry....) so here it is! (its the 8th poem i've written)

Poem #8: The boy

Write nothing of love, hate or dying
Just simply happiness with joy
Write not of sorrow and crying
Remember the good times little boy.

Tip up that chin and straighten that lip
Mommy’s here to hold comfort and squeeze
Yet down your cheeks the tears still drip
Mommy’s here “You’ll be okay… please?”

I carry you from the church
You’re still reaching for Daddy, but he’s gone
I trip and from my arms you lurch
I can’t fill that voice it’s for him you long.

I realize I can do nothing to help you
Except let you sit, cry and stare
The black suit you wear contrasts the crimson pew
It wasn’t just Daddy, I too care…

I’m just a helpless Mother
Trying her best to help her son
He’s lost his best friend, his buddy, his Father
His Daddy was just too sad and lone with a gun…

It’s not his fault, he’s just a boy
But he blames himself for it all
With his father he was always smiling and full of joy
No matter what Mommy does, it’s for him he’ll call

I’m sorry I’ve failed you son
But I’ll still try to be the best Mom
You can’t change what happened, it’s done
I plead for your tears to stop
But they keep bursting fourth as thought form a bomb.

Let’s move on my little love
We finally leave, hand in hand,
Happy know Daddy’s up above,
Shining down on us from that Golden land.

[oompa loompa]

that was really depressing *cry*

[Kiba]

Talk about depressing, but it was well written, but this verse....
I’m sorry I’ve failed you son
But I’ll still try to be the best Mom
You can’t change what happened, it’s done
I plead for your tears to stop
But they keep bursting fourth as thought form a bomb.

.... doesn't exactly fight with your rhyme scheme, it goes A,B,A,C,B, where as the rest of the verses are A,B,A,B, and seriously what exactly is going on in the poem? Can you please explain it to me because I'm confused?

Meh I'm bored and needed to raise my post count.

[Freya]

Talk about depressing, but it was well written, but this verse....

.... doesn't exactly fight with your rhyme scheme, it goes A,B,A,C,D, where as the rest of the verses are A,B,A,B, and seriously what exactly is going on in the poem? Can you please explain it to me because I'm confused?

Meh I'm bored and needed to raise my post count.

i know it doesnt fit... but i didnt know how to make it any better becuase it was like 1 AM and i couldnt think of anything to rhyme with mom except bomb >.< so ya, and i wanted to say "I plead for your tears to stop" i really liked that and wanted to use it... but ya the poem is about a little boy at his dads funeral and how much he misses him and how the father and son were close and how its not only effected the son, but also the mother....

[Kiba]

i know it doesnt fit... but i didnt know how to make it any better becuase it was like 1 AM and i couldnt think of anything to rhyme with mom except bomb >.< so ya, and i wanted to say "I plead for your tears to stop" i really liked that and wanted to use it... but ya the poem is about a little boy at his dads funeral and how much he misses him and how the father and son were close and how its not only effected the son, but also the mother....
NO EXCUSES! And thanks for clearing that up for me.

[Akimichi Choji]

Well its really good, I give it an 8.5/10. Now for what can be improved, your bomb metaphor is way too dramatic. You basically repeat the mother does'nt think she will be a fit parent, and that the kid is undeniably devastated over and over again in different words. Now repitition can ruin a poem, but you do it well. So it fits, overall great job.

[Freya]

thank you so much.... and ya i know most of my stuff is just repetitive crap (hahaha....) but basically i really liked the line "I plead for your tears to stop" and i just quickly came up with a crappy verse to go with it (even though it didnt really :p ) lol and you're welcome Kiba, anytime that little Canadian mind of yours is confused about something, just ask and i'll explain :rolleyes: XD ya know AC, i could probably take out that whole verse that doesnt fit and the poem would be fine.... i personally like the ending about like walking hand in hand as the father looks down..... idk i just thought i did an okay job with that and wrapped it up fairly well...
heres another poem that i kind of wrote as a sequel or something but basically its not, it just starts out the same.... and just a quick note... i know foals (baby horses for those who dont know) arn't in flocks.... (sheep do, foals are in herds with there mummy's) but ya first off: Foal was the only thing i could think of to rhyme with soul (and once i think of a word that rhymes i cant get it out of my head so i'm kind of stuck using it....) secondly, "flock" to me, just sounds more spiritual and thats the way this is supposed to be written: from a spiritual stand point.... so ya i dont like it as good as "the boy" but i still think its okay:

Poem #9: The Foal and The Flock

Write nothing of love, joy or peace
Only of hate, sadness and tears
Watch the flames lick the face of the beast
The beast of hell, death and fears.

He’ll capture you and consume your soul
You’ll fall into the depths of the black pit
He’ll torture, mock and kill the foal
The foal’s helpless after each harsh hit.

He yells at I, the little foal
Mocking my pain and agony
He lashes out and shatters my soul
Once and for all, LEAVE ME BE!

The demons laugh and jitter about
They poke, sneer and mock
I guess it was my fault, I fell into doubt
For it was I who fell from the flock.

[Kiba]

That was another well written mediocre poem, and this time it followed the same rhyme scheme, like Chouji said your metaphors are way too dramatic, other than that it was good, and what is with your poems being about death? From the title I was expecting a poem about a baby horse and a flock of seaguls, but noo.

[Freya]

That was another well written mediocre poem, and this time it followed the same rhyme scheme, like Chouji said your metaphors are way too dramatic, other than that it was good, and what is with your poems being about death? From the title I was expecting a poem about a bay horse and a flock of seaguls, but noo.

hahahha thank you... okay but when you and AC said my metaphors are to dramatic, do you mean like to deep and hard to understand but you got it after thinking about it, or just to wordy? they're easy for me to understand (but thats because i'm the writer) so please tell me how i can improve... and is it like the metaphor is good but needs some clarification or just the whole metaphor is bad? :sweat: please try to tell me lmao..... oh and my poems are often about death because thats a way i vent my emotions..... usaully means nothing unless its seirous (in which case i'll swear or use vulgar/cose lingo about sex, violence, drugs whatever the hell i want.... but i only have a handful of story's where you can acually like read my problems right off the pages pretty much >.< i dont like those ones *giggles*) but ya tell me how to improve! (oh and its good to see you posting in the art forum Kiba.... havnet seen you here much :D )

[Kiba]

hahahha thank you... okay but when you and AC said my metaphors are to dramatic, do you mean like to deep and hard to understand but you got it after thinking about it, or just to wordy? they're easy for me to understand (but thats because i'm the writer) so please tell me how i can improve... and is it like the metaphor is good but needs some clarification or just the whole metaphor is bad? :sweat: please try to tell me lmao..... oh and my poems are often about death because thats a way i vent my emotions..... usaully means nothing unless its seirous (in which case i'll swear or use vulgar/cose lingo about sex, violence, drugs whatever the hell i want.... but i only have a handful of story's where you can acually like read my problems right off the pages pretty much >.< i dont like those ones *giggles*) but ya tell me how to improve! (oh and its good to see you posting in the art forum Kiba.... havnet seen you here much :D )
For me when I say they're too dramatic, I mean they're too indepth and hard to understand. Your metaphors should have some clarification about what it is you're trying to say so the reader doesn't become confused, other than its all good. Not all your poems have to be you venting your emotions, I mean it seems the only time you write is when you're angry or sad, what I'm trying to say is try writing poetry when you're happy or feeling confused, use other emotions in your poetry, I'd enjoy reading another happy poem, or a poem you wrote for no appearant reason.

I don't post in the art fourm because being an artist myself I dislike critcizing other artisits on their work that they put probably alot of effort into, but meh I'm bored.

[Freya]

For me when I say they're too dramatic, I mean they're too indepth and hard to understand. Your metaphors should have some clarification about what it is you're trying to say so the reader doesn't become confused, other than its all good. Not all your poems have to be you venting your emotions, I mean it seems the only time you write is when you're angry or sad, what I'm trying to say is try writing poetry when you're happy or feeling confused, use other emotions in your poetry, I'd enjoy reading another happy poem, or a poem you wrote for no appearant reason.

I don't post in the art fourm because being an artist myself I dislike critcizing other artisits on their work that they put probably alot of effort into, but meh I'm bored.

ya i can understand that.... i can be really confusing sometimes... espcially when i'm angry/sad/depressed... but like i'd write when i'm happy but thats when shitty stuff comes out, like just meaningless crap usaully having to do with love and they'll usaully be short stories (meaning 7+ pages... although i havent written one in a LONG time....) and they usaully end up being about like fairy's or something dumb like that... so i dont post them... ya i write some poetry during church with my brothers that makes NO sense what so ever but its so funny because of that.... but you should post in the art forum becuase you are an artist.... even if you dont post you're own stuff, you can still state your opinion about others works.... just as long as you dont like bash them you know.... but thats what this forum is for: stating your personal view on the topic placed before you... gah now if only they had a spelling forum.... :iamabanan

[Kiba]

ya i can understand that.... i can be really confusing sometimes... espcially when i'm angry/sad/depressed... but like i'd write when i'm happy but thats when shitty stuff comes out, like just meaningless crap usaully having to do with love and they'll usaully be short stories (meaning 7+ pages... although i havent written one in a LONG time....) and they usaully end up being about like fairy's or something dumb like that... so i dont post them... ya i write some poetry during church with my brothers that makes NO sense what so ever but its so funny because of that.... but you should post in the art forum becuase you are an artist.... even if you dont post you're own stuff, you can still state your opinion about others works.... just as long as you dont like bash them you know.... but thats what this forum is for: stating your personal view on the topic placed before you... gah now if only they had a spelling forum.... :iamabanan
You do know they have a "Spell Check" option before you post?

[Philip]

i know it doesnt fit... but i didnt know how to make it any better becuase it was like 1 AM and i couldnt think of anything to rhyme with mom except bomb >.< so ya, and i wanted to say "I plead for your tears to stop" i really liked that and wanted to use it... but ya the poem is about a little boy at his dads funeral and how much he misses him and how the father and son were close and how its not only effected the son, but also the mother....
I think it's a beautifully written poem. I think it's about time someone posted some. I actually have a modest amount myself somewhere, I think poetry rocks. I don't really see any real flaws in it, the poet can change the pace whenever she/he wants, unwritten law. I do that alot. I say well done and if you have any more you should post it!

[Freya]

you post whore.... ahhh *blushes* no i acually didn't know that... oh well i'd rather not use it, it would slow my posting down (LOLZERZ!... happy?) but anyways... i need to learn how to spell properly so thats how i'd utilize a spelling forum... acually what would happen is i'd probably suck at spelling (like i do now) and all the kids there would be good and than they'd make fun of me (kind of like some do here now.... no not you lol) okay you wanted a "funny" poem? heres one my brother and i wrote during church playing the "poetry game" i was lahffing so hard my fahter yelled at me after church becuase i was loud *blushes* (M stands for Me and Z stands for Zach cuase thats my brothers name... oh ya hes 22)

Poem #5:A game between my brother and I

Z- Ilene is old and has white hair,
M- Her wings are gone, her back bare.

M- She’s not young and needs lots of care.
Z- It didn’t have to rhyme you silly pear

M- Oh crap, I need to laugh!
Z- If you do I’ll beat you with a staff!

Z- Turn your smile upside down
M- Zach is a queer
M- Who likes to frown at clowns?

EDIT:
I think it's a beautifully written poem. I think it's about time someone posted some. I actually have a modest amount myself somewhere, I think poetry rocks. I don't really see any real flaws in it, the poet can change the pace whenever she/he wants, unwritten law. I do that alot. I say well done and if you have any more you should post it!

thank you very much Philip... sorry i was writing this post as you posted... but ya you totally should post them! there seems to be a lot of writers here, but very few poets (and even fewer good ones... i myself am not one of them... yet... but there are like two really good poets here!)

[Philip]

Oh come on, you're as good as any, prolly better then me, but ya, someone should have a poetry thread or something, maybe I will...

[Kiba]

What a load of mindless fun crap, compared to your others that is, but I liked it because it was funny and enjoyable to read, and you kept with the rhyme which is sort of the whole point of the game.

[Freya]

What a load of mindless fun crap, compared to your others that is, but I liked it because it was funny and enjoyable to read, and you kept with the rhyme which is sort of the whole point of the game.

ahahahha ya i thought you might like that... than after we played that game i wrote this... which i jsut kind of wrote to make fun of white rapping... becuase it sucks and proves that white people cant rap... by the end my *ahem* "rapping" turns into a more of Delton 3030 style... but enjoy

Poem #6: The crappy rappy

Flowing out onto my paper,
But there just ain’t no way to make her, beautiful.
Beauty is the last thing in my mind,
There’s just nothing left that I can find.
No one to help me, hold me, love me.
Beauty costs, so I come with a fee.

The scent that masks the smell,
Only covers me from my hell-hole,
No home, no life, there’s nothing here.
Blowing over to the next town,
But I see I’m the only one around,
No people, no places, nothing new, no faces.

The dogs bark is silent,
My screams become violent,
As I fall from the top to the bottom
Of the well where its wet and I die
But you are the last thing I see out of my eye.

[Kiba]

Um yeah I'm going to say this boldly, that poem was BEAUTIFUL, the metaphors weren't confusing or to idepth, and I didn't get lost while reading it, so I'd say it was really well done, but I hate that rhyme scheme, or for better words a lack of one.

SCORE! POST COUNT + 1!

[Freya]

Um yeah I'm going to say this boldly, that poem was BEAUTIFUL, the metaphors weren't confusing or to idepth, and I didn't get lost while reading it, so I'd say it was really well done, but I hate that rhyme scheme, or for better words a lack of one.

SCORE! POST COUNT + 1!

well, okay its a very sporatic rhyming scheme.... for the first verse its like A, B, C, C, D, D.... for the next one its like (well you have to remember, its a RAP so you emphisize different words to a beat so that they rhyme.... if that makes sense....) but like ya its just sporatic..... but i was going a little bit for a Detron type of rapping.... he tells a story (and uses metaphors in some songs) and he rhymes but sometimes its to an odd beat, or you just dont notice the rhymes...... if that makes sense (just go read the lyrics to like "Battlesong" and you'll maybe get it)

Kiba is SUCH a post whore :D

EDIT:
this is for Kiba who said i should try "happy" poetry... well this is what happens when i try happy poetry.... (i wrote it last night, i wasnt even said or anything, i was happy when i wrote this.... lmao.... i was just really tired....) oh i hope this makes sense

Poem #10: Greed

The little bunny hops along the forest floor,
Eating his full of shoots and clover
His little tummy is greedy, he only wants more!
The poor little thing can’t see what’s coming: MOWER!

The greedy animal ignores the approaching noise,
Kkk-ka-chunck! The little bunny is no more
His cute face will be missed by all girls and boys,
Now hopping bunny has returned to the forest floor.

His eternal sleep has begun…

He awakes cold and shivering
Only to find his world has changed a lot
It’s sprinkled in white and glittering
His fluffy tail and remains are boiling in a pot.

The driver of the mower is happy,
But his stomach still craves more
He sees something pass that is flappy
BANG! Birdie falls to the forest floor.

[Kiba]

*lahffs*, what funny poem, see you can write good poetry when you're happy. And yes it made sense, I just don't like the title.

[Freya]

*lahffs*, what funny poem, see you can write good poetry when you're happy. And yes it made sense, I just don't like the title.

well the orginal title was "The forest and humans" if you like that any better... i just thought maybe greed was better becuase the bunny and human were greedy

[Kiba]

well the orginal title was "The forest and humans" if you like that any better... i just thought maybe greed was better becuase the bunny and human were greedy
I like the first title much better, but I can see where you came up with the not so good second one.

[Freya]

I like the first title much better, but I can see where you came up with the not so good second one.

hardy har har.... well i'm currently working on another poem so it should be up with in the next few days but i'm tired now so it'll be up later (in case anyone was thinking of closing the thread, please dont)

[Philip]

Hey, can't wait to hear it, (or see it, lol)
good luck!

[Kiba]

Freya you should try writing a haiku, I bet you'd be good at it.

[Freya]

Freya you should try writing a haiku, I bet you'd be good at it.

*blushes* i've read one once, here on AA by like Robin or something, but I really have no clue as to what they are or how to go about writing one.... but ya i'm running WICKED low on sleep... so i'll talk to ya'll tomorrow.... maybe i'll have another poem by the end of the week but i'm totally worn right now so it might be later than i thought i'd have it up.... *cries* lol 'night

[Philip]

Aww, well make sure you get your sleep, and about the Haiku,

Haiku is a Japanese verse form that relies on brevity and simplicity to convey its message. It is usually three lines of five, seven, and five syllables, and frequently includes natural images or themes. It is believed to have been first written in the seventeenth century and is based on a Zen Buddhist philosophy of simplicity and the idea of perfection that excludes the extraneous.

Well, you should go ahead and try one, they are difficult but they rock. You can see the one I made on my poetry thread if you want.

[Freya]

omg... it sounds really hard, but i'll try!!! (i like a challenge!) well heres another poem... i got in a little fight with my father (whom i'm very close with, so it always hurts when we have even the smallest of spats... which is like never any more) and well i mean it was about the most petty thing, and he just had a harsh tone and i really dont like that.... i love my dad and only want to bring a smile to his face, so when we fight about something its hard, because i guess during that fight i feel like i've failed him, otherwise we wouldnt be fighting.... and i know thats not true, i know my dad loves me but latly i feel like he's being mean (like he used to be) and just taking harsh tones with everyone and its making me on edge and kinda bitchy towards all of my family..... idk its confusing right now i dont really know whats going on.... (my daddy when i was little used to call me Magpie, but shortened it to "Pie"... he still calls me Pie, and sometimes calls me Magpie, but it was more when i was little....)

Poem # 11: The fight with Dad

His eyes pierce, his voice is a yell
I shrink away, my eyes fell,
All I hear are you words, more and more
As my eyes divert to the floor.

He leaves and slams the door
Tears fall from my face and I sit
I’ve been hurt badly to my core
Daddy yelled at me and through a fit.

What he says makes me want to die
The one he love, his little Magpie
His only daughter his little girl
Now crying and injured, her brow furled.

I love my father and only want him glad,
Instead I seem to have failed him in some way
Now he becomes mad, yells and makes me sad
I can’t wait for the moment I leave, I want that day.

I know he’d miss me, and so would I,
Still I can’t wait for the day I’ll fly
Leave the house, the family and my old life
By than I’ll stop bleeding and leave the knife.

My pen is empty like my love fore Daddy
I’m sorry but you hurt me and made me cry
I don’t like this you’re not the same Daddy,
Not like you’ll care, but sorry! Time for me to die!

[Kiba]

I fyou think a haiku's hard try writing a sonnet, and sorry to hear about your father. As for the poem that one was really great, very well written. I'm sleepy.

[Philip]

Very good poem Freya, I hope things get better for you and your dad. Best of luck to you both.

Well, time to hit the sack, lol, gnight folks.

[Freya]

SILLY BOYS! GET SOME SLEEP! :p sheesh.... ya whatev, it'll all be fine, i've been kind of emotional latly because he's on edge.... but ya i wrote a few Haiku's last night (omg i thought they'd be really hard but they were really easy.... but the kind of suck) and i think i should apoligize to you Phillip because my first one is JUST like yours that you wrote in that other thread (i copyed yours down as an example, i hope you dont mind, but i'm a visual learner.... :/ ) so ya its pretty similar but the rest are different, idk how GOOD they are.... but ya just tell me what you think (i had fun trying something new) oh ya, and i reorginized the last one, because i thought maybe it sounded better like that, so the original is to the left and the "rewritten" one is in the ( ) to the right....

The flower fades fast
For winter is approaching
Beauty dies quickly.
(Sorry Phillip, it’s kind of the same as yours…)

The river is warm
Filled high with simplicity
This river is love.

Moo! Goes the big cow
Peep! Peep! Go the little chicks
Silent is the sloth

Laughter makes me smile
Smile like I do around you
I love you my boy

The flower dies fast (as my heart withers)
Like my love for you, Darling (just like my love for you boy,)
As my heart withers (our flower dies fast)

[Neon]

Haiku......they seem to be trying to convey a secret message that I can not quite get yet? (Kidding)

[Philip]

SILLY BOYS! GET SOME SLEEP! :p sheesh.... ya whatev, it'll all be fine, i've been kind of emotional latly because he's on edge.... but ya i wrote a few Haiku's last night (omg i thought they'd be really hard but they were really easy.... but the kind of suck) and i think i should apoligize to you Phillip because my first one is JUST like yours that you wrote in that other thread (i copyed yours down as an example, i hope you dont mind, but i'm a visual learner.... :/ ) so ya its pretty similar but the rest are different, idk how GOOD they are.... but ya just tell me what you think (i had fun trying something new) oh ya, and i reorginized the last one, because i thought maybe it sounded better like that, so the original is to the left and the "rewritten" one is in the ( ) to the right....

The flower fades fast
For winter is approaching
Beauty dies quickly.
(Sorry Phillip, it’s kind of the same as yours…)

The river is warm
Filled high with simplicity
This river is love.

Moo! Goes the big cow
Peep! Peep! Go the little chicks
Silent is the sloth

Laughter makes me smile
Smile like I do around you
I love you my boy

The flower dies fast (as my heart withers)
Like my love for you, Darling (just like my love for you boy,)
As my heart withers (our flower dies fast)
Hey, I don't mind a bit, yours is better anywayz, and the one about the sloth is AWSOME! I like it best, it is just kool. But very good work, keep it up, if Haiku's are easy for ya, your definetly a natural!

[Kiba]

Your haikus are good, well written, like Philip said the sloth one was the best, but since when do sloths live in barns with cows and chickens? Because if they are it's certainly some underground movement that I'm totally unaware of.

[Freya]

Your haikus are good, well written, like Philip said the sloth one was the best, but since when do sloths live in barns with cows and chickens? Because if they are it's certainly some underground movement that I'm totally unaware of.

lol ya well i needed a slient random animal, and "rabbit" or "bunny" didnt fit because i already had 4 syllabls er whatev so ya.... i said sloth, but i thought that one was fricking hilarous and the best too :D oh and thank you phillip, i liked yours better but using it as an example really helped me get into the swing of Haiku.... there really fun and they are easy (for me) so ya i love em there fun! n_n

[Philip]

Well thats kool, I wish I could get more intop the swing of Haiku like you did, lol. There not that hard, but they just don't come to me as easy as some of my other stuff.

[swankygoose]

your haikus are cool
They are extremley awesome
I like marshmallows


I say we have a haiku battle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Freya]

Well thats kool, I wish I could get more intop the swing of Haiku like you did, lol. There not that hard, but they just don't come to me as easy as some of my other stuff.

lol ya somethings are hard for me too and others arnt. i guess it all depends on the person and stuff.... lmao Swankygoose (first off your name is hilarous) but no i dont think i could do that :D i dont think i'm that good yet... i wrote like 3 (maybe 4) more last night but i dont think i have time to post them right now, but i'll probably edit this post later with them on there but idk, i'm SO busy its not even funny!

[swankygoose]

lol ya somethings are hard for me too and others arnt. i guess it all depends on the person and stuff.... lmao Swankygoose (first off your name is hilarous) but no i dont think i could do that :D i dont think i'm that good yet... i wrote like 3 (maybe 4) more last night but i dont think i have time to post them right now, but i'll probably edit this post later with them on there but idk, i'm SO busy its not even funny!


No haiku battle :( oh well thats cool Im not that good anyway but thanks for the compliment on the name, took me a while to think of, but anyway you wrote some really good haikus, you and philip are pretty good at this.

[Philip]

Do you know what the leading cause of death for 15 year old girls who write haikus is? No I'm just kidding, business is better than bordom I suppose. Well, can't wait to hear your new stuff!
And Swankygoose, you should start a thread for that, but I'd put it in the Misc. Section, or it will get deleted immediatly by someone, lol.

[Freya]

No haiku battle :( oh well thats cool Im not that good anyway but thanks for the compliment on the name, took me a while to think of, but anyway you wrote some really good haikus, you and philip are pretty good at this.

lol thanks!! I can't speek for Phillip, but i think his are very good too!

EDIT:
i dont get it Phillip.... (maybe i'm just dumb)

[Philip]

Just a stupid joke, lol. Don't mind me, I get a little bit crazy when I'm low on sugar, lol. Must...have...skittles....
and no, your not dumb at all, that would be me, lol :moron:

[swankygoose]

lol thats really creepy

[Philip]

Hey man, candy is the best thing since sliced bread, I couldn't survive without it, (but my dental bill would be a lot lower lol)

[swankygoose]

Hey man, candy is the best thing since sliced bread, I couldn't survive without it, (but my dental bill would be a lot lower lol)

lol no dude I was talking about the number one death of 15 year old girls thing but I guess dental bills are scary to lol.

[Freya]

STOP SPAMMING UP MY THREAD! lmao i'll have more posted later, but i dont want it to close lol!

[Freya]

heres more haiku's... there all just kind of random.... so ya:

The faces obscured
It pains me to look at it
It’s so atrocious!

Teeming with the pain
Created by your long tongue
I die by your words

The dirt in my pores
Fills every nook and cranny
I feel discussing

The little puppy
Has big eyes that are shiny
He’s adorable

My little brothers
I need to protect my boys
For they’re my family

[Kiba]

Good Job Freya! *blows noise maker*, meh I'm to tired to write anything sum-what meaningful, but yeah good job on your haiku's, the puppy one was the best the rest were all like dark and depressing, which sorta puts me off.

[Philip]

Hey Freya! Sorry I haven't been on in a while, but nice work, I love the one about little brothers, really meaningful, and of course the puppy one was cute, well done, keep it up!

[Freya]

lol its no biggy Phillip, i can barly keep up with my threads and what-not sometimes, i lead a VERY busy life, and its only getting more busy with school approaching.... gahhhh! but thank you, ya the little brothers one means kind of a lot to me, i love my two little brothers and kind of mother them A LOT more than they like but we get a long pretty well and its really fun.... i just cant wait till they get older and start like dating and junk, lmao i cant wait to like scare off there girlfriends..... :D but whatev, i've still got like 8 years till that happens.....

EDIT: oopsie! i forgot to add this.... its like a poem i wrote using haiku's if that makes sense, i think it kind of sucks, but it was fun and a little hard to do..... i was just messing around and trying something new... :D its not really about nature (sorry) but ya... its about feeling... (no its not dark Kiba, its kinda different....)

Haiku poem

This world is turning
Only to stop for us two
Let’s live forever

Now what shall we do?
You’re a boy who is clever
Once we were but two

With you is so fun
Now we are living as one
May we never part

[Freya]

okay ya i know double posting... big whoop, that last thing sucked, and i'm really excited about this so here goes: its a short discriptive essay about nature and you may or maynot like it.... i just did it for fun! (its not poetry sorry)

“The Changing of Seasons”

The endless deep blue sky is interrupted by the rays of the sun. That dark blue utopia, lit by the moon and stars is backing away towards the horizon. The starts are dusted underneath the pale pink, yellow, grey and baby blue lights of the early morning. The crickets become hushed as the soft call of birds becomes more prevalent with each passing moment of early spring bliss. The long green grass, still intertwined with brown remnants of winter, glisten like an emerald sea as the dew begins to evaporate in the heat of the summer sun. The sun is high and the sky a soft blue, littered with random puffy clouds. The birds are tending to their young, the apples are coming in and the garden is growing. Flowers of so many different hues place us in awe of their beauty as we watch the bees lazily drone about them. The sky, now a crisp, clear blue with a fading sun begins to darken and a slight “nip” has entered the air. The beginning of the setting sun brings fourth a perfect fall eve to sit and enjoy the sheer beauty of nature. The trees are bare and the lawn full of leaves, the grass now hidden under a layer of brown, red and yellow leaves with the occasional orange scattered about. The crunch can be heard under the paws and hooves of the forest animals preparing for winter. The garden has been harvested, the flowers have withered and died and the birds have begun there long journey south. Some say fall is just the cold, ugly brown season, but I say it’s the season of sunsets as I suit, stunned by the vibrant pinks and yellows, fading into the deep clear blue of a starry winter night. The tired sun retreats to its home on the other side of the horizon as I turn to go back to my own resting place. My breath can be seen and my nose and cheeks are a rosy red as a smile spreads across my face. In my hand I held the first, perfect snowflake, followed by many others. As I neared my home the dull packing of fresh snow could be heard underfoot. The starts and moon lit my path and I felt as though I was in the middle of a field of diamonds. The fresh snow glittered in such a merry way it looked like each sparkle was dancing for the joyful man in the moon. I was sad to turn in for the night, I wanted to stay awake and see the changing of the seasons again.

[Kiba]

I loved "Changing Seasons", it's written so beautifully, good job Freya, but if it isn't a poem then you should have posted it in your other thread titled " ummmm ya", but anyways it was still very good. Now for your Haiku's, I really don't know what to think of them, it's great to see that they're not dark or depressing, but maybe dark or depressing would have been better in this case.

[Freya]

I loved "Changing Seasons", it's written so beautifully, good job Freya, but if it isn't a poem then you should have posted it in your other thread titled " ummmm ya", but anyways it was still very good. Now for your Haiku's, I really don't know what to think of them, it's great to see that they're not dark or depressing, but maybe dark or depressing would have been better in this case.

ya i know its just i think that thread is kind of dying.... but idk.... and thank you, i was really excited about that one too! i'm glad you liked it! but ya with the whole haiku poem thingy, ya i dont think that really worked, but what was wrong about it or what could have made it better??

[Neo-Hunter]

this is very good poem, I hope my new ones will be good.

[Freya]

this is very good poem, I hope my new ones will be good.

lol thanks and i'm sure they will be, you're a good poet CY!

[Philip]

Heya Freya, long-time-no talk, I've been busy with Otokon '05 and whatever, but ya, I love your Haiku poem, I think it's really sweet. Your Changing Seasons was very nice also, how long did it take you to write that? It looks pretty hard, lol. I hope i could write a nice long one as good as yours someday.

[Freya]

Heya Freya, long-time-no talk, I've been busy with Otokon '05 and whatever, but ya, I love your Haiku poem, I think it's really sweet. Your Changing Seasons was very nice also, how long did it take you to write that? It looks pretty hard, lol. I hope i could write a nice long one as good as yours someday.


the changing of seasons took me like 15 min not even i think, (it was one of those type of things that jsut kind of flows out onto your paper) and the Haiku poem (because i'm not sure which one your question was aimed at) maybe took me like 20-30 min???? i really have no clue, most things i write pop out in like under 10 min..... i'm a pretty fast writer n_n but thanks! the Haiku poem was hard and just an experiment, but i'm glad someone liked it! hehehe.... :cutie:

[Freya]

(sorry for double posting, but i really dont care, its my thread) anyways heres a poem i wrote last night that i was kind of excited about..... its very, political you could say so i hope this doesnt bring up any heated debates!

Poem #13: Abortion

I’m so utterly bored,
Strangle me with the umbilical cord,
Like the thousands of girls each year
That have babies after drinking lots of beer

They’re to lazy to take on responsibility,
They get no respect nor do they have modesty.
These horrible murders! Burn them all!
Instead, they’re off having sex, or shopping at the mall.

You may think I hate them,
But actually I pity them,
Theses poor girls are lost and blind,
Committing horrible sins, they’re out of their minds!

I hope God shows them mercy
For painting with blood his nursery.
Jesus loves the little children, alive or dead,
While murdering moms sleep soundly in there bed.

They are deaf towards the screams
For demons plug their ears by any means.
They walk this world in drones,
All while our heavenly father moans.

He sheds tears with each new baby sent up,
By theses girls, now with blood runneth over his cup.
These “Moms” are hopeless unless saved by the bell
Otherwise they will only burn in Hell.

(if you cant tell i'm against abortion.... and ya some of the stuff is cheezy and kind of over the top but ya)

[Kiba]

God what a happy cheery poem you have there Freya, I must say it was extremely well written kudos Freya, kudos. I think it's your best poem yet, even though it's controversial.

:smfartt: Aahahahhaha looks it me and my sister, oh and I'm the one who turned green and died.

[Freya]

thank you, that means a lot.... i hope people understand its basically about the stupidity of some teen girls these days.... i came up with this whole idea from the frist two lines, they just popped into my head... ("I’m so utterly bored, Strangle me with the umbilical cord,") i just thought it was a good rhyme and it all came out of that....

heres another poem i wrote last night, i suppose its kind of a riddle, but a very bad one, because you can totally tell what its about.... (and i'm sorry i stole the first line from Pumba from the Lion King, so if i get like sued or something and have to go to jail, you guys know what happened to me)

"Burning balls of gas, billions of miles away
How can such a thing be so beautiful?
Yet still they shine at night, hidden in the day.

That vast deep blue,
Scattered with the little lights,
I’m awestruck, what else am I to do?

Just observing makes me weak,
How can such things be so captivating?
During the day it is for them I seek.

They’re hanging around with the Man in the Moon,
They’re so romantic and lovely!
Its for theses precious little sparkles I swoon."

EDIT: *lahffs* oh i'm sure shes not THAT bad...

[Kiba]

thank you, that means a lot.... i hope people understand its basically about the stupidity of some teen girls these days.... i came up with this whole idea from the frist two lines, they just popped into my head... ("I’m so utterly bored, Strangle me with the umbilical cord,") i just thought it was a good rhyme and it all came out of that....

heres another poem i wrote last night, i suppose its kind of a riddle, but a very bad one, because you can totally tell what its about.... (and i'm sorry i stole the first line from Pumba from the Lion King, so if i get like sued or something and have to go to jail, you guys know what happened to me)

"Burning balls of gas, billions of miles away
How can such a thing be so beautiful?
Yet still they shine at night, hidden in the day.

That vast deep blue,
Scattered with the little lights,
I’m awestruck, what else am I to do?

Just observing makes me weak,
How can such things be so captivating?
During the day it is for them I seek.

They’re hanging around with the Man in the Moon,
They’re so romantic and lovely!
Its for theses precious little sparkles I swoon."

EDIT: *lahffs* oh i'm sure shes not THAT bad...
That was a good poem, but it doesn't compare to the work of your previous poem "Abortion" which I think is the best one so far, but it was till well written and good.

P.S. Yes she is that bad, I've been airing the room now for 15 minutes and the smell still hasn't gone.

[Freya]

That was a good poem, but it doesn't compare to the work of your previous poem "Abortion" which I think is the best one so far, but it was till well written and good.

P.S. Yes she is that bad, I've been airing the room now for 15 minutes and the smell still hasn't gone.

yes, but did you get what it was about??? and thank you, you flatter me *blushes* i like the abortion one as well.... AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAA OMG i feel SO bad for you.... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... well heres another one that i dont really think i should be posting because its dumb and ya i sorted this all out with myself so OLD stuff but here:

Poem #12

Your voice: depressed and dull,
You seem distracted and uninterested,
My mind is wandering, my voice now a lull,
What’s going on? You seem different.

You told me you wanted to talk,
So I gave you the chance
Instead you cut it short and walk,
I’m SO confused; I hang up before the words spoken.

I’m curious as to how you feel,
I know you love me and find me exciting,
But tell me Love, what’s the deal?
What were you diverted by, or why did you go?

With you I never seem to know,
And I know I ask theses questions a lot,
I want to be off stage and done with this show
In other words: I was it straight up!

[Spilled Milk]

about your abortion poem
its good...the writting needs work..there are parts that make no sense..because I think you were just trying to rhyme or something..and it is a little too preachy for my taste...don't get me wrong I hate abortion..but the beginning of your poem sounds like one of those activists that bomb abortion clinics could have written it..

[Freya]

about your abortion poem
its good...the writting needs work..there are parts that make no sense..because I think you were just trying to rhyme or something..and it is a little too preachy for my taste...don't get me wrong I hate abortion..but the beginning of your poem sounds like one of those activists that bomb abortion clinics could have written it..

O.O wow.... i dont think it does at all, i just think its a poem with a stongly opinionated person writing it.... please though, be more spicific, what places need work? why? what do you feel is wrong with it? i thought it was pretty good by itself.... basically it goes like this: first verse means: babys die, girls get pregnant after partying. Second verse: they're loose, they'd rather be having sex or at the mall buying immodest clothes.... they're to lazy to take on the responsiblity of having a child so they kill it Third: i'm stating what i think of them, i dont hate these girls for what they do, yes i hate WHAT they are doing, but not them i pity them.... the Forth is kind of like a prayer to God to have mercy on them, because personally i dont believe a saved person would murder their own child... Fifth: is about how deaf they are towards God and how they dont really hear anything or any of the prayers that go out to them, but instead walk around this world living like they want Sixth: is about how, unless they are saved, will burn.... (to Spilled Milk: it says in the bible that people who commit murder or any sin will burn in hell unelss saved, you know this so you cannot argue against it) Fact: Sinners will go to hell Fact: God can save sinners, if they confess... Fact: Lysol kills 99.9% of all germs :D have a good day!

[Ninja Realist]

Freya that abortion poem scared the shit out of me.

Holy ****.

[Freya]

Freya that abortion poem scared the shit out of me.

Holy ****.

ah well hehehe its nice to see you reading my stuff again NR, i thought i scared you off a while ago but i guess not welcome back.... :p but it made you think about it right? what was your reaction other wise?

[Ninja Realist]

Well I don't want to get into the politics, but I thought that a lot of what SM said is really true. A lot of the rhymes seemed forced. Otherwise though, It was a pretty solid poem and a lot of the imagery was really vivid and ummm.....Scary.

[Freya]

Well I don't want to get into the politics, but I thought that a lot of what SM said is really true. A lot of the rhymes seemed forced. Otherwise though, It was a pretty solid poem and a lot of the imagery was really vivid and ummm.....Scary.

well which ones???? you know please dont think i'm picking on either of you but which ones? if your really trying to help tell me, because i dont really see which ones.... but thank you and ya i wanted it to be vivd and really get well my very stong and seemingly preachy view out there to people, i believe its very important to share your belifs with others... even though it may be in a different way than what people are used to.... :)

[Ninja Realist]

OK.



They’re to lazy to take on responsibility,
They get no respect nor do they have modesty.
These horrible murders! Burn them all!
Instead, they’re off having sex, or shopping at the mall.

This whole Stanza has issues. The first rhyme is very akward and forced. Modesty and Responsibility worki thematically, but not rythmically. The second two verses have the opposite problem the rhyme works, but lapsing from "These horrible murders! Burn them all!" to "Instead, they’re off having sex, or shopping at the mall." just sounds totally ridiculous. They seem to be put together like that just so they can rhyme.

You may think I hate them,
But actually I pity them,

Ending both verses with "them" is bad repetition.

He sheds tears with each new baby sent up,
By theses girls, now with blood runneth over his cup.
These “Moms” are hopeless unless saved by the bell
Otherwise they will only burn in Hell.

The second verse just doesn't make grammatical or syntactical sense. In fact I don't really get what it actually means. I understand the third verse, but I don't understand how that figure of speech is applicable here. In fact wouldn't time be on their side? Wouldn't it be better for them to have more time to reflect on and repent for their sins?

This isn't as much of a criticism of your writing, but don't you think that such violent gruesome imagery would scare your reader, or make them think your a religious crazy, instead of convincing them that abortion is wrong? I think if your aim is proselytization, I'd stay away from the hardcore religious stuff.

[Freya]

OK.




This whole Stanza has issues. The first rhyme is very akward and forced. Modesty and Responsibility worki thematically, but not rythmically. The second two verses have the opposite problem the rhyme works, but lapsing from "These horrible murders! Burn them all!" to "Instead, they’re off having sex, or shopping at the mall." just sounds totally ridiculous. They seem to be put together like that just so they can rhyme.



Ending both verses with "them" is bad repetition.



The second verse just doesn't make grammatical or syntactical sense. In fact I don't really get what it actually means. I understand the third verse, but I don't understand how that figure of speech is applicable here. In fact wouldn't time be on their side? Wouldn't it be better for them to have more time to reflect on and repent for their sins?

This isn't as much of a criticism of your writing, but don't you think that such violent gruesome imagery would scare your reader, or make them think your a religious crazy, instead of convincing them that abortion is wrong? I think if your aim is proselytization, I'd stay away from the hardcore religious stuff.

i am not using this poem as a religious tool, although i am very religions i know better than to go about using something as "graphic" as this... lol i know that its bad to rhyme them with them but idk i thought it kind of fit.... its more open poetry, you can do whatever you want and make it your own.... ya i know i totally jacked up that second verse, basically what it says is: they kill kids, which fills god's cup with blood.... like in the 23 psalm it talkes about "his cup runneth over" so i'm saying these mothers are making it run over with blood.... idk just an anlogy.... i'm sorry Ninja, but i'm going to sound really really dumb to you probabaly saying this, but your using to big of words.... whats proselytization mean?????? O.o (how the hell did i get into college, i dont know....) modesty and responsibility arnt supposed to work rythmically.... i didnt want them to rhyme, i wanted to get across that they arnt responsable and most arnt modest.... and you are right about the last part, it doesnt fully make sense but it does fit in with the whole theme of the poem (????) Time is on no ones side.... our lives are like vapors in the wind, here one day gone tomorrow you know? God knows when we'll die... yes we selfishly can end our lives "early" on but we dont know exactly when we are going do die.... if taht makes sense, thats why its so urgent to repent right now, when your young, because ya you may live to be old, but you might not..... and thats the whole point we dont know! again i'm not using this as a religious tool (my friend and i had a two hour discussion about this last night) i'm simply using it to put my opinion out there about abortion, i just suddenly felt strongly about it and like i wanted people to know.... if i am using it to show anyone anything its that abortion is as you said, gruesome and i dont believe everyone can see that.... not everybody understands just wnat it is.... so thats all i'm trying to get across n_n i probably wont be able to read your response until after sunday due to some home computer complications :/ (damn restrictions) but i'll look for it sunday or monday n_n

~Freya~

[TwinchaosX]

(sorry for double posting, but i really dont care, its my thread) anyways heres a poem i wrote last night that i was kind of excited about..... its very, political you could say so i hope this doesnt bring up any heated debates!

Poem #13: Abortion

I’m so utterly bored,
Strangle me with the umbilical cord,
Like the thousands of girls each year
That have babies after drinking lots of beer

They’re to lazy to take on responsibility,
They get no respect nor do they have modesty.
These horrible murders! Burn them all!
Instead, they’re off having sex, or shopping at the mall.

You may think I hate them,
But actually I pity them,
Theses poor girls are lost and blind,
Committing horrible sins, they’re out of their minds!

I hope God shows them mercy
For painting with blood his nursery.
Jesus loves the little children, alive or dead,
While murdering moms sleep soundly in there bed.

They are deaf towards the screams
For demons plug their ears by any means.
They walk this world in drones,
All while our heavenly father moans.

He sheds tears with each new baby sent up,
By theses girls, now with blood runneth over his cup.
These “Moms” are hopeless unless saved by the bell
Otherwise they will only burn in Hell.

(if you cant tell i'm against abortion.... and ya some of the stuff is cheezy and kind of over the top but ya)

I am for abortion and I totally disagree with your poem but they are not half bad in terms of being well written and you give alot of them a little bit of a undertone it seems abeit a religious one. However I think this poem is horrible and sickens it me but it does a good job of trying to get across its message I guess.....

[Kiba]

yes, but did you get what it was about??? and thank you, you flatter me *blushes* i like the abortion one as well.... AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAA OMG i feel SO bad for you.... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... well heres another one that i dont really think i should be posting because its dumb and ya i sorted this all out with myself so OLD stuff but here:

Poem #12

Your voice: depressed and dull,
You seem distracted and uninterested,
My mind is wandering, my voice now a lull,
What’s going on? You seem different.

You told me you wanted to talk,
So I gave you the chance
Instead you cut it short and walk,
I’m SO confused; I hang up before the words spoken.

I’m curious as to how you feel,
I know you love me and find me exciting,
But tell me Love, what’s the deal?
What were you diverted by, or why did you go?

With you I never seem to know,
And I know I ask theses questions a lot,
I want to be off stage and done with this show
In other words: I was it straight up!
That poem sounds and awful lot like that phone conversation, but yeah I didn't really like that poem, the rhyme scheme was like all over the place, I just didn't get it, it was just an okay poem. Lets hear some more though, and yes I got what your poem was about, and as more my opinion on abortion I could care less, I guess both sides could be argued evenly until the end of time.

[Freya]

I am for abortion and I totally disagree with your poem but they are not half bad in terms of being well written and you give alot of them a little bit of a undertone it seems abeit a religious one. However I think this poem is horrible and sickens it me but it does a good job of trying to get across its message I guess.....

hahahahah well thank you, i know it takes a lot for you to say its a well written poem even though you dont like the story line you know? (well i know thats hard for me to do) and ya Kiba i should apoligize to you for that.... (you know what i'm talking about... i just shouldnt have posted that) but here are more Haiku's!!! ya some are about nature, some arnt, ooooohhhh well!

The Trees are alive,
Alive with bee’s and Spring time,
I love Apple trees.

Wolves howl to me,
Looking for me; their Master
I am the White Wolf.

Daddy doesn’t love,
His heart is made of black stone
He just yells at me.

The snow: so perfect.
I behold untouched beauty,
The snow’s pure like rain.

Where are you Lover?
Gone, just like my happiness,
My search for you ends.

[Philip]

(sorry for double posting, but i really dont care, its my thread) anyways heres a poem i wrote last night that i was kind of excited about..... its very, political you could say so i hope this doesnt bring up any heated debates!

Poem #13: Abortion

I’m so utterly bored,
Strangle me with the umbilical cord,
Like the thousands of girls each year
That have babies after drinking lots of beer

They’re to lazy to take on responsibility,
They get no respect nor do they have modesty.
These horrible murders! Burn them all!
Instead, they’re off having sex, or shopping at the mall.

You may think I hate them,
But actually I pity them,
Theses poor girls are lost and blind,
Committing horrible sins, they’re out of their minds!

I hope God shows them mercy
For painting with blood his nursery.
Jesus loves the little children, alive or dead,
While murdering moms sleep soundly in there bed.

They are deaf towards the screams
For demons plug their ears by any means.
They walk this world in drones,
All while our heavenly father moans.

He sheds tears with each new baby sent up,
By theses girls, now with blood runneth over his cup.
These “Moms” are hopeless unless saved by the bell
Otherwise they will only burn in Hell.

(if you cant tell i'm against abortion.... and ya some of the stuff is cheezy and kind of over the top but ya)

Wow, this poem has a lot of passion and sincerity in it, you can really feel it, the word pictures are truly gripping. Very well done, I really feel your burden for the subject through this poem. I have to say I agree with you on the abortion issue, I do the march for life like, every year. Very well done, keep it up.

By the by, I like your new Haikus, especially the one about the snow, very nice and the wolf one is kool too.

[Freya]

Wow, this poem has a lot of passion and sincerity in it, you can really feel it, the word pictures are truly gripping. Very well done, I really feel your burden for the subject through this poem. I have to say I agree with you on the abortion issue, I do the march for life like, every year. Very well done, keep it up.

By the by, I like your new Haikus, especially the one about the snow, very nice and the wolf one is kool too.

i've never done the march or anything, so idk how much of a prolife supporter i am in that sense, but yes see, THIS is the message i was trying to get across! hehehehe Phillip got it... all i wanted to show was my emotion on this subject and idk it was just on my heart that night and felt like a heavy burden so i had to get it off.... *hugs Phillip* thank you very much.... ya i liked those two too out of all of them i think... i kinda liked the apple tree one to, just because idk i love trees, they speek so much by doing so little if you get me... O.o well maybe i'll have more up later but for now i have to get dressed and ready for a picnic! WOO!

[Shiki]

you're a really good poet! Though I don't do poetry...I just sit on a chair like a bum.

[Freya]

you're a really good poet! Though I don't do poetry...I just sit on a chair like a bum.

thank you very much! i'm flattered, ya i dont think that everyone who reads poetry writes it... lol you can learn so much from just observing things its crazy but thank you again for the comment n_n

[Philip]

Actually, there is very few poets I actually read, lol. I don't even know very many, I mean, Poe is ok now and then, but thats about the extent for me.
I like amature poets much better.

[Freya]

Actually, there is very few poets I actually read, lol. I don't even know very many, I mean, Poe is ok now and then, but thats about the extent for me.
I like amature poets much better.

i love reading am poets (like you guys) but i do read William Blake, Poe and Emily Dickenson every now and than... but heres some more! this is kind of supposed to be antoher "happy" poem, i find it amusing... ummm i know the second to last verse doenst really work all that well, but i dont know how to fix it (so help me in other words! hehehee)

Poem #15: Candy

The light surges through my body,
I feel totally weightless!
I’m filled with joy, my vision is now dotty,
No longer am I dateless.

I’ve found the love of my life,
He’s mine, he’s the one, I just know it!
I hope someday he makes me his wife,
When he’s near my hormones throw a fit.

He tastes so sweet, with his smooth, dark skin,
It’s so smooth, so milky,
I eat him for desert every night after din-din,
He can be white, dark or silky chocolate.

That’s right, my love is candy!
Reeses Pieces, M & M’s and Rollo’s,
Eating them makes me feel right out dandy!
Loosing them feels like a bad game of Marco Polo.

I don’t just have one sweet tooth,
I have many,
I love candy, but some say this passion is uncouth,
But I say screw it! As I feel another cavity.

Candy is my lover, my passion, MINE.
Just because I like it doesn’t mean I’m obese
It’s on the chocolates, taffies and caramel that I dine,
You better move out of my way if I want another piece!

[Philip]

hehe, this is a cute poem! I love candy too, lol. Screw the cavities! haha. I liked it. Ya, I'm not sure how to help ya on that section, but I bet Kiba would know, that dude's pretty smart.
A bit of the ryhming seems forced, I'd work on making it flow a bit better. I dunno, I still think the poem is sweet, lol.

[Freya]

hehe, this is a cute poem! I love candy too, lol. Screw the cavities! haha. I liked it. Ya, I'm not sure how to help ya on that section, but I bet Kiba would know, that dude's pretty smart.
A bit of the ryhming seems forced, I'd work on making it flow a bit better. I dunno, I still think the poem is sweet, lol.

ya i know, it really doenst flow.... but i figured "meh, its amusing" hehehee... and okay, i love candy, but i also practice really good dental care, so i've only had one cavity heehehehhee.... but ya candy rocks..... ya i kind of figured Kiba might help me with that, and ya that boy is really smart (lol although sometimes i dont think he realizes it :p ) hahahahha nice one at the end.... well ummmm here are some more haiku's...

“What’s the point of life?
Why were we placed on this earth?
What’r we gonna find?

Is death the real end?
Or is there more afterward?
How are we to know?

God’s givin answers,
To everyone’s questions,
Just read the bible.”
(thats all one, they all kind of fit togeather.... religious i know, but meh whatev.... i love my religion and am proud to be a part of it n_n )

Japanese boy’s rock,
They’re so incredibly cute,
I want one for me.

The rain is soothing
As it pitter-patters on,
Ceaselessly grey skies.
(and than the two random ones hehehehehehe i like this last one but whatev!)

[Philip]

It's cool how you linked the first three haikus into a whole, very creative, I should try that sometime. I wonder if theres a special name for that or something... KIIIIIIIIIBA!
But very nice. Don't worry, I'm sure there's a Japanese boy out there waiting for ya, lol.

[Spilled Milk]

OMG! yes I lvoe your japanese boy haiku lol XD story of my life XD.. and I really liked your candy poem..I noticed your poetry is alot more upbeat recently I'm glad :) because I whant you to be happy :D *huggles*

[Freya]

OMG! yes I lvoe your japanese boy haiku lol XD story of my life XD.. and I really liked your candy poem..I noticed your poetry is alot more upbeat recently I'm glad :) because I whant you to be happy :D *huggles*

lmao i wrote the japanese boy one for you kinda hehehehehe so YAYAYA! and ya i try to be happy n_n* some days are harder than others but for the most part i'm fine (i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that i'm so busy now with school having started and stuff, i dont really have time to be selfishly depressed hehehehe so yayayayyaa....) wow that was..... weird... O.o nm.... okay but thanks all for the comments!!! they're much apreciated! *hugs to all* (oh and Philip, Kiba's offline if you didnt see)

[Kiba]

Aahahah that candy poem was pretty funny, but some of those rhymes seemed a tad bit forced, and I don't like that second last verse, I'm trying to think of how it can be better but I've got nothing at the moment, hmm I suppose it could go something like....

Some say you've only have on sweet tooth
But the fact is I have many
I love candy, but the dentist tells me it's not healthy
But I disagree, as I feel around for cavities

I'll get around to the haikus latter, right now I wanna beat my sister at karoke *Starts singing "Catch the wind, see us spin, sail away, leave today, way up high in the sky. But the wind won't blow, you really shouldn't go, it only goes to show"*

[Freya]

Aahahah that candy poem was pretty funny, but some of those rhymes seemed a tad bit forced, and I don't like that second last verse, I'm trying to think of how it can be better but I've got nothing at the moment, hmm I suppose it could go something like....

Some say you've only have on sweet tooth
But the fact is I have many
I love candy, but the dentist tells me it's not healthy
But I disagree, as I feel around for cavities

I'll get around to the haikus latter, right now I wanna beat my sister at karoke *Starts singing "Catch the wind, see us spin, sail away, leave today, way up high in the sky. But the wind won't blow, you really shouldn't go, it only goes to show"*

O.o wow Kiba.... i didnt know you were a singer... ANYWAYS ya i know i think i said something about how the second to last verse kinda sucked and it needed MAJOR work lol, what you did was alright, i think the flow might have been a bit better... maybe i should just make up a whole new verse all togeather???? i'll probably think about it during school today so but i'm glad you liked it! n_n

[Sunami 366]

i say it was a well written poem. very touching..

[Freya]

i say it was a well written poem. very touching..

which one??? the candy one????? really? you found that touching? O.o okay lol whatever floats your boat! heres like the longest poem i've ever written.... i wrote it last night cause my head was buzzing with thoughts of, well of myself... negitive thoughts but ya thats life, eh? you have your ups and you have your downs, everyone does n_n so here tis: (oh ya, usaully i put in into word first so i make sure my spellings all correct and most grammer is, but i'm not this time >.< )

Poem #17: "Feelings"

The skin folds over,
bouncing left and right,
nothing seems to make it go away,
I’m so discouraged, yet I continue to fight.

It’s so hard to smile when I feel like this,
Remember: mirrors lie.
I’m so disgusting! See! I’m revolting
looking like this makes me want to die.
(not really, it just makes me feel gross, i dont want to die, i just needed a rhyming word... yup, i'm a desperate crappy poet hehehehehhee)

It feels hopeless,
I’ll forever be fat,
no matter what you say, it wont change my mind.
I’m just like that...

I’m stubborn, I stick to my guns,
so why cant I with this?
Why is it so hard to loose weight?
When I die, my body I won’t miss.

Giving up food has been a slow process,
its been hard eating less,
so why do I still feel like a cow?!
What’s wrong? Why am I such a mess?

I don’t understand what’s going on...
I don’t get life
I hate being a girl, its so confusing
*I promised I’d put down the knife*
(I promised!)

Living today makes me feel helpless,
its hard to find inspiration to live,
so what keeps me going?
There’s really no answer I can give.

I don’t know why I’m here,
life is so chaotic, its rushing by,
sometimes I just want to forget it all
Time leaves me in the dust as it fly’s.

I know there’s purpose,
and I know who he is,
but I feel so distant and lost
I’m rapidly dissipating, like fizz.
(here, He is refering to God)

my thoughts are crooked,
my sleep is restless and bad,
I’d ask for help, but I don’t want attention
I don’t need it, it only makes me sad or mad.
(i'm so selfish... gah)

I fear my path was never straight,
only full of twists, turns and bends,
its full of holes and chasms,
I’ve given up, this is the end...

ya so i kind of added some of my thoughts about it in ( )'s on certain verses.... idk last night i just felt... bad i guess :p but i feel fine today O.o (gah i hate being a girl, its so full of crappy ups and downs GAHHHH!!!) seiorulsy, you guys have it SO easy! oh and regarding verse 6, dont worry... i didnt... ummm oh and i'm honestly not fat, i just felt like it yesterday for some reason, and i'm not anirexic as is sort of implyed, but i am eating less, but thats only because American's tend to eat until they're FULL not satisfyed, which comes before being full, idk i remember my friend gave some presentation on it, but anyways so i've just been trying to eat until i'm SATISFIED er however you spell it >.< sorry guys i know i suck at spelling... a lot... so ya thoughts?

EDIT: i fixed all the spelling.... and most of the punctuation (yayayya go word! i dont like AA's spell checker O.o dont ask me.... i just dont)

[Shiki]

[QUOTE=Freya](oh ya, usaully i put in into word first so i make sure my spellings all correct and most grammer is, but i'm not this time >
Excuse me but, I'd like you to notice that the spelling of the word grammer is wrong. The correct spelling is grammar :D . Oh, and that poem of your's, it's another success! You might become the Shakespere of this millenium!

[Freya]

(oh ya, usaully i put in into word first so i make sure my spellings all correct and most grammer is, but i'm not this time
Excuse me but, I'd like you to notice that the spelling of the word grammer is wrong. The correct spelling is grammar :D . Oh, and that poem of your's, it's another success! You might become the Shakespere of this millenium!

.......... >.> ........... see...... i told you...... i cant spell! ahhhh well, i type fast, so i blame it on that teeheheheehe.... but i really cant, nor should i.... but thank you, what did you like so much about it? and i wouldnt go so far as to say i'm the next shakespere at all (i dont read shakespere, i'm kind of afraid to) but no i'm just an average am poet trying to get her work out there.... i should start putting togeather a portfolio or whatev.... idk.... but no why did you like it?

[Philip]

:hapbounce which one??? the candy one????? really? you found that touching? O.o okay lol whatever floats your boat! heres like the longest poem i've ever written.... i wrote it last night cause my head was buzzing with thoughts of, well of myself... negitive thoughts but ya thats life, eh? you have your ups and you have your downs, everyone does n_n so here tis: (oh ya, usaully i put in into word first so i make sure my spellings all correct and most grammer is, but i'm not this time >.< )

Poem #17: "Feelings"

The skin folds over,
bouncing left and right,
nothing seems to make it go away,
I’m so discouraged, yet I continue to fight.

It’s so hard to smile when I feel like this,
Remember: mirrors lie.
I’m so disgusting! See! I’m revolting
looking like this makes me want to die.
(not really, it just makes me feel gross, i dont want to die, i just needed a rhyming word... yup, i'm a desperate crappy poet hehehehehhee)

It feels hopeless,
I’ll forever be fat,
no matter what you say, it wont change my mind.
I’m just like that...

I’m stubborn, I stick to my guns,
so why cant I with this?
Why is it so hard to loose weight?
When I die, my body I won’t miss.

Giving up food has been a slow process,
its been hard eating less,
so why do I still feel like a cow?!
What’s wrong? Why am I such a mess?

I don’t understand what’s going on...
I don’t get life
I hate being a girl, its so confusing
*I promised I’d put down the knife*
(I promised!)

Living today makes me feel helpless,
its hard to find inspiration to live,
so what keeps me going?
There’s really no answer I can give.

I don’t know why I’m here,
life is so chaotic, its rushing by,
sometimes I just want to forget it all
Time leaves me in the dust as it fly’s.

I know there’s purpose,
and I know who he is,
but I feel so distant and lost
I’m rapidly dissipating, like fizz.
(here, He is refering to God)

my thoughts are crooked,
my sleep is restless and bad,
I’d ask for help, but I don’t want attention
I don’t need it, it only makes me sad or mad.
(i'm so selfish... gah)

I fear my path was never straight,
only full of twists, turns and bends,
its full of holes and chasms,
I’ve given up, this is the end...

ya so i kind of added some of my thoughts about it in ( )'s on certain verses.... idk last night i just felt... bad i guess :p but i feel fine today O.o (gah i hate being a girl, its so full of crappy ups and downs GAHHHH!!!) seiorulsy, you guys have it SO easy! oh and regarding verse 6, dont worry... i didnt... ummm oh and i'm honestly not fat, i just felt like it yesterday for some reason, and i'm not anirexic as is sort of implyed, but i am eating less, but thats only because American's tend to eat until they're FULL not satisfyed, which comes before being full, idk i remember my friend gave some presentation on it, but anyways so i've just been trying to eat until i'm SATISFIED er however you spell it >.< sorry guys i know i suck at spelling... a lot... so ya thoughts?

EDIT: i fixed all the spelling.... and most of the punctuation (yayayya go word! i dont like AA's spell checker O.o dont ask me.... i just dont)

Yikes, it's pretty well written but I think your being WAY to hard on yourself. But ya, I know everybody has their ups and downs and I feel down alot to but STILL, be nicer to yourself! :hapbounce
But very well done, I like the part "it's so hard to smile when I feel like this", it's so simple but it's so powerful and true.
Well, hope you start feeling better, remember, BE HAPPY! :iamabanan

[Freya]

Yikes, it's pretty well written but I think your being WAY to hard on yourself. But ya, I know everybody has their ups and downs and I feel down alot to but STILL, be nicer to yourself!
But very well done, I like the part "it's so hard to smile when I feel like this", it's so simple but it's so powerful and true.
Well, hope you start feeling better, remember, BE HAPPY!

gah that dancing banana makes me smile every time.... next time i feel crappy, i'm so gonna picture that.... omg... thehehehe but ya i'm feeling betterish :p thank you.... ya i'm really hard on myself most of the time.... idk why, i mean its like i set these impossible standards for myself, and the people around me just support me, they dont pressure me to do anything.... idk i really am tense (lol well thats what my chiropractor said hehehehehe) but thank you very much Philip for the concern n_n lol for my english comp class, i get to do an independent project, and i'm going to write poetry and/or short stories and keep track of why i wrote them and what i was feeling when i did and like what i was listening to while i wrote the piece.... so ya i cant wait to start that! AYAYAYAYAYYAY!!! :hyper: oh but thank you, ya that phrase is simple but so very, very true....

[Philip]

I know, that banana is so funny. I'm glad your doing better though, you are SO LUCKY! You get to do that for English??? I wish I could get away with that, it would be so fun. Well, enjoy yourself, while I'm stuck reading biographies of boring dead people or something lol.

[Freya]

I know, that banana is so funny. I'm glad your doing better though, you are SO LUCKY! You get to do that for English??? I wish I could get away with that, it would be so fun. Well, enjoy yourself, while I'm stuck reading biographies of boring dead people or something lol.

ya well we have to try to link it to the formal writing were doing and how it will improve that formal writing, so lol i just totally (well not totally but pretty much) BSed the answer "i get emotionally stressed which causes writers block for me, so this will be a good way for me to vent my emotions nad get rid of that writers block" or something like that, idk we had to write a memo to the teacher about it heheheheheehehe, but it is half true about the stress, but not about hte block.... heheheheheheh

[Philip]

Haha, I hate writers block, especially when I can't find a kool word that ryhms ya know? It drives me up the wall, I've had to throw away good poetry I've written because I can't stand to look @ the block, Argh! lol.
P.s. Stress sucks too :bashhead

[Freya]

Haha, I hate writers block, especially when I can't find a kool word that ryhms ya know? It drives me up the wall, I've had to throw away good poetry I've written because I can't stand to look @ the block, Argh! lol.
P.s. Stress sucks too :bashhead

gah i know, stress really really sucks.... but ya lol when i'm stuck with a rhyme or if i have to many rhymes in my head, i'll write the word and list all rhyming words under it.... it helps clear your mind and than you have a (possible) wide viriety of words to choose from (gah i suck at spelling) :moron:

[Kiba]

Poem #17: "Feelings"

The skin folds over,
bouncing left and right,
nothing seems to make it go away,
I’m so discouraged, yet I continue to fight.

It’s so hard to smile when I feel like this,
Remember: mirrors lie.
I’m so disgusting! See! I’m revolting
looking like this makes me want to die.
(not really, it just makes me feel gross, i dont want to die, i just needed a rhyming word... yup, i'm a desperate crappy poet hehehehehhee)

It feels hopeless,
I’ll forever be fat,
no matter what you say, it wont change my mind.
I’m just like that...

I’m stubborn, I stick to my guns,
so why cant I with this?
Why is it so hard to loose weight?
When I die, my body I won’t miss.

Giving up food has been a slow process,
its been hard eating less,
so why do I still feel like a cow?!
What’s wrong? Why am I such a mess?

I don’t understand what’s going on...
I don’t get life
I hate being a girl, its so confusing
*I promised I’d put down the knife*
(I promised!)

Living today makes me feel helpless,
its hard to find inspiration to live,
so what keeps me going?
There’s really no answer I can give.

I don’t know why I’m here,
life is so chaotic, its rushing by,
sometimes I just want to forget it all
Time leaves me in the dust as it fly’s.

I know there’s purpose,
and I know who he is,
but I feel so distant and lost
I’m rapidly dissipating, like fizz.
(here, He is refering to God)

my thoughts are crooked,
my sleep is restless and bad,
I’d ask for help, but I don’t want attention
I don’t need it, it only makes me sad or mad.
(i'm so selfish... gah)

I fear my path was never straight,
only full of twists, turns and bends,
its full of holes and chasms,
I’ve given up, this is the end...

Eeek geez how depressing, hmm I wonder how many times I've said that in this thread? But anyways *whistles* that poem was a doozy, it was really well written Freya, and it had a really good flow, well done Freya.

[Freya]

Eeek geez how depressing, hmm I wonder how many times I've said that in this thread? But anyways *whistles* that poem was a doozy, it was really well written Freya, and it had a really good flow, well done Freya.

really???????? lol thanks... ya it was really long, but i think my flow really imporved on that one.... thank you a lot though here are two haiku's i wrote, i wrote another poem too, but i have yet ot put it onto my computer ghahh!

The water, so pure,
It coolly trickles down you
It’s so orgasmic!

“Death. What’s it really?
What’s there to be afraid of?
It’s the beginning…”

(*giggles* i said orgasmic! teeheheheehe)

EDIT: heres the poem!

Poem #18: “The story of the blind man”

Confusion. That black poison sets in
Dizzying me by its horrible spin.

I can’t see, all has gone black
I call out for help as a matter of fact.

Those around cannot hear
For it is I that they truly fear

Confusion has changed, twisted and distorted my face,
The people move away in horror as I find my place.

I sit alone in the park
My voice gone, my vision dark.

I try to listen for the chirping bird,
I cannot hear! “This is absurd!”

Now, not only am I confused, I’m afraid too,
With no tongue, eyes or ears, what will I do?

I panic and fumble around,
Until someone’s feet my hands have found.

I grope up his body and feel his face
I weep as to my knees I fall, my rightful place.

He puts his hands over my eyes
“I can see!” I yell, surprised.

Jesus has saved me, healed me helped me,
I am now all I can and ever will be.

religious i know, but thats what i was going for... oh and at that one part, the people are literally moving away, tahts not a metaphor, becasue back ya know, in Jesus' time, Blind people and lepors and whatnot were shunned and looked down upon.... so ya.... just thought i'd make that clear.... :la:

[Kiba]

really???????? lol thanks... ya it was really long, but i think my flow really imporved on that one.... thank you a lot though here are two haiku's i wrote, i wrote another poem too, but i have yet ot put it onto my computer ghahh!

The water, so pure,
It coolly trickles down you
It’s so orgasmic!

“Death. What’s it really?
What’s there to be afraid of?
It’s the beginning…”

(*giggles* i said orgasmic! teeheheheehe)

I don't know much about Haiku's, but the first one seemed kind of dumb, it doesn't seem like you put any effort into it and just sort of slapped it together and just threw orgasmic in their to be girly, but I don't know. As for the second one, it's kind of thought provoking, but the last line makes it seem more like a statement, I think it should be "It's a begginning.", but anyways I hope to see some more.

[Freya]

I don't know much about Haiku's, but the first one seemed kind of dumb, it doesn't seem like you put any effort into it and just sort of slapped it together and just threw orgasmic in their to be girly, but I don't know.

i'm ashamed to say, as a poet, thats pretty much what i did n_n hehehee ya..... so ummm frick i gotta go, but i'll try to have some more poems up by wednedsday... right now i'm leaving for the week end so until then! tootles!

[Freya]

YAYYAYAA i'm back! heres a poem i wrote to my brother, because he was gone and i miss him horribly... not my best, but ya:

Poem #16: "Ben"

I miss him, we were so close,
I keep you alive through your music,
Brother, tonight is when i miss you most.

You've been gone for son long,
So why have my tears just started?
I scream for you instead of singing our song.

Please, com home soon Ben!
Life isn't the same without you,
How can you come back faster? I'll do what I can...

You're tired and need your own bed,
Yeah, your probably having fun,
But if you don't return soon, i'll be dead.

The whole family need you back,
without your smile the house is dark,
All of us, Jo, Sam, and especially Zach.

Please Ben, come back the same,
I don't want you to change,
Without you it is my happiness that drains.

i think its the second verse that needs a little work but ya.... TO YOU BENNY BOY! I'M SO HAPPY YOUR HOME!! heheh although i'm sure he'll never read this *tear* i'm such a wimp when it comes to writing things for people and acually showing them.... i dont like to hehehehe

[Spilled Milk]

i like it but it kinda sounds like ben died T-T he didn't die did he? j/k I know how you feel :)

[Freya]

i like it but it kinda sounds like ben died T-T he didn't die did he? j/k I know how you feel :)

no he didn't, but with him gone for that long, it felt like he did.... gah.... lol he's sick, so i have to stay home and "take care of him" and he was watching TV all cuddled up in his blanket, and he was like "wheres my chicken soup woman!" i lahffed and got it for him and like i didnt put in in a bowl, i just left it in the container i cooked it in and got a big spoon and he was like "whats this?! no bowl! a big spoon! nope, i wont have it, i want a bowl and a little spoon!" and ya it was hilarous, so gah i had to get that for him and than he ended up like spilling it all over his blanket and the remote and he was like "AWW CRAP!" and i yelled from the other room "what did you spill?" "YES!" omg i was lahffing soooo hard, so i walked into the great room and was like "what, do you need me to feed it to you now?" he lahffed and was like "no just clean off the remote" ya so thats my story.... :schazer: i'm sure you were all captivated huh? NOT

[Kiba]

Someone should call the grammar police[/joke], as a poem it was written exceptionally good, my favourite verse is the final one , I just thought it was really good. But the message or theme of the poem kind of creeped me out, prehaps it was todays episode of Dr. Phil but jeez I was scared, la la la la.

[Freya]

Someone should call the grammar police[/joke], as a poem it was written exceptionally good, my favourite verse is the final one , I just thought it was really good. But the message or theme of the poem kind of creeped me out, prehaps it was todays episode of Dr. Phil but jeez I was scared, la la la la.

dork, what did you see? ah but thank you... it was supposed to be a sweet poem geared towards my relationship with my brother and how i missed him... idk i find that somewhat uncommon with siblings now-a-days... i mean ya some siblings are really close, and others are worlds apart, thats why idk i like showing people that i get along with mine... maybe it will spark something in them to get along with theres.... gah now i sound all self righteous and i dont mean to.... :bashhead sorry i'm gonna go now....

[Philip]

Hey, I liked the poem, ya, but it really does sound like he died, lol. But hey, i know how it's like to miss someone that much. I envy you, my older brother used to be that kool, but when he got married, he turned into a huge jerk and so we live in the same house still but we are worlds apart. But ya, I like the poem.

[Kiba]

dork, what did you see? ah but thank you... it was supposed to be a sweet poem geared towards my relationship with my brother and how i missed him... idk i find that somewhat uncommon with siblings now-a-days... i mean ya some siblings are really close, and others are worlds apart, thats why idk i like showing people that i get along with mine... maybe it will spark something in them to get along with theres.... gah now i sound all self righteous and i dont mean to.... :bashhead sorry i'm gonna go now....
I think you know what I seen, but if you must know please PM me, I 'd rather discuss it in a PM, but I'm surprissed you guys got a message that Ben had died, from the poem, I on the other got a completelty different message. I think my mind is just f-ked.

[Freya]

I think you know what I seen, but if you must know please PM me, I 'd rather discuss it in a PM, but I'm surprissed you guys got a message that Ben had died, from the poem, I on the other got a completelty different message. I think my mind is just f-ked.

AH EW! EW EWEWEWEWEWWWWW EWWWW KIBA: E-W that is so gross :thud: o-m-g no icky gross ew ewewewewewewewwwwwww gah i feel dirty and gross now, thanks i should go shower..... GAH hahahahha ohhhhh yes hon, your mind is f-caked.... lol.... but ya even the prospect of that is nasty...

sorry guys i havent been writing as much as i used to erm, can... school is getting realy busy and i'm wasting my time with that and other things so writing time is to an all time low... but i have this big independent project coming up for English where i get to write poems and short storys so hopfully i'll be doing good for that.... (i go through writing "spells" where i'll write for a long time, and than kind of let my memories and emotions save up until i feel i have sufficiant data to write.... gah i'm sure that doesnt make sense but ya i just got yelled at for not doing english homework! GRRR I DONT LIKE MY FATHER)

[Freya]

SORRY FOR DOUBLE POSTING! (gah thats twice in one day now) but i couldnt wait to post this.... its a new poem.... and its very.... sensual, if you will, i have an alternate ending (a LONG alternate ending) but i'm not going to post that due to seemingly "graphic" situations... if you really really really just HAVE to read it or else you'll DIE PM me and i'll think about letting you read it (i'd prefer if you were a friend, like if i already know you but whatev, if you make a good first impression maybe i'll give it to you) but ya here it is.... >.< I put it in spoilers just in case like, i'm not supposed to post this???? but idk why i wouldnt be able to, i've posted worse but ya... have fun :D

Poem #19: “Lust”

I cry out in pleasure by your soft tongue,
Boy you know how to please me,
I love you; what you do to me is so fun.
You tickle me, tease me and really start me up.

The clothes are pealed off,
The rooms now a mess,
I grab your hand and put your wrist in a cuff.
“Now it’s my turn little boy.”

It’s my turn to have some fun with you,
Let me fulfill your fantasies,
Let’s make sweet love and try something new,
Let me seduce you and pull you into my soft body.

The squeezing, the touching, the sheer satisfaction of it all,
Swat beads across my bare chest,
I scream in orgasmic pain, this night it’s your name I call.
Lick my long legs; caress my neck with your kisses.

May you come soon to claim your prize,
My far off Love,
I’m yours, not all those other guys’
May our dreams come true…

[Kiba]

SORRY FOR DOUBLE POSTING!
Um it's okay to double post after a certain time I believe, so you can stop apologizing, anyways you'r poem is a pice o' crap, ahahhaha I don't know haven't read it because I have to work.

[Freya]

I don't know haven't read it because I have to work.

than why post? lol but ya hope you had/have fun at work (???)

[Kiba]

than why post? lol but ya hope you had/have fun at work (???)
Same reason you do, and it's work so it's often meh, as for the poem it's good, nicely written, and the rhyme scheme was good, but still the same old A,B,A,B, and you didn't have to put the spoiler tags around the poem, and orgasmic pain wtf? Is that even a term?

[Freya]

Same reason you do, and it's work so it's often meh, as for the poem it's good, nicely written, and the rhyme scheme was good, but still the same old A,B,A,B, and you didn't have to put the spoiler tags around the poem, and orgasmic pain wtf? Is that even a term?

i know, gah idk i just like that rhyme scheme.... as for orgasmic pain, yes i'm pretty sure thats a term.. its like your orgaseming so hard it hurts (or the dudes just SO big, but i supposed thats not orgasem pain, that would be like vanginal pain) but ya ANYWAYS moving on from that subject here are some haiku's...

8/31/05

I am exhausted,
Soreness runs through my body,
Death would feel better (than this)

I hope you get it,
Why can’t you see we are through?
Please, leave me alone…

Oh yeah, shake it girl!
Oh my God! I’m main stream rap!
I shouldn’t go on…
(Comedic, satire? Making fun of how crappy rap is)

ya so i wrote these, as you can see 8/31... the first, i was wicked tired.... the second idk i was just feeling f-ed up and should be ignored... and the third is poking fun at rap (as you can read in the ( )'s below it) but ya... DEFINATLY not the best i've done, but i havent posted em yet so ya....

[Freya]

heres a new poem... i wrote it yesterday morning... i was like half asleep and half awake and i came up with it in my head and tried to write it down but i didnt remember it all so i kind of made it up again... idk enjoy i think its better than those crappy haikus >.< oh and Kiba, its kind of a different rhyme scheme and like idk different orginization :p have fun!

Poem #20: “Leaving”

Your embrace, so warm, so caring,
At this moment I must be daring.

But I am weak and let the tears burst,
Your leaving has got to be the worst.

On your shoulder the tears pitter-patter,
“I’m sorry” I quietly utter,
“Its okay, right now your all that matters,”
You say as you hold me tighter.

“Its time I leave”
My chest begins to heave.

You disappear into the crowd,
My heart wrenches, I want to scream out loud!

“He had to go back home,”
I tell myself over and over,
“He said you’d never be alone”
Than why do I fell like it?

After I watch his plane depart,
From the crowd I quickly depart.

Crying in the safety of my car,
My sweet Love, now gone afar.

My face, now tear-stained,
As I leave the horrible airport,
Without him my feeling drained.
“He’ll be back someday soon.”

[M.Baka]

Sad, horrible depressing, practically made me think.......DAMN i like it

[Freya]

lol well Mr. Baka, its supposed to be more bitter-sweet but i guess it works as sad and depressing too lmao... but what did you like about it?

[Philip]

heres a new poem... i wrote it yesterday morning... i was like half asleep and half awake and i came up with it in my head and tried to write it down but i didnt remember it all so i kind of made it up again... idk enjoy i think its better than those crappy haikus >.< oh and Kiba, its kind of a different rhyme scheme and like idk different orginization :p have fun!

Poem #20: “Leaving”

Your embrace, so warm, so caring,
At this moment I must be daring.

But I am weak and let the tears burst,
Your leaving has got to be the worst.

On your shoulder the tears pitter-patter,
“I’m sorry” I quietly utter,
“Its okay, right now your all that matters,”
You say as you hold me tighter.

“Its time I leave”
My chest begins to heave.

You disappear into the crowd,
My heart wrenches, I want to scream out loud!

“He had to go back home,”
I tell myself over and over,
“He said you’d never be alone”
Than why do I fell like it?

After I watch his plane depart,
From the crowd I quickly depart.

Crying in the safety of my car,
My sweet Love, now gone afar.

My face, now tear-stained,
As I leave the horrible airport,
Without him my feeling drained.
“He’ll be back someday soon.”

Way to go! I love this poem, it's so sad but really good. Great job, keep it up! I liked the ryhme scheme, it was well thought out and it worked really good.

[Freya]

Way to go! I love this poem, it's so sad but really good. Great job, keep it up! I liked the ryhme scheme, it was well thought out and it worked really good.

*throws glitter* yaya i'm so happy! i have another poem that i'm really really excited about and really want to post but i just dont have the time right now so tomorrow i'll edit this post (or just post again becuase i'm a post whore) the poem... i tried something TOTALLY new! like i've read this type of stuff before but never tried it and so i did.... yayayaaya

[Kiba]

Congradulations Freya on the excellent poem you've just written, entitled " Leaving", although some said they found it sad and depressing, but I found it only to be somewhat sad, it seemed to me the poem really had no emotion other than the sad words, but I think that's because it's typed, if I were to listen to you read the poem, the emotion would probably translate better. But in all honesty it is now my favourite poem from you, with the abortion poem being second and " Lust" being third, kudos Freya, and this next poem sounds like it's goin to be a masterpiece, I honestly can't wait.

[Spilled Milk]

OMG beautiful..only thing that bothers me is your rhymed depart with depart...

[Freya]

Congradulations Freya on the excellent poem you've just written, entitled " Leaving", although some said they found it sad and depressing, but I found it only to be somewhat sad, it seemed to me the poem really had no emotion other than the sad words, but I think that's because it's typed, if I were to listen to you read the poem, the emotion would probably translate better. But in all honesty it is now my favourite poem from you, with the abortion poem being second and " Lust" being third, kudos Freya, and this next poem sounds like it's goin to be a masterpiece, I honestly can't wait.

(gah i know SM... i HATE HATE HATTTEEEEE doing that, but i had to.... idk)

ohhhhh thank you so much Kiba *blushes to no end* hahhahaha ya well you'd love to hear me say anything *winks* well heres that new poem, no i dont think its as good as your seemingly making it out to be (kind of like myself) but its good i guess so enjoy and please comment!!!!

Poem #21: “Mother Nature”

From the caterpillar creeping,
To the little fish swimming,
And even the birdies flying.

Included is that willow weeping,
To the suns rays dimming,
And even the flowers dying.

This vast world has so much beauty,
To the flowing waters,
And even the winds blowing.

It all adds to what she is and her duty,
To us, her caregivers; sons and daughters,
And if we do well, it’s her face that’s glowing.

Mother Nature is whom I speak of,
To her we must take care,
And if we don’t we will all be harmed.

If her we abuse, she’ll fly off like the dove,
To the end we must be fair,
And if Mother Nature stays, we shall all be charmed.

(okay i sound like i'm like a tree hugger or like from PETA but i'm not.... i acually dont even really belive in "mother nature" i just felt like writing about nature... and shes kind of included in that catagory :p n_n )

[Philip]

Hey, thats a nice poem, I like the part about the willow and also the part about if we abuse her she'll fly off like a dove, very kool.

[Freya]

lol thanks Philip! yeah i really liked the willow part too! n_n
>.< heres a really emo poem... yeah i make a comment about the most emo line ever ahhh i laugh at my stupid poetry but yeah enjoy!

Poem #22

Why do those we hold so dear,
Have to leave us behind?
Without them, life is driven by fear.

She’s gone and not coming back,
A void is now in my heart,
There’s nothing I can do, that’s a fact.

Why was he never there for me?
What’s changed? Why is he gone?
I wish he was here to bring me glee.

We’re both different, both grown,
The love is gone, we’re empty,
I’m sad and cry alone.
(Most emo line EVER)

No longer are you here for comfort,
The dull pain of not being loved kills
It hurts so much I might jump for it.

The people below won’t mind,
They scream and run out of my way,
My guts are all my family finds.

My family weeping for their little girl,
The funeral is closed casket,
Gone is their Freya*, a Pearl.

Her body cold, her cheeks pale,
Her golden hair will never shine again,
Because she thought all she did was fail.

So she took her own life,
She jumped for the window,
She was so sick of the knife.

She only wanted to feel love,
And for her parents to stop worrying,
Hopefully she’s looking down from above…

*yeah i changed it from my first name (it was my nick name) and my middle name... my nick name means "A Pearl" just to clarify!

[Spilled Milk]

but but...her parents will only worry more now....thats kind of a silly reason...I really like this poem but you're right it is abit emo...I dunno Suicide is always an interesting subject...but it always bothers me when the reason is like... "oh well I'm just a burden" cuz in reality...killing yourself is only gonna make you more of a burden...

[Freya]

yeah i know... but i kind of wrote it in relation to another poem and a story i wrote... heres the poem, which i acually read to the friend i wrote it for... >.< she was touched by it... and i kind of laughed a little and said "well i was pissed at you when i wrote and and still am kind of" and she was like "well i'm glad to know your thinking about me.. thats why i was touched" yeah we're kind of weird, our friendship is and has been for the past few months very very rocky so yeah...

Poem #23: “My friend”

Best friends forever, right?
I thought that maybe I was wrong,
Now all we do is cuss and fight,
When we used to laugh and giggle.

She what’s different? You are.
I am. We’ve both changed.
You’ve saddened me by lowering your bar,
You seem to have lost your precious standards.

You’re getting hurt by bad boys,
You don’t want to talk or listen,
Life isn’t a game; you’re not their toy,
You won’t say no, even though you want to.

Why? What’s going through your head?
You’re a totally new person… I want you back,
If you keep going, you’ll be spiritually dead,
Can’t you be happy-go-lucky again?

Now you seem almost stuck-up,
Maybe you don’t want me anymore,
Or to drink from our friendship cup,
Please Erin, change back soon.

[M.Baka]

like it, hope you two are okay now.

[Freya]

like it, hope you two are okay now.
lol nope, still kind of working it out... i still have no clue in hell what i want to do and she... idk what she wants... i frankly, at this point could care less, but yeah i also wrote this in relation to her... its not really about her moreso she provoked it, but yeah idk i'm just weird, oh and its not a poem so i'm sorry but yeah

“What Am I?”

Am I really who they say I am? Am I truly nice? Can I really help people? Do I make them smile or cry? They politely thank me for advice I offer, and they take it or leave it. Deep down, do I really do it for them, or am I just seeking to please my selfish soul with the praises of man? Knowing that I’ve positively impacted another human life fills me with unimaginable joy… so why question that? Has god blessed me with this gift, or is it a selfish curse from my flesh? Inside, under the smiles and laughter, I’m an evil abomination. Only seeking that which I take pleasure in, and not caring for others. So why the struggle? Why the charade? Why not be what I truly am? One has called me beautiful… but really, I’m just another Quasimodo, inside and out. My features are plain and simplistic, I’m loud and don’t know when to shut up, I say the wrong things at the worst of times, and I’m quite lanky. I don’t deserve to be loved. I hurt more than I help (seemingly). I’m a suck-up to my elders and teachers and feel out of place where ever I go. GAH! SEE HOW SELFISH I AM