A poem

[Freya]

Meh what the Hell. My three favourite poems would be "Leaving", "Lust", and "Abortion". I also really liked "Ben", "Feelings", and "Fantasy".

okay thanks! But which one was leaving? like was that the name? cause I did a word search on the document I have everything listed in (its like 72 pages long... i dont have time to look through them all) and it didn't find one called leaving... and I dont think I ever entered Ben into the computer, but I really should >.>

Anywho, heres one I wrote last night... I just felt worthless, although somewhat happy because like that day or the day before, some guy called me beautiful at the mall n_n he was like old enough to be my dad but he was like "omg that girl is beautiful!" it was cute n_n

"Cute as a bugs ear"

Stupidity runs ramped,
It's everywhere.
In everything,
Minds are so dull and dampened.

My mind is nothing but shapes,
Nothing but color,
Nothing but random,
Like loose heroes with their capes.

I am as pathetic as a flightless bird,
I'm just a big, dumb animal,
Burying its head ignorantly in the sand.
My whole existence is absurd!

I am a pointless living thing,
I learn nothing,
I do nothing.
I'm about as useful as teeth with bling.
(Proving I truly serve no purpose)

Screaming innocence,
Claiming cleverness,
Practicing stupidity,
Speaking arrogance.

Who am I serving?
Who am I helping?
Who am I uplifting?
No one, I feel like hurling.

I am doing nothing,
Serving no on.
Why not stay stick and die?
Because, there's gotta be something...


yeah a crappy poem, i dont fully understand its meaning or what its trying to say or why I wrote it... i just felt like writing >.>

[Kiba]

okay thanks! But which one was leaving? like was that the name? cause I did a word search on the document I have everything listed in (its like 72 pages long... i dont have time to look through them all) and it didn't find one called leaving... and I dont think I ever entered Ben into the computer, but I really should
Yeah it's title's called "Leaving". I believe it's back on page four or five of this thread.

[Freya]

Yeah it's title's called "Leaving". I believe it's back on page four or five of this thread.

okay sweet, I found it (turns out I never put it onto my computer >.>) but yeah I found it and did :p

anyways what do you think of the new poem?

EDIT:

heres a link to the rules of that poetry contest: http://www.triton.edu/cgi-bin/r.cgi/department_detail.html?SESSION=PYooYMpeS2&ContentID=926

The poems I was thinking of entering was:
Poem#14 "Stars" (under the creation cat)
Poem #19 "Lust" (under desire of course... and I think I'd enter that whole poem, cause I didn't post that whole one, I thought it was kind of unappropriate so idk)
"Mother Nature" (under creation)
Poem #25 "Him" (under possibly desire, or destiny... idk which one. This was the poem with the really complex rhyme scheme)
"Eating me alive" (idk which one this one would fit under, if any)
"My breath" (destiny possibly?)
"Stay tonight... and make everything alright" (under desire)
Poem #18 "The story of the blind man" (under destiny maybe)
and yeah that was it, or maybe, for either creation or destiny some of my better haiku's (philip really liked this one about winter so idk I have to look through those, cause all poetry is accepted in this contest)

[Neo-Hunter]

well i say that the peom's you posted should win i really liked them, and no problem helping you out because that is what friends are for!

[Freya]

well i say that the peom's you posted should win i really liked them, and no problem helping you out because that is what friends are for!

yeah idk, i'm still debating as to which ones I want to enter... I still have time though, I don't have to send them in until march, and who knows, maybe i'll come out with some kick ass stuff by then n_n

[MirMir]

Wow that is really good. It is depressing as well. I got the whole son and father part. The mom tho..... uh....any ways. I liked it!

[Freya]

Wow that is really good. It is depressing as well. I got the whole son and father part. The mom tho..... uh....any ways. I liked it!


wait... which poem are you talking about? The most recent one? that wasn't about a mom/dad/family.... could you quote the poem you're talking about with comments please so I can keep track of what we're talking about? Thanks bunches!!!! (otherwise, my stupid head gets confused lmao!) but i'm so honored and glad that you're reading my poems n_n and thanks for saying it was good! *hugs*

[Neon]

You have been busy.

What is next?

CULtr

[MirMir]

Oh sorry I was commenting on poem #8. The boy, I believe it was called. Very good!

[Freya]

Oh sorry I was commenting on poem #8. The boy, I believe it was called. Very good!

ohhh thank you! I really liked that one too... maybe I should enter that in the poetry competition under destiny?

Updated list for possible entries:

Poem#14 "Stars" (under the creation cat)
Poem #19 "Lust" (under desire of course... and I think I'd enter that whole poem, cause I didn't post that whole one, I thought it was kind of unappropriate so idk)
"Mother Nature" (under creation)
Poem #25 "Him" (under possibly desire, or destiny... idk which one. This was the poem with the really complex rhyme scheme)
"Eating me alive" (idk which one this one would fit under, if any)
"My breath" (destiny possibly?)
"Stay tonight... and make everything alright" (under desire)
Poem #18 "The story of the blind man" (under destiny maybe)
Poem #8: "The Boy"

[Kiba]

"Cute as a bugs ear"

Stupidity runs ramped,
It's everywhere.
In everything,
Minds are so dull and dampened.

My mind is nothing but shapes,
Nothing but color,
Nothing but random,
Like loose heroes with their capes.

I am as pathetic as a flightless bird,
I'm just a big, dumb animal,
Burying its head ignorantly in the sand.
My whole existence is absurd!

I am a pointless living thing,
I learn nothing,
I do nothing.
I'm about as useful as teeth with bling.
(Proving I truly serve no purpose)

Screaming innocence,
Claiming cleverness,
Practicing stupidity,
Speaking arrogance.

Who am I serving?
Who am I helping?
Who am I uplifting?
No one, I feel like hurling.

I am doing nothing,
Serving no on.
Why not stay stick and die?
Because, there's gotta be something...

Um maybe the meaning of the poem you were trying to get across was that you felt worthless and stupid, no? What does the title have to do with the poem? This poem wasn't appealing to me very much, I find it to be another example of teen angst something that I'm often put off by. But your poem did have flow and had some really good metaphor. You should do away with the first verse since it doesn't follow the rest of the poem. You start out saying society is dumb and then quickly jump to yourself and it continues on that way for the remainder of the poem. If the first verse is going to work then the poem should jump between you and society or be about society all together.

[Freya]

Um maybe the meaning of the poem you were trying to get across was that you felt worthless and stupid, no? What does the title have to do with the poem? This poem wasn't appealing to me very much, I find it to be another example of teen angst something that I'm often put off by. But your poem did have flow and had some really good metaphor. You should do away with the first verse since it doesn't follow the rest of the poem. You start out saying society is dumb and then quickly jump to yourself and it continues on that way for the remainder of the poem. If the first verse is going to work then the poem should jump between you and society or be about society all together.


idk I think the first verse establishes where my stupidity is coming from. And yes, its about how I hate myself and how dumb I am and how worhtless I am.
:art: <--- me, drawing a happy me n_n;
idk about you, but I personally loved the verse about teeth with bling, becuase really, those are POINTLESS. Hey I thought you once said you liked teen angst poetry... well, if you don't lmao why read mine??? :D

And I wanted a random title. I choose "Cute as a bugs ear" because idk thats something that like grandparents or parents say to their kids, and that phrase has been said to me >.> and idk I wanted the poem to be opposite it so you could see my point of view after hearing that saying... liek what I believe to be the truth, and that what people say ("your as cute as a bugs ear") isn't true at all (least not in my eyes)

[Kiba]

idk I think the first verse establishes where my stupidity is coming from. And yes, its about how I hate myself and how dumb I am and how worhtless I am.
:art: <--- me, drawing a happy me n_n;
idk about you, but I personally loved the verse about teeth with bling, becuase really, those are POINTLESS. Hey I thought you once said you liked teen angst poetry... well, if you don't lmao why read mine??? :D
Because not all of them are and even if it's about teen angst I'm sure there's something within the poem I'll like.

[Freya]

Because not all of them are and even if it's about teen angst I'm sure there's something within the poem I'll like.

well thank you n_n


To everyone who reads me:

I don't know when I'll have new poems up, school is seriously killing me. Right now I'm putting all my effort into that... also, I've taken to writing short stories (once again) and those seem to come easier sometimes... so if you like what I write, you may want to check out my short stoires thread. Otherwise idk when i'll have new shi-er stuff up mmk? Thanks again for reading, I love you all and a big hug goes out to all who comment! I appreciate it SO much!!!!!!!! (I just feel totally drained of my ummm poeticness???? so yeah idk if or when i'll have new stuff, it could be tomorrow, it could be like three weeks from now. But I just thought I should let ya'll know, because I really don't know when I'll write)

~Freya~

[Miaka Lee]

well thank you n_n


To everyone who reads me:

I don't know when I'll have new poems up, school is seriously killing me. Right now I'm putting all my effort into that... also, I've taken to writing short stories (once again) and those seem to come easier sometimes... so if you like what I write, you may want to check out my short stoires thread. Otherwise idk when i'll have new shi-er stuff up mmk? Thanks again for reading, I love you all and a big hug goes out to all who comment! I appreciate it SO much!!!!!!!! (I just feel totally drained of my ummm poeticness???? so yeah idk if or when i'll have new stuff, it could be tomorrow, it could be like three weeks from now. But I just thought I should let ya'll know, because I really don't know when I'll write)

~Freya~
You’re torn three ways: school-poems-stories
Dum Dum Dum<---dramatic music
We already know you'll pick school but that leaves one more option
Dum Dum Dum<---more music
Will it be stories or will you choose poems
GASP!:eek:<---your fans

Anyways I don’t mind less poems and more stories because their really good.

[Freya]

Anyways I don’t mind less poems and more stories because their really good.


Thank you! I think that was one of the nicest things I've heard all day... gets me *sniffle* all teary-eyed! (LMAO totally kidding) but it was uber sweet of you and I do thank you very much for the complement n_n

[Neo-Hunter]

So I think that maybe when thanksgiving recess hits, you should post more poems. I will do the same later today. cheers!

[Freya]

So I think that maybe when thanksgiving recess hits, you should post more poems. I will do the same later today. cheers!

yeah idk I'm just like stressed and busy right now and don't ever feel like writing (I feel like sleeping and snowboarding) so theres really like nothing I can pull from ya know? I just feel kinda spread out, but its getting better. Winter break is coming soon, and so is vacation (my family one) so yeah it'll be all lax for a week which I know will help lots n_n but yeah I should start writing again

[Philip]

A little off subject, but you snowboard? I LOVE to snowboard! do you have a board? I got one last year and it RoX. But anywayz, ya, I know what you mean about the lack of inspiration, that's why I turned to Christmas themes, lol. Oh well.

[Freya]

A little off subject, but you snowboard? I LOVE to snowboard! do you have a board? I got one last year and it RoX. But anywayz, ya, I know what you mean about the lack of inspiration, that's why I turned to Christmas themes, lol. Oh well.


christmas themes... thats a good idea... I might have to try to steal that from you! :D (just kidding) but I don't know, my brains been bubbling out some ideas but I just don't have time to sit down and write them (my lifes under a tad bit o' stress right now... but it's clearing up.... hopfully)

[Freya]

hey I found some kind of old poems--they're a few weeks ole--so here it is: (along with two I wrote like yesterday)

“Untitled Poem #42”

The blankets no longer hold the warmth,
That was there with you and your care.
I feel like everything’s cold in your absence,
My bones, my life, my house, even the air.

Sleep is impossible
My eyes hurt from all the tears they’ve shed.
I feel nothing, not even the knife against my arm.
My soul is shattered, I should be dead.

I hate you!
I hate what you’ve done to me!
You left me for another man.
Am I that repulsive? Can that truly be?

I feel like there’s nothing I can do,
But write crappy emo poetry,
Please, get out of my head!
Just leave, go away from me.


#43 “Rhythm and Rhyme”

I go through this all the time,
Where I loose my rhythm and rhyme.

It’s really maddening
And really saddening.

When I try to be creative and write,
And all I do is twist my hair and nails I bite.

I just want to have fun
By writing my mind,
I’ll write ‘till I’m done,
My rhythm and rhyme I need to find!




I wrote those both on 11/14

[Kiba]

“Untitled Poem #42”

The blankets no longer hold the warmth,
That was there with you and your care.
I feel like everything’s cold in your absence,
My bones, my life, my house, even the air.

Sleep is impossible
My eyes hurt from all the tears they’ve shed.
I feel nothing, not even the knife against my arm.
My soul is shattered, I should be dead.

I hate you!
I hate what you’ve done to me!
You left me for another man.
Am I that repulsive? Can that truly be?

I feel like there’s nothing I can do,
But write crappy emo poetry,
Please, get out of my head!
Just leave, go away from me.

*Is confused*, yeah this certainly is an emo poem, it has a nice rhyme and flow but that's really all. It's just another poem about your inner conflict and how you want to die to stop it all or something along those lines, it doesn't even try to be creative which ultimately makes it rather blah.


#43 “Rhythm and Rhyme”

I go through this all the time,
Where I loose my rhythm and rhyme.

It’s really maddening
And really saddening.

When I try to be creative and write,
And all I do is twist my hair and nails I bite.

I just want to have fun
By writing my mind,
I’ll write ‘till I’m done,
My rhythm and rhyme I need to find!
Um are you sure you haven't posted this already because it sounds awfully familiar. Anyways the poem is a bit creative, has nice flow and rhyme, it's antoher one of your simple and sweet poems that I enjoy reading from time to time.

[Freya]

*Is confused*, yeah this certainly is an emo poem, it has a nice rhyme and flow but that's really all. It's just another poem about your inner conflict and how you want to die to stop it all or something along those lines, it doesn't even try to be creative which ultimately makes it rather blah.



Um are you sure you haven't posted this already because it sounds awfully familiar. Anyways the poem is a bit creative, has nice flow and rhyme, it's antoher one of your simple and sweet poems that I enjoy reading from time to time.


no I just reuse my ideas. :moron:

[Neo-Hunter]

That untitled poem 42 was good, it seemed ok i sense the hatred in the poem and your angest.

[Freya]

*Is confused*, yeah this certainly is an emo poem, it has a nice rhyme and flow but that's really all. It's just another poem about your inner conflict and how you want to die to stop it all or something along those lines, it doesn't even try to be creative which ultimately makes it rather blah.

its not so much that I want to die in it, but just be left alone. And I have this hatred in me for some reason (and people, no ones ever left me for another man, I was just feeling odd that night so I made the poem odd) and its bout how possibly "ugly" I seemed to the person who left me... yeah its just kind of random, it really doesn't apply to my life at all its just.... weird O.o

[lompton x]

I've read most of the thread (skipped a few of the middle pages(Sorry))and good work overall. Though I don't aggree with some sentiments, the delivery was brilliant enough that I didn't particularly care.



BTW: Kaito says hi

[Freya]

I've read most of the thread (skipped a few of the middle pages(Sorry))and good work overall. Though I don't aggree with some sentiments, the delivery was brilliant enough that I didn't particularly care.



BTW: Kaito says hi

thank you... wow, even skipping pages you must have read a lot... but thank you for the comment!!!! and yeah he usually says hi to me tahnks for telling me though n_n

[Freya]

YAYAYAYAYAYAY my first poem in like a month or something! anywho, I wrote it last night becuase I couldn't sleep due to a horrible, horrible nightmare. (yeah I woke up crying and was like "holy crap, scariest dream ever") here tis:

"Brother"

Lost in a moment
Ripped from my life
once so full of smiles
Sorrow stabbed like a knife.

You fell from the inside
your body tumbled and rolled
you were struck
You died.

Slamming the breaks
Screeching to a halt
Bolting to your side
Who’s going to take the fault?

Your body bruised and broken
Twisted and mangled on the street
All because you were jokin'
Never again shall your heart beat.

Wailing out in pain
I've lost a brother
all I do is scream your name
Your bleeding, your dead.

I'm angry "Why God?"
My teeth I gnash
"Why did you take him.
In that horrible car crash?"

He's gone.
His smile, his voice,
His laughter, his smarts.
I guess it was God's choice.

Your legs were shattered,
Your arms broken,
Your eyes glazed over
On your own blood you were chokin'


This isn't real,
It's just a dream!
Than why do I feel
these emotions so strongly?

I saw it happen
it was so vivid
It was bright as day
What more can I say?

Your blood spurted
I felt the hot tears,
I heard my words blurted
And felt the worst of my fears.

But I know you okay,
Sleeping in the next room
So sleep soundly brother
May you awake to another day.



I had a dream that my oldest brother fell out of the car and was run over by my parents car... it was a really bad dream and yeah some of you are probably laughing but meh I don't care. I'm close to my brother and I'd miss him if he left me.... not the best poem but its what came out after like a month of not writing so yeahhhhh have fun! Comments are wanted lol

[Spilled Milk]

alot of your poems read more like song lyrics I think...

[Kiba]

YAYAYAYAYAYAY my first poem in like a month or something! anywho, I wrote it last night becuase I couldn't sleep due to a horrible, horrible nightmare. (yeah I woke up crying and was like "holy crap, scariest dream ever") here tis:

"Brother"

Lost in a moment
Ripped from my life
Once so full of smiles
Sorrow stabbed like a knife.

You fell from the inside
Your body tumbled and rolled
You were struck
You died.

Slamming the breaks
Screeching to a hault
Bolting to your side
Who's going to take the fault?

Your body brused and broken
Twisted and mangled on the street
All becasue you were jokin'
Never again shall your heart beat.

Wailing out in pain
I've lost a brother
All I do is scream your name
Your bleeding, your dead.

I'm angry "Why God?"
My teeth I gnash
"Why did you take him.
In that horrible car crash?"

He's gone.
His smile, his voice,
His laughter, his smarts.
I guess it was God's choice.

Your legs were shattered,
Your arms broekn,
Your eyes glazed over
On your own blood you were chokin'

This isn't real,
It's just a dream!
Than why do I feel
These emotions so strongly?

I saw it happen
It was so vivid
It was bright as day
What more can I say?

Your blood spurted
I felt the hot tears,
I heard my words blurted
And felt the worst of my fears.

But I know you okay,
Sleeping in the next room
So sleep soudly brother
May you awake to another day.
Couldn't you atleats lay off the emo a little, eek! Anyways, you're poem is written quite well, I think the emotion could've been portrayed better, if you had layed off some of the grittier stuff, and good choice of words as always.


I had a dream that my oldest brother fell out of the car and was run over by my parents car... it was a really bad dream and yeah some of you are probably laughing but meh I don't care. I'm close to my brother and I'd miss him if he left me.... not the best poem but its what came out after like a month of not writing so yeahhhhh have fun! Comments are wanted lol
You're right I did laugh, sorry for being insensitive but I thought it was funny.


alot of your poems read more like song lyrics I think...
I don't know about her old ones, but this one certainly read that way.

[Freya]

Couldn't you atleats lay off the emo a little, eek! Anyways, you're poem is written quite well, I think the emotion could've been portrayed better, if you had layed off some of the grittier stuff, and good choice of words as always.



You're right I did laugh, sorry for being insensitive but I thought it was funny.



I don't know about her old ones, but this one certainly read that way.

really? It reads like a song? hmmm idk I suppose. No seriously though it was like the most horrible dream and I couldnt' sleep after it so I had to write this to get it out of my head. Kiba what do you mean "grittier" stuff? like waht was gritty about this poem? I kind of wanted it to be semi graphic but idk it didn't come off as that I believe but yes thanks for reading guys!

[Neo-Hunter]

I liked this one the anguish is their.

[Spilled Milk]

i had a dream that I was vomitting magots and flies...it was gross..<3
write a poem about it for me!! <3 lol XD

[Kiba]

really? It reads like a song? hmmm idk I suppose. No seriously though it was like the most horrible dream and I couldnt' sleep after it so I had to write this to get it out of my head. Kiba what do you mean "grittier" stuff? like waht was gritty about this poem? I kind of wanted it to be semi graphic but idk it didn't come off as that I believe but yes thanks for reading guys!
Exactly graphic, I just thought some of it was pointlessly graphic, and would've probably have been better at depicting the poems emotion had it not been so graphic. Your poem was more focused on what was happening where as it maybe should have been more focused on your feeling of what was happening.

i had a dream that I was vomitting magots and flies...it was gross..<3
write a poem about it for me!! <3 lol XD
You have such disgusting tastes.

[Freya]

Exactly graphic, I just thought some of it was pointlessly graphic, and would've probably have been better at depicting the poems emotion had it not been so graphic. Your poem was more focused on what was happening where as it maybe should have been more focused on your feeling of what was happening.


You have such disgusting tastes.

Thats how I wanted it though. I wanted to show and depict what was happening because to me, it was very graphic and very troubling-for lack of a better word. I didn't want to show what I was feeling, but more so what was going on.

My names spilled milk,
I don't eat enough
so I consume things like:
bugs, maggots and filth.

Later on I puke them up,
becasue my little tummy can't hold them
My face goes white, its so nasty
grosser than my brothers cup (???? I needed to rhyme with up sorry)

I don't know how to eat proper foods,
so I goarge on bugs, blood and dirt
my poor tummy has yet to like them
it goes into all sorts of moods.

It turns and growls
It bubbles and gurgles
It yells at me. I don't treat it properly.
I can feel the barf in my jowls (oh gosh I hope thats the part I think it is)



ummmmmm yeah I'm done. I came up with that on the spot so enjoy its crappiness (you didn't think I'd do it did you? lmao well I did daughter) anywho, its better than the acid spewing aliens *laughs* sorry idk I found that one funny

[aoi_n_asul]

wonderfully nasty...:smiletode i like the wordplay in it. fun, fast and rhyming...
is it goarge??or gorge??? :moron:

[Freya]

wonderfully nasty...:smiletode i like the wordplay in it. fun, fast and rhyming...
is it goarge??or gorge??? :moron:

ahahahhaahhaha i'm sure its gorge, idk I just suck at spelling and AA's spell checker hasn't been working for a while, but thank you for the comment.

This has given me an idea for a game but idk how popular it would be.... I'm going to play with it a little more before I act on it. Thank you again for the comment though, its much apprciated!

[Sakito]

I dont know if it is ok to post this here but this is something that i wrote, i was thinking about alot of things when i wrote it but here it is

Love is like a rain drop it comes when it is needed and leaves when it is unwanted.......................
A raindrop makes a puddle grow just like a loved one makes someones heart grow to love them.................

[Freya]

yeah this time is okay.... ummm what is it? Like I mean I guess its semi thought provoking but what kind of poem or something is it? Its okay, I think it would be better if it was like expanded and brought into an actual poem but its a good beginning :) *hugs Sakito* nice having ya around here again :)

[aoi_n_asul]

I dont know if it is ok to post this here but this is something that i wrote, i was thinking about alot of things when i wrote it but here it is

Love is like a rain drop it comes when it is needed and leaves when it is unwanted.......................
A raindrop makes a puddle grow just like a loved one makes someones heart grow to love them.................

in itself it can stand alone. it's great. how bout turning it into a haiku??

[Freya]

in itself it can stand alone. it's great. how bout turning it into a haiku??

that would be better, a haiku. Gah I can't believe I didn't think of that! Try that LS, see if it works :)

[Sakito]

in itself it can stand alone. it's great. how bout turning it into a haiku??
Sure i can do that, also about your sig i can upgrade it if you want just pm me because i have gotten better, this is lostshadow i have just changed my name

[Kiba]

Thats how I wanted it though. I wanted to show and depict what was happening because to me, it was very graphic and very troubling-for lack of a better word. I didn't want to show what I was feeling, but more so what was going on.

My names spilled milk,
I don't eat enough
so I consume things like:
bugs, maggots and filth.

Later on I puke them up,
becasue my little tummy can't hold them
My face goes white, its so nasty
grosser than my brothers cup (???? I needed to rhyme with up sorry)

I don't know how to eat proper foods,
so I goarge on bugs, blood and dirt
my poor tummy has yet to like them
it goes into all sorts of moods.

It turns and growls
It bubbles and gurgles
It yells at me. I don't treat it properly.
I can feel the barf in my jowels (oh gosh I hope thats the part I think it is)
I dislike rhyme whores. Anywho the poem portrays Spilled Milk very accurately [/joke]. Yeah this poem is bad, it could've had potential if you sat down and thought about it and made it more humerous.

this is lostshadow i have just changed my name
Did you change you're name so Trem wouldn't be able to find you and point out your idiocies anymore?

[lompton x]

My names spilled milk,
I don't eat enough
so I consume things like:
bugs, maggots and filth.

Later on I puke them up,
becasue my little tummy can't hold them
My face goes white, its so nasty
grosser than my brothers cup (???? I needed to rhyme with up sorry)

I don't know how to eat proper foods,
so I goarge on bugs, blood and dirt
my poor tummy has yet to like them
it goes into all sorts of moods.

It turns and growls
It bubbles and gurgles
It yells at me. I don't treat it properly.
I can feel the barf in my jowels (oh gosh I hope thats the part I think it is)


Freaking hilarious, very well done, you're pretty good at the emo but I think your even better at the comedy poems

[Kiba]

Freaking hilarious, very well done, you're pretty good at the emo but I think your even better at the comedy poems
Don't encourage her to make more unfunny crap like that, encourage her to make poems worth reading.

[Freya]

Don't encourage her to make more unfunny crap like that, encourage her to make poems worth reading.

yeah personally I know its just worthless crap but I would maybe like to be given ideas and try to write about them (but place more thought into it) idk I think it would be fun. So if anyone wants a poem about something, post the idea and I'll try my best!

[Kiba]

yeah personally I know its just worthless crap but I would maybe like to be given ideas and try to write about them (but place more thought into it) idk I think it would be fun. So if anyone wants a poem about something, post the idea and I'll try my best!
I know how about a poem telling everybody how emo you are, I'd surely read that.

[Freya]

I know how about a poem telling everybody how emo you are, I'd surely read that.

No, how about I write one about how emo YOU are?

Different topic/subject please! (I would really like to try this actually to see if I can do it)

[Kiba]

No, how about I write one about how emo YOU are?
Yes because, you know I dye my hair black and wear eyeliner, and all those stories I tell you about were I sit in the corner of my room with the lights out crying and slitting my wrists all while listening to Yellowcard?
Different topic/subject please! (I would really like to try this actually to see if I can do it)
Try your hand at a poem about Christmas, jeez it's really not that hard to come up with different subjects to wright about other than your brother and your emoness.

[punkusa20_2001]

Say it in that old christmas poem kind of tone.

Late one night on christmas eve
chill in the air like ice up a sleeve
as kiba quickly gave a shout
and freya was scared as to what about
"Your Emo," he cried with a frown,
"Your always writing about being down".
"How bout you spread some christmas cheer?"
"We could use some here, we could use some there."
Then Freya cried out "I know not what you talk about,"
"I have done my time, I have emo clout."
"Ill write what I wish, this one thing is true."
Then Kiba slowly thought,
"But then your christmas will be blue"
"Cheer cant be bought,"
"Happy is the best thing to be,"
"And during christmas, it all comes for free"
____________________________________

Merry christmas all you poets out there, whether grand or gross I pass you a toast, may your meals be hearty and your suffering hardly, during this fine christmas may you make it out alive.........happy 2005

[Neo-Hunter]

mmm, Maggots and flys it goes great with 6 week old Fishbowl soup.

[Philip]

Wow Freya,
that is really a powerful disturbing poem, makes you think about the fragile, temporary state of our lives, you know? Sorry bout the nightmare, I hate those kinds. Luckely I don't get them much though.
Well done though!
"Brother"

Lost in a moment
Ripped from my life
Once so full of smiles
Sorrow stabbed like a knife.

YHou fell from the inside
Your body tumbled and rolled
You were struck
You died.

Slamming the breaks
Screeching to a hault
Bolting to your side
Who;s goign to tak the fault?

Your body brused and broken
Twisted and mangled on the street
All becasue you were jokin'
Never again shall your heart beat.

Wailing out in pain
I've lost a brother
All I do is scream your name
Your bleeding, your dead.

I'm angry "Why God?"
My teeth I gnash
"Why did you take him.
In that horrible car crash?"

He's gone.
His smile, his voice,
His laughter, his smarts.
I guess it was God's choice.

Your legs were shattered,
Your amrs broekn,
Your eyes glazed over
On your own blood you were chokin'

This isn't real,
It's just a dream!
Than why do I feel
These emotions so strongly?

I saw it happen
It was so vivid
It was bright as day
What more can I say?

Your blood spurted
I felt the hot tears,
I heard my words blurted
And felt the worst of my fears.

But I know you okay,
Sleeping in the next room
So sleep soudly brother
May you awake to another day.

[Freya]

Hahahahaha thanks Philip! Yeah those dreams really do suck :p

CY you're so random!

Punkusa lmao thank you for that hilarous poem!

Kiba I shall try my best at a Christmas poem, its just that I fear its going to sound like all the other crappy christmas poems/songs out there... chirstmas seems to generic right now but I'll try when I get the chance n_n

thank you all though for your comments!

[punkusa20_2001]

you bring it away from being generic when you make it your own. Freya never base what you write on what is cool, or not, or popular, or even "played out". Write just to write. In my opinion dark poems are being really "poppy" now adays, thats why when i write a poem I keep adding words to my "dont write these" list because they have been abused. Then if I really need it for meter or ryhme, I will ask my self am I just using it because its easy or because it works here. Words like sorrow, pain, morose

[lompton x]

So if anyone wants a poem about something, post the idea and I'll try my best!
how about a poem about a hentai were-cat.
that would be hilalarious and I could really use something like that.

[Freya]

you bring it away from being generic when you make it your own. Freya never base what you write on what is cool, or not, or popular, or even "played out". Write just to write. In my opinion dark poems are being really "poppy" now adays, thats why when i write a poem I keep adding words to my "dont write these" list because they have been abused. Then if I really need it for meter or ryhme, I will ask my self am I just using it because its easy or because it works here. Words like sorrow, pain, morose


I write what I want and write what I feel... idk if what I feel is generic or "poppy" than so be it (lotsa people feel the same way) but idk I like to write things that also speek ME. That people-who know me-can say "Oh yeah, Freya wrote this" or something idk... I just like to write so I write what comes to mind.

Lompton, by hentai do you mean like perverted or like porn star ware-cat? I can try, I know it could be fun.... lmao

[lompton x]

perverted

[Freya]

okey! I'll try to work on that tonight! (maybe I'll have it done by tomorrow but I'm not making any promises) If I do write anything though, I'll be sure to post what I have (lmao unless it sucks!!! hahhaaha)

[Freya]

Okay Lompton x, heres your poem about a pervert were-cat (its a boy)

“The Lonely Hentai Were-cat”
For Lompton x

Human by day,
Cat by night
This has forever been my plight.

I wish it was otherwise,
Of at least turned around
But only broken hopes abound.

If only by night I could be human,
I could sex up the ladies
As this horrible kitty I only get “maybes”

Come on girls! Let me pounce on you!
If only they were into beastiality
But on one has that low morality.

I hate being a were-cat
I wish to be a real boy!
*distracted* Hey sweetie, wanna be my sex toy?

Maybe if I get her drunk,
Get her totally pissed,
She might grace me with one little kiss.

Pet this kitty,
Let me grab some tushie
Or at least a look at your beautiful pu$$y.

Listen to my cry’s girls!
Meow! I die for attention!
I’m single, did I mention?

I’m so cute, so cuddly
So soft and fuzzy…
Oh, you have a boyfriend? Does she? *points*

Come on, tease me
Please me, love me
Just don’t leave me!
MEOW!

[Kiba]

And I half expected this poem to be crap. Actually it wasn't too bad, certainly not one of my favourites but not the worst either. I like seeing your humerous side.

[Freya]

And I half expected this poem to be crap. Actually it wasn't too bad, certainly not one of my favourites but not the worst either. I like seeing your humerous side.

I like it too n_n it was a joy to write and I'd love to do it again for someone....

SO GIVE ME AN IDEA! or tell me something you (meaning anyone) would like to hear about and I'd be happy to write

[The Geomancer]

how 'bout a one with this theme:
"the nameless, wandering swordsman."

[Freya]

how 'bout a one with this theme:
"the nameless, wandering swordsman."


May I make that the title?

I'll work on it tonight :)

Thanks for the idea!

[Dimesion 12]

Even though I only read the first 3 poems on the first page, I was really impressed. I can't believe I talk to you all the time and you NEVER told me you had writing talent. I can't do poetry very well. If you keep it up, you could get known at some point in time for your poetry. You really know how to put it all together.

[Freya]

Even though I only read the first 3 poems on the first page, I was really impressed. I can't believe I talk to you all the time and you NEVER told me you had writing talent. I can't do poetry very well. If you keep it up, you could get known at some point in time for your poetry. You really know how to put it all together.

*blushes* wow thank you D12, thats very kind of you to say.

Geomancer, I wrote your peom, its not very good and I think it reads more like a song or something but here it is (I changed it from swordsman to Samuri, I hope you don't mind):

"The empty forest
His empty cradle
The large sack
On his strong back.

He knows no fame
Nor his own name
He is the wandering Samurai.

The sheathed sword,
The morgues he's filled
His feet keep trekking
As his eyes around are checking.

He knows no mother
nor any other
He is the wandering Samurai.

He sleeps in the rain
Even in the snow,
He's filled with shame
Has he family? He doesn't know.

He wandered the outdoors
until his heart beat no more.
He was the wandering Samurai."

Also, a while ago Lostshadow (as I met him) wanted me to turn this into a haiku for him: this Love is like a rain drop it comes when it is needed and leaves when it is unwanted.......................
A raindrop makes a puddle grow just like a loved one makes someones heart grow to love them.................

so these are the two I came up with (they aren't very good, sorry LS)

Love falling like rain,
Like the puddles grow, love grows.
My heart grows towards you.

Water makes puddles
They grow, like my love for you,
Love softens the heart.


yeah they kinda suck sorry LS!

Anyways I hope you all enjoyed this new peom hahahahaha thanks again for the comment D12, *hugs*

[Sakito]

For those of you who do not know I was formerly LS or Lost Shadow.
Freya the work that you do is incredable, I see no reason on why you think that sucks at any rate it is great, I say that things are great alot but you know they really are. Thank you Freya and I love the work that you have also done on the poem makes sense and makes me feel like i am reading myself {except for his killings}

Also before i end this post This just came to mind.

Storms cause floods,
It moves and sways,
Like my love for you.

now if anything sucks Freya it is my work. ^!^



~Sakito~

[Kiba]

"The empty forest
His empty cradle
The large sack
On his strong back.

He knows no fame
Nor his own name
He is the wandering Samurai.

The sheathed sword,
The morgues he's filled
His feet keep trekking
As his eyes around are checking.

He knows no mother
nor any other
He is the wandering Samurai.

He sleeps in the rain
Even in the snow,
He's filled with shame
Has he family? He doesn't know.

He wandered the outdoors
until his heart beat no more.
He was the wandering Samurai."

Meh that poem was okay, it needs more effort and thought and maybe a little reasearch on Ronins would have helped a little too. And if you're using samurai your poem should've had a more Japanese feel to it, such as a bamboo forrest or something.

[Spilled Milk]

It was cute...I agree with Kiba though you should do alil research on ronins I think it could be really good :)

(OMG I posted on your thread..I don't do that enough anymore sry!!)

[The Geomancer]

I must say that I enjoyed it very much. and adding the samurai aspect made it even better, my compliments...

I look forward to any works you do in the future.

EDIT: I agree with Mr. Kiba about his second suggestion.

[Freya]

Meh that poem was okay, it needs more effort and thought and maybe a little reasearch on Ronins would have helped a little too. And if you're using samurai your poem should've had a more Japanese feel to it, such as a bamboo forrest or something.


*bows* yes great suggestion, I should research more into that... I always though samurai poetry would be fun but I've steared away from it simply because I know nothing of them >.> so I should do that! And thank you for the comment, I probably could have sat down and really put my mind to it (this is a first draft for anyone who cares to know) so I'm sure it could be better

For those of you who do not know I was formerly LS or Lost Shadow.
Freya the work that you do is incredable, I see no reason on why you think that sucks at any rate it is great, I say that things are great alot but you know they really are. Thank you Freya and I love the work that you have also done on the poem makes sense and makes me feel like i am reading myself {except for his killings}

Also before i end this post This just came to mind.

Storms cause floods,
It moves and sways,
Like my love for you.

now if anything sucks Freya it is my work. ^!^

Actually Sakito (gah its so weird writing your new name) that was a wonderful little poem thing, add a few more syllabls and it could be a really good haiku!!!! Thank you for the kind words.

And SM, you should post more here! hahahaha although, I should do the same for you too :p

[lompton x]

Okay Lompton x, heres your poem about a pervert were-cat (its a boy)

“The Lonely Hentai Were-cat”
For Lompton x

Human by day,
Cat by night
This has forever been my plight.

I wish it was otherwise,
Of at least turned around
But only broken hopes abound.

If only by night I could be human,
I could sex up the ladies
As this horrible kitty I only get “maybes”

Come on girls! Let me pounce on you!
If only they were into beastiality
But on one has that low morality.

I hate being a were-cat
I wish to be a real boy!
*distracted* Hey sweetie, wanna be my sex toy?

Maybe if I get her drunk,
Get her totally pissed,
She might grace me with one little kiss.

Pet this kitty,
Let me grab some tushie
Or at least a look at your beautiful pu$$y.

Listen to my cry’s girls!
Meow! I die for attention!
I’m single, did I mention?

I’m so cute, so cuddly
So soft and fuzzy…
Oh, you have a boyfriend? Does she? *points*

Come on, tease me
Please me, love me
Just don’t leave me!
MEOW!

thank you I love it

[ultimus]

i have a haiku

the rekoning waits
george bush is sent us to hell
why do we follow

[Freya]

i have a haiku

The rekoning waits
George Bush has sent us to hell,
Why do we follow?


Has, and not is would sound better... I revamped it a tiny bit with some capitalization and I changed "is" to "has" because yeah its correct gramatically. Anyways it was... ummm cleverly political :)

[Freya]

Here's my new poem!

“First Kiss”

Love, love, boundless and free,
Isn’t it great between you and me?
Shall it last forever and ever?
Or be it never?

Let us embrace, take my hand
As our feet run through the sand,
The quest ocean singing to us
As the sun beings to hush.

Sitting, watching the moon rise
Wanting to never exchange goodbyes
Our bodies close, your arms around me
Leave your side? May it never be!

We walk hand in hand,
Our perfect day unfolded as planned.
With the moon high and the stars bliss
You lean in and give me our first kiss.


I wrote it during church, enjoy! Comments would be much loved!

[Sakito]

I always enjoy reading your work, this one was most likely my most favorite.
It has alot of meaning in it and it expresses who you really are.


~Sakito~

[Freya]

I always enjoy reading your work, this one was most likely my most favorite.
It has alot of meaning in it and it expresses who you really are.


~Sakito~


lmao a hopeless virgin kisser? Yup, thats me! hahahahaha.... ehhh *uncomfortable sigh*

But thank you for the kind words, I'm glad to know you enjoyed it!

[Kiba]

Here's my new poem!

“First Kiss”

Love, love, boundless and free,
Isn’t it great between you and me?
Shall it last forever and ever?
Or be it never?

Let us embrace, take my hand
As our feet run through the sand,
The quest ocean singing to us
As the sun beings to hush.

Sitting, watching the moon rise
Wanting to never exchange goodbyes
Our bodies close, your arms around me
Leave your side? May it never be!

We walk hand in hand,
Our perfect day unfolded as planned.
With the moon high and the stars bliss
You lean in and give me our first kiss.


I wrote it during church, enjoy! Comments would be much loved!
Aahaha I remeber on Saturday over the phone you said this was possibly one of your best poems in awhile and I completely agree with you, despite its simplistic nature, its just a fun poem to read. Although is kind of romanticly cheesey but meh.

[Freya]

Aahaha I remeber on Saturday over the phone you said this was possibly one of your best poems in awhile and I completely agree with you, despite its simplistic nature, its just a fun poem to read. Although is kind of romanticly cheesey but meh.

thats the FUN part of it though, its SOOO cheesy!

So okay, I started my history class last night, boring as hell. Its like two hours long and really dumb but required. Anyways I wrote a REALLY REALLY dumb song during it so yeah here it is: (just to let people know, its my first actual try at a song so bare with me)

"The School Song"
Chorus:
School, school it's so cool!
Learning bout the Alphabet
School, school don't be a fool
Pay attention an learn from it!

Oh, those kids that bring guns,
ARE STUPID!
Oh, those kids that cut themselves
Don't have any fun...
cause it's all about:

School, school it's so cool!
Learning bout the Alphabet
School, school don't be a fool
Pay attention an learn from it!

There are Jocks and players
THEY'RE STUPID!
And the girls who whore themselves
And who forgets the kids with the shirts of Slayer?
Don't they know its all about:

School, school it's so cool!
Learning bout the Alphabet
School, school don't be a fool
Pay attention an learn from it!



Yeah its painfully stupid but it makes me smile for that reason... anyways ummm enjoy and tell me what you think of my really DUMB school song :p

[Akimichi Choji]

Thats the dumbest-funniest ass song I have ever read. When you said "girls who whore themselves" brilliantly funny.

[Sakito]

Originally Posted by Sakito
I always enjoy reading your work, this one was most likely my most favorite.
It has alot of meaning in it and it expresses who you really are.


~Sakito~

Freya

lmao a hopeless virgin kisser? Yup, thats me! hahahahaha.... ehhh *uncomfortable sigh*

But thank you for the kind words, I'm glad to know you enjoyed it!

I didnt mean that you were a bad kisser or somthing I dont know that but umm man see what I did.


~Blink Blink~
Anyway about your song here
Umm what over came you when you did this just wondering,^ ^ but you know what your right it does kinda make you smile when you are really bored or something, I am gonna give you an honest answer on this one. It was ok not great like your other work but ok becasue it had one thing wrong the word school, right now that is the last thing that I want to see but I love your work and you are great at doing what you do.


~Sakito~

[Akimichi Choji]

Freya, your probably a far better writer then I am. But I want you to challenge yourself to do something. You may have posted a different kind of poem before but I may have missed it. As one poet to another I think you should try writing a poem without rhyming. I may get like, hate-bashed but all your works rhyme so simply, its good, but rhyme is just one of many facets of poetry. Sometimes it seems you can only make a little bit of sense, to fit a rhyme in there. If you have already made a poem like this, please tell me for I would LOVE to read it. Please don't take this as an offense because I absolutely love your work.

[Freya]

Freya, your probably a far better writer then I am. But I want you to challenge yourself to do something. You may have posted a different kind of poem before but I may have missed it. As one poet to another I think you should try writing a poem without rhyming. I may get like, hate-bashed but all your works rhyme so simply, its good, but rhyme is just one of many facets of poetry. Sometimes it seems you can only make a little bit of sense, to fit a rhyme in there. If you have already made a poem like this, please tell me for I would LOVE to read it. Please don't take this as an offense because I absolutely love your work.

idk I might have one... I'll look for you. You are right though, I do only rhyme in poems but thats becuase its easier than keeping track of syllabls (sp?????) Plus I still consider myself a beginer poet, I only started writing poetry like in 04 or something and I've only written like 50 poems or something. I think my like first two "poems" don't rhyme, which might be on some of the first pages of this thread.

Right now I'm feeling like idk just like I don't have time to write or insparation so yeah I only am writing out of bordem right now so thats why its not that great Sakito, thank you though for your honesty, I apprciated it a lot n_n

Akimichi Choji, if you have an idea that you think would suit me well (assuming you know what I enjoy writing about) I'll try to write a poem with out rhyming (when I have time lmao right now I should be doing the stacks of homework I have) Otherwise I'll try to come up with an idea myself but idk if that'll happen :S

Anyways, thank you both for your comments (and yes, I loved the "girls whoring themselves" line too :D )

[Akimichi Choji]

Well ideas can be so simple, from household objects, to a rainy sunday, to a great war. I would give you an idea but its more of a path you need to make for yourself(wow I'm acting like philosophical moron). And please don't think I'm knocking your work, because I love your work. I've just been a poet for more then a few years now, despite my young age, and know that staying on one facet of poetry can really waste someone's talent. To become a well-rounded poet, one must experience all versions of this writing style. To somewhat give you a little bit of a topic, try taking the most simple thing you can find, and break it down. Then work from there. The reason I'm doing this is that I don't want to see your talent wasted. Once you are more experience in different kinds of poetry I suggest you gather your works, and send them to a poetry magazine. I did it and the response to them will show you just what youv'e mastered, and what you need to work on. Good luck and I hope to one day see a poem book of yours on the shelves.

[Freya]

Well ideas can be so simple, from household objects, to a rainy sunday, to a great war. I would give you an idea but its more of a path you need to make for yourself(wow I'm acting like philosophical moron). And please don't think I'm knocking your work, because I love your work. I've just been a poet for more then a few years now, despite my young age, and know that staying on one facet of poetry can really waste someone's talent. To become a well-rounded poet, one must experience all versions of this writing style. To somewhat give you a little bit of a topic, try taking the most simple thing you can find, and break it down. Then work from there. The reason I'm doing this is that I don't want to see your talent wasted. Once you are more experience in different kinds of poetry I suggest you gather your works, and send them to a poetry magazine. I did it and the response to them will show you just what youv'e mastered, and what you need to work on. Good luck and I hope to one day see a poem book of yours on the shelves.

haha wow thank you very much :bowing: Today I actually wrote a poem without rhyming whoo-hoo!!!! I just like kept track of the syllables! (I was actually making crappy emo backgrounds and I came up with two poems :p) so yes, here they are the second one is the one without rhyme:

“Faceless”

The faces, Oh the faces!
Blending into the crowds
Traveling to and from places
Places all around.

They are shadows
Shadows in this unhappy land
Passing through the days,
Passing through the years

They are the nameless.
They are the haunted.
They are the unhappy.
They are the faceless.

Some have seen,
Some have heard,
The faceless
Not one has returned.

They are shadows
Shadows in this unhappy land
Passing through the days,
Passing through the years

They are the nameless.
They are the haunted.
They are the unhappy.
They are the faceless.

Leaving behind them a trail of malice,
Silently scorning those around,
They are the faceless; bold and callus.
They are the ones never found.

They are the ones never found…


“Help me break free”

These chains bind me down,
They hold me captive,
Help me out of here!
Give me my freedom.

You’ve taken me away,
You left me all alone
I fended for myself
I just wanted a friend.

Help me break free!
Drag me away,
Push or pull me
Do anything.

You never came,
You never helped me out
I never escaped.
I never broke free.

If you like, these are the two backgrounds I made today (there really REALLY crappy and pretty dumb/emo but I had fun making them and thats the whole point, right? RIGHT!?!?!?!?!)

Faceless (http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y181/Kitty_Girl_named_Freya/facelessbackgrounddone.jpg)

Help (http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y181/Kitty_Girl_named_Freya/Helpmebreakfreepoem.jpg)

YEAHHHHHH pretty bad n_n; heh heh....... but tell me what you think of the poems please!

[Akimichi Choji]

Absolutely wonderful, amazing even. Very good verbage(coinage yay) going on. I really cant think of any critiques. The only thing I can say is try to make the lines longer, even combining two lines is good. Only reason is say that is because I loved help so much, I wanted to read more lol. Anywho great job, really REALLY great. Emo backround kicked ass too.

[Freya]

Absolutely wonderful, amazing even. Very good verbage(coinage yay) going on. I really cant think of any critiques. The only thing I can say is try to make the lines longer, even combining two lines is good. Only reason is say that is because I loved help so much, I wanted to read more lol. Anywho great job, really REALLY great. Emo backround kicked ass too.

hahaah thank you very much, lmao I'm glad someone liked the backgrounds :p I'll hopefully have more poetry soon!

[aznvampgirl]

Diction. Cadence. Meter.

These learn well, your elemental essenses.

Consonance, alliteration, onomotapaeia.

Poetry suggests sounds, invokes emotion thereby.

Emo, goth, angst.

Avoid with dire strife; fear found poems; forgot free verse.

In other words, this is little better than myspace fare, failing to invoke suggestive imagery, inovative devices, or reader reaction.

[Freya]

Diction. Cadence. Meter.

These learn well, your elemental essenses.

Consonance, alliteration, onomotapaeia.

Poetry suggests sounds, invokes emotion thereby.

Emo, goth, angst.

Avoid with dire strife; fear found poems; forgot free verse.

In other words, this is little better than myspace fare, failing to invoke suggestive imagery, inovative devices, or reader reaction.

Well, I am emo so theres no avoiding that *waits for showers of laughter and flames* but if you're saying I suck (??? which is what I'm getting from the "a little better than myspace" comment) just say it lmao don't try to be clever about it I really don't care. I appreciate the rest of your suggetion about what I should try or learn or master... but know that I'm still a begining poet lol so yeah I still am working on those things and other forums of poetry (kinda... like haiku's or for instance the poem I just wrote that didn't rhyme.) Anyways, ummm so are you saying you like or dislike my poetry? O.o j/w thanks again though for the suggestions n_n

[aznvampgirl]

My suggestions are nothing you couldn't get from an intro to creative writing class.

Poetry does certain things. It plays with rhyme and meter. It carefully choses diction; expertly economizing.

You must read aloud your poems. You must sample sounds. You must crack and beat and kick rhythm.

Poetry is violently visceral, augustly audible, interestingly visual.

In other words, I'd really read a lot of poetry and see what makes it work. It's not easy to create, as my probably bad attempts show. I'm just really tired of seeing this glut of decadent poetry perpetuated and punctuated by pointless parasites. Lacking literary language.

Now this... (http://www.eecs.harvard.edu/~keith/poems/tyger.html) this I like.

[Freya]

My suggestions are nothing you couldn't get from an intro to creative writing class.

Poetry does certain things. It plays with rhyme and meter. It carefully choses diction; expertly economizing.

You must read aloud your poems. You must sample sounds. You must crack and beat and kick rhythm.

Poetry is violently visceral, augustly audible, interestingly visual.

In other words, I'd really read a lot of poetry and see what makes it work. It's not easy to create, as my probably bad attempts show. I'm just really tired of seeing this glut of decadent poetry perpetuated and punctuated by pointless parasites. Lacking literary language.

Now this... (http://www.eecs.harvard.edu/~keith/poems/tyger.html) this I like.

AHAHAHAHAAHHA AWESOME!!! I just bought the complete works of William Blake! AHAHAHAHAAHAHA!

Anyways, I know poetry is a lot of work, thats why ususally the ones I acutally take my time with and don't just whip up out of no where are better :p but yeah idk I've always taken formal writing courses (except in 8th grade, that was more creative writing) and idk I never like really read much poetry before I started writing it... I just kind of said one day "I'm going to write a poem" and I liked it. I don't really care if its like GREAT poetry that I write, I just have fun writing it, thats all.

[Akimichi Choji]

My suggestions are nothing you couldn't get from an intro to creative writing class.

Poetry does certain things. It plays with rhyme and meter. It carefully choses diction; expertly economizing.

You must read aloud your poems. You must sample sounds. You must crack and beat and kick rhythm.

Poetry is violently visceral, augustly audible, interestingly visual.

In other words, I'd really read a lot of poetry and see what makes it work. It's not easy to create, as my probably bad attempts show. I'm just really tired of seeing this glut of decadent poetry perpetuated and punctuated by pointless parasites. Lacking literary language.

Now this... (http://www.eecs.harvard.edu/~keith/poems/tyger.html) this I like.

A first year writing class can't teach you ???? if you don't learn how to form the knowledge into a poem expressing individuality. A poem is an expression of thoughts, not literary language. Rhythm, assonance, alliteration, metaphors, similes(etc) are our tools to use, they don't need to bein or can be found in every poem. I hate seeing someone who appears to like poetry saying one must learn how to write a poem, for it to be good. And if your knocking Freya's work with your glut of decadence statement, you truly don't know what good poetry is.

[Freya]

A first year writing class can't teach you ???? if you don't learn how to form the knowledge into a poem expressing individuality. A poem is an expression of thoughts, not literary language. Rhythm, assonance, alliteration, metaphors, similes(etc) are our tools to use, they don't need to bein or can be found in every poem. I hate seeing someone who appears to like poetry saying one must learn how to write a poem, for it to be good. And if your knocking Freya's work with your glut of decadence statement, you truly don't know what good poetry is.


Wow okay well umm lets be friends and not get this closed up for poor Freya mmk n_n; Anyways thank you for standing up for me Akimichi Choji, I appreciate it but yeah she was just stating what she thinks good poetry is (or what she enjoys seeing in poetry) and well, I don't write as perfectly as she wishes so she was only saying what she would like to see from me. Anyways I'll hopefully have some new poems up soonish. Thanks again for your nice comment *hug*

[Kiba]

"The School Song"
Chorus:
School, school it's so cool!
Learning bout the Alphabet
School, school don't be a fool
Pay attention an learn from it!

Oh, those kids that bring guns,
ARE STUPID!
Oh, those kids that cut themselves
Don't have any fun...
cause it's all about:

School, school it's so cool!
Learning bout the Alphabet
School, school don't be a fool
Pay attention an learn from it!

There are Jocks and players
THEY'RE STUPID!
And the girls who whore themselves
And who forgets the kids with the shirts of Slayer?
Don't they know its all about:

School, school it's so cool!
Learning bout the Alphabet
School, school don't be a fool
Pay attention an learn from it!

Well seeing as how I'm too cool for school fool, I really don't agree with your philosophy that school is cool. The song is rather funny and dumb though, but rather stereotypical of a public highschool wouldn't you say?

[Freya]

Well seeing as how I'm too cool for school fool, I really don't agree with your philosophy that school is cool. The song is rather funny and dumb though, but rather stereotypical of a public highschool wouldn't you say?

Oh totally, and I don't even GO to a highschool! Anyways I mean yeah its gonna be dumb, I wrote it in history class :S idk I basically just wrote it to laugh at the sheer stupidity of it.

[Philip]

A first year writing class can't teach you ???? if you don't learn how to form the knowledge into a poem expressing individuality. A poem is an expression of thoughts, not literary language. Rhythm, assonance, alliteration, metaphors, similes(etc) are our tools to use, they don't need to bein or can be found in every poem. I hate seeing someone who appears to like poetry saying one must learn how to write a poem, for it to be good. And if your knocking Freya's work with your glut of decadence statement, you truly don't know what good poetry is.

I agree, even though poetry has an order about it, it should sound like it comes from the soul, not a textbook.
Also, I liked your free form poem Freya, very kewl, I'm not that great at writing things that don't ryhme, lol. It never comes out the way I want it to.
Good job though, :tup:

[Neo-Hunter]

I really liked the last two poems, of course its been a while since i posted, but yours were excellent.

[Ashuri]

i think that your poem is really great. though i am not much of a writer, i think that you set that up very nicely. also i think that your poem is touching, how the mom is trying her best for her son, and yet he still calls for his dad even though he is not there. keep up the good work.

[Kiba]

haha wow thank you very much :bowing: Today I actually wrote a poem without rhyming whoo-hoo!!!! I just like kept track of the syllables! (I was actually making crappy emo backgrounds and I came up with two poems :p) so yes, here they are the second one is the one without rhyme.
Ah yeah congratulations on writing something that's easier than counting to three.

“Faceless”

The faces, Oh the faces!
Blending into the crowds
Traveling to and from places
Places all around.

They are shadows
Shadows in this unhappy land
Passing through the days,
Passing through the years

They are the nameless.
They are the haunted.
They are the unhappy.
They are the faceless.

Some have seen,
Some have heard,
The faceless
Not one has returned.

They are shadows
Shadows in this unhappy land
Passing through the days,
Passing through the years

They are the nameless.
They are the haunted.
They are the unhappy.
They are the faceless.

Leaving behind them a trail of malice,
Silently scorning those around,
They are the faceless; bold and callus.
They are the ones never found.


They are the ones never found…
Meh only an emo kid would think that way.


"Help me break free”

These chains bind me down,
They hold me captive,
Help me out of here!
Give me my freedom.

You’ve taken me away,
You left me all alone
I fended for myself
I just wanted a friend.

Help me break free!
Drag me away,
Push or pull me
Do anything.

You never came,
You never helped me out
I never escaped.
I never broke free.
Tis okay, nothing special.

If you like, these are the two backgrounds I made today (there really REALLY crappy and pretty dumb/emo but I had fun making them and thats the whole point, right? RIGHT!?!?!?!?!)
The back gorunds are pretty, but oh so emo, so they suck.

[Freya]

Ah yeah congratulations on writing something that's easier than counting to three.


Meh only an emo kid would think that way.



Tis okay, nothing special.


The back gorunds are pretty, but oh so emo, so they suck.


congrats on being a retard *rolls eyes*

Anyways, yeah idk the poems were pretty easy and I didn't like polish them or really work on them, they just sorta came and went (idk I never polish any of my stuff) Yeah the BGs' are emo, but lol funny...

Thank you all for your kind words and Philip, the free form stuff is really easy if you count your syllabls (sorry I suck at spelling) out. Try it again, you'll get it!!! :)

Just ta let all my "readers" (lmao) know, I might be like banned from forums (dumb parents flipping out) so yeahhhhhhhhhh I could still go on from like school, but school only lasts so long ya know? So just thought I'd give you all a heads up in case I dissapear one day :p sorry, love ya'll and all the advice you've given, you've really helped me improve!


EDIT:

I'm venting hahahahahaha

"I brused my neck
I slit my wrists
And all for what?
All for nothing.

I am emo,
I cry,
And for what?
All for nothing...

I hate you,
I love you
And for what?
They say its nothing

I wish to leave
I want to run
And for what?
For you.

I'm so stupid,
I can't choose
I can't choose....

Confusion runs rampid
Tears fall faster and faster
Life begins to fade
Whats happened to me? I'm a disaster..."


wow, now I feel like an emo assface O.o oh well yeah you guys really don't have to critiqe that at all :p

[Sakito]

That will really suck if you do disapear.:( The poem of yours is one of the very first that I have read about you putting the facts of killing yourself in it.
Although it does not apeal to me it is still done very well.



~Sakito~

[Kiba]

congrats on being a retard *rolls eyes*
Ah jeez, the last time someone called me retarded the only possible thing I could do was slit my wrists.


I'm venting hahahahahaha

"I brused my neck
I slit my wrists
And all for what?
All for nothing.

I am emo,
I cry,
And for what?
All for nothing...

I hate you,
I love you
And for what?
They say its nothing

I wish to leave
I want to run
And for what?
For you.

I'm so stupid,
I can't choose
I can't choose....

Confusion runs rampid
Tears fall faster and faster
Life begins to fade
Whats happened to me? I'm a disaster..."
Someone isn't a happy camper today so I'll ease up on the criticism. It's an okay poem; yeah you went a little overboard on the emo, but a few of the verses I really liked.

[Freya]

That will really suck if you do disapear.:( The poem of yours is one of the very first that I have read about you putting the facts of killing yourself in it.
Although it does not apeal to me it is still done very well.



~Sakito~


lmao I don't think so, its just an emo poem about me wanting to die :XD: *ish emo emo emoooooooooo*

Ahhh well.

Yes, well I haven't been a happy camper since like oh gee last night.... probably won't get better for a while. Yes, I probably am dissapearing from teh forums because my parents are fricking pricks. PRICKS I TELL YOU! Anywho what verses did you like? Yeah most were really gay so it suprised me you acutally liked some. tootles!

[Freya]

Here's a new story I wrote, I think its like unfinished, just because it ends pretty fast but enjoy!


The laughter, the jokes, the friends. The steering, the screeching, the stopping, does it end here? The blackness.

I remember waking up, barely, I felt groggy, it was horrible. It felt like I was moving, I remember a woman looking down on me with a worried face. She said something to me but I couldn’t hear her, I couldn’t hear anything. She looked away and said something to the man on the other side of the moving bed. My feet hit something, a door perhaps? Bright lights shone down on me, they practially blinded me. Doctors with masks frantically scurried about. I could feel them removing my clothes. Ah! Those lights! I just wanted them to shut off those damn lights, I can feel my eyes rolling around, trying to get away from them, than my hearing returned. There was beeping, lots of beeping sounds, metal was clacking and crashing. Numerous people we’re talking at times, I couldn’t’ understand them. It was all so confusing until the pain settled. Io guess I didn’t notice it before, I was too focused on the stupid lights, or that worried nurse… it felt like I had been hit by a bus. My chest was sore all over, my breasts felt like someone has tried to pus them back in. I couldn’t feel my legs, we’re they even there? I really didn’t know nor did I care.

I was a little more awake at this point, though still not fully conscious. I felt the tinging pain as they japed a needled in my arm. Blood, why are they giving me blood? I tired to lift my head to see what was going on, but a nurse quickly grabbed my head and kept it down. “Don’t move! Don’t’ look! You’ll be fine! Don’t try to move!” she kept saying it over and over again. I know it was pointless, I was going to die, I could tell by the look on her face; it was worse than the worried woman’s. I wanted to scream at them so they’d shut off those lights or at least make the beeping stop. Something cracked and this time I did scream. The pain was unbearable, they cracked my chest open. I felt like a dead cow carcass hanging by large meat hooks, on display for everyone to see. The beeping become more intense, the nurses and doctor’s picked up their pace, as though they could.

…and than… it stopped. The beeping went away. At that moment I felt as though nothing could have been better. I felt so peaceful! The worried woman came back into view; it looked like she was screaming at me. What was she saying? Seeing her made me happy though, her face was much better to look at than those damn lights. Time passed, the nurse left, the beeping had stopped and now the lights dimmed and we’re shut off. I was so happy. It was dark and deathly quiet… I felt so much better.

[Akimichi Choji]

Wow, that story was great. It resembles a modern day JD Salinger. I really loved it. I think the ending was great, but the beginning was even better. It did end a little too quickly, but its no where near as much of an issue as you think. Excellent job.

[Sakito]

lmao I don't think so, its just an emo poem about me wanting to die :XD: *ish emo emo emoooooooooo*

Ahhh well.

Yes, well I haven't been a happy camper since like oh gee last night.... probably won't get better for a while. Yes, I probably am dissapearing from teh forums because my parents are fricking pricks. PRICKS I TELL YOU! Anywho what verses did you like? Yeah most were really gay so it suprised me you acutally liked some. tootles!

You asked me what my favorite verse was of this poem that you wrote, here they are, I hate you,
I love you
And for what?
They say its nothing

I wish to leave
I want to run
And for what?
For you.
Those words reminded me of myself from a while back, in the end it didnt matter what happened acording to her. Any way this isnt about me, just curious why are they banning you from the forums your parents that is.


~Sakito~

[Freya]

Wow, that story was great. It resembles a modern day JD Salinger. I really loved it. I think the ending was great, but the beginning was even better. It did end a little too quickly, but its no where near as much of an issue as you think. Excellent job.


muha thank you, I have another story in some other story thread that is really REALLY long, and I'm still like working on it but like no one has read it really >.> so I've stopped posting it... you might like that one too, its like funny and dramatic and full of twists and turns and I've got great ideas for it hehehehe


Actually Sakito, everythings okay now!! WHOOHOOO!!! I can staaaaayyyy I can stayyyyyy *dances* yeahhhhh

[Freya]

Hey, I wrote a new short story, and I personally really like it. It's really twisted, sexual and dark kinda. It turns you all around (I think anyways) but yeah idk, I don't feel comfortable acutally like posting it here, for fear of warning, so I put it up on fictionpress


Comment here and tell me whatcha think n_n

(this is like what I write while I'm bored during history :p )

EDIT:

I took my story down, if you really wanna read it, PM me or something.

[Sakito]

I have one serious question were do you get this crazy ideas from, that story was F****** up. That fat old man trying to get some and then a handsome man as you called him kills her what is with that, I thought it might have been a good ending, but with you I guess I was wrong :D . Do me a big favor right a story that is along the same lines meaning like the sex but when two people mean it, I know you have a great imagination and I know you can make it great, but you were right read at your own will and to tell you the truth I dont want to read it again, things that make you go buhhg.


~Sakito~

[Spilled Milk]

I want to see your emo bakcgrounds but they aren't working..*cries*

[Pachinko]

I really like the "Faceless" one. It's quite theatrical & inspiring. ^^ You've got skills.

[Freya]

I have one serious question were do you get this crazy ideas from, that story was F****** up. That fat old man trying to get some and then a handsome man as you called him kills her what is with that, I thought it might have been a good ending, but with you I guess I was wrong :D . Do me a big favor right a story that is along the same lines meaning like the sex but when two people mean it, I know you have a great imagination and I know you can make it great, but you were right read at your own will and to tell you the truth I dont want to read it again, things that make you go buhhg.


~Sakito~

yeah well I wanted to abuse her, I wanted to kill her and make her suffer for no explained or aparent reason, just as I was suffering through History! hahahahah wow I'm cruel. yeah idk I'll try sometime n_n thanks for the request though, I know it'll get me writing!

Thank you for the comment about "faceless" I too enjoyed that one.

Daughter, the BG's don't work cause I deleted them from my photobucket but here, I put them (and others) back up JUST FOR YOU! so here they is (along with some pics I've been messing around with of myself):

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y181/Kitty_Girl_named_Freya/rosecoloredglassesface.jpg

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y181/Kitty_Girl_named_Freya/megreytears.jpg

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y181/Kitty_Girl_named_Freya/Emerge.jpg

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y181/Kitty_Girl_named_Freya/backgroundbreakfreewhitebigger.jpg

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y181/Kitty_Girl_named_Freya/emergebackground.jpg

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y181/Kitty_Girl_named_Freya/facelessbackgrounddonebigger.jpg

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y181/Kitty_Girl_named_Freya/Helpmebreakfreepoem2.jpg

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y181/Kitty_Girl_named_Freya/SamIambackground.jpg

There you are daughter!!!! *huggles*

[Freya]

SAKITO!!!! I HAVE YOUR STORY!

You wanted it sweet and to mean something right? Well here ya are! I still kept da sex in there like you wanted, but it actually MEANS something now.... its like about two high school sweethearts and stuff.

http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=2101553

[Sakito]

There you go, I loved that so much. That was perfect in my eyes, the way the two of them just wanted to make love to each other. I wish that I could find a girl as easy as he had done, life is full of surprises, any way thanks and you did a great job.

~Sakito~

[Freya]

There you go, I loved that so much. That was perfect in my eyes, the way the two of them just wanted to make love to each other. I wish that I could find a girl as easy as he had done, life is full of surprises, any way thanks and you did a great job.

~Sakito~


Well, the whole point is, not that tehy just wanted sex, but that they truly loved each other and were finally, after a year, ready for sex. idk I wanted a cute background too, like the shoes? Oh I just thought that was adorable, and so idk guyish? anyways, I'm happy you enjoyed it!

EDIT:

If anyone is interested, I took and put all my poems into one large document and posted it on Fictionpress, heres the URL http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=2101811 so if you want to read, read but I know some of you have read a lot already. Oldest are at the top, newest at the bottom and I'll try to update it when I have the chance. It's not in exact order I think, but it's pretty close. Enjoy :)

[Freya]

My first poem in a loooonnnggg time: (er what feels like a long time)

"Sweat" (don't know what else to call it)

Cold sweat,
Beading on my head.
Fear's are met,
I'll be dead (or "I wish I was dead")

The monsters in the walls,
the squeaking, the scratching.
My eyes bulging,
My teeth gnashing.

Make it stop!
Go away!
Yelling as my knees drop,
on the floor, my eyes wet.

"Leave" said softly,
Weeping for an end.
Moving stops, eyes droop
My heart begins to mend.



yeah idk its kind of weird >.> I wrote it during history tonight, this all evolved from me writing "Sweat.... SWEET!" at the top of my paper hahahahaha.

[Sakito]

You are good when it comes to calling weither or not something is weird or not, this one was kinda weird but this compares no were to what you have done before. It was good, it had its highs and lows but I enjoyed it.



~Sakito~

[Freya]

Thank you.

I wrote this to my dying great Uncle... it's a remeberance of the night I went and saw him (last friday) he's still alive but not as responsive as he was before.

“The Visit to Uncle Pete”

Moonlight, that peaceful moon,
Shining happily,
Yet I look with no feeling,
Dreading your doom.

Tears streaming down,
Uncontrolled.
“Please don’t go!”
Your death unfolds.

I looked at you
And you at me,
I had to turn away.
Through my tears I couldn’t see.

You’re little happy face,
Now stricken with sadness
As we stare silently
My heart begins to race

You squeezed my hand,
You tried to talk,
You tried so hard.
My throat was dry like sand.

My hand begun to slip
But you held firm
With a tight grip
I held fast.

You turned away crying,
Still holding on,
As if to say “I’m scared,
Don’t leave me dying.”

I don’t want to!
I’ll stay with you!
You’ll be okay…
You’ll be okay.

I couldn’t smile
My eyes struck to (on) your face.
You joined my sobbing chorus
As our tears raced.
I tried to smile,
But I only cried
I don’t want to leave
Through the (our) sobbing, my chest heaves.

Holding your hand
I watched you cry
Before we exchanged
Our final goodbye.

I’ll see you again,
Someday soon,
Perhaps one day
Beneath the moon.



That was really, really hard.

Could someone tell me what a sonnet is? Like what it's composed of? I know its like 14 (or was it 17?) lines but I forgot how many beats your supposed to have for each line. If the info could be provided, it would be awesome!

[Sakito]

That has to be very hard on you, to right something like that. Knowing when someone is going to go all you want to do is turn away so you dont see ther pain but at the same time you want to be there at their side to comfort thim until the end, I loved the poem it hurts, I know. And sorry I dont know anything about the sonnet thing,
Life is full of untold storys, the way you lay the story out depends on your path. In such this is what I mean."Life is just a story, is your story going to be the way that you want it?" I made that myself, and if you think about it, this is very true.


~Sakito~

[Freya]

This one I wrote during church, it has its good verses and it's bad ones. Tell me whatcha think (oh and thats fine you don't know about the sonnet stuff :p but thank you, I apprciate your concern for him)

“The Little Schoolgirl”

Her eyes sparkle
Like the sun on snow,
Her face: adorable.
Her name is Jo.

Her hair glistened
Her voice pure
When she spoke the boy’s listened.
She’s a poison with no cure.

She’s such a fake
She screams superficial
Girls wishing to drown her
Put her body in Sun Lake.

Her body might be perfect,
Her pocketbook full,
But when I think of her,
My hair I want to pull!

She killed my brother,
Smashed his heart,
She deserves to die
By her own poisonous dart

Boy’s fall for her
Left and right
They don’t know what they’re getting
Death will be their plight
(Their death will be her delight.) <--- possible last verse variation.

She says she’s sexy
But no, she’s cheesy
Playing hard-to-get
When she’s really easy.

May you burn in hell,
Jo dearest,
I will kill you,
After the ringing of the bell.

[Ashuri]

I really like the poem. I can feel how much you hate Jo. Also you did a good job with describing Jo's character.

[Sakito]

The poem itself was ok, Now the character that is telling you all of this seems to be jealous of Jo, she is taking out her problems on this girl that gets it all, in a way Jo has the perfect life but you dont really know what Jo feels.
Great poem by the way


~Sakito~

[Kiba]

Sonnets are a 14-line verse form usually having one of several conventional rhyme schemes.The sonnet can be thematically divided into two sections: the first presents the theme, raises an issue or doubt, and the second part answers the question, resolves the problem, or drives home the poem's point. This change in the poem is called the turn and helps move forward the emotional action of the poem quickly, as fourteen lines can become too short too fast.

Most sonnets are one of two kinds:Italian (Petrarchan)- this sonnet is split into two parts, an octave and a sestet. The octave is composed of two envelope quatrains rhyming "abba abba" (Italian octave). The sestet's rhyme pattern varies, though it is most often either "cde cde" (Italian sestet) or "cdc dcd" (Sicilian sestet). The turn occurs at the end of the octave and is developed and closed in the sestet. Over the years, the Italian sonnet has been the most favored type of sonnet.

English (Shakespearian)- this contains 3 Sicilian quatrains and one heroic couplet at the end, with an "abab cdcd efef gg" rhyme scheme. The turn comes at or near line 13, making the ending couplet quick and dramatic. Not many modern writers have taken to writing the Shakesperean sonnet.

Well that might be a little confusing so i'll give you an example of both the Italian and English sonnets.

Italian Sonnet:
The Poet at Seven
And on the porch, across the upturned chair,
The boy would spread a dingy counterpane
Against the length and majesty of the rain,
And on all fours crawl under it like a bear
To lick his wounds in secret, in his lair;
And afterwards, in the windy yard again,
One hand cocked back, release his paper plane
Frail as a mayfly to the faithless air.
And summer evenings he would whirl around
Faster and faster till the drunken ground
Rose up to meet him; sometimes he would squat
Among the bent weeds of the vacant lot,
Waiting for dusk and someone dear to come
And whip him down the street, but gently home.

English Sonnet:
when what hugs stopping earth than silent is
more silent than more than much more is or
total sun oceaning than any this
tear jumping from each most least eye of star

and without was if minus and shall be
immeasurable happenless unnow
shuts more than open could that every tree
or than all his life more death begins to grow

end's ending then these dolls of joy and grief
these recent memories of future dream
these perhaps who have lost their shadows if
which did not do the losing spectres mine

until out of merely not nothing comes
only one snowflake(and we speak our names

That should help.

[Freya]

thank you very much. I wrote something kind of like a sonnet the other day, but I couldn't remember all the rules about it... so I'll have to fix it up.

Just to letcha'll know, Jo is a fictional character, idk I felt that some of you got the impression she was real >.> and if not, thats cool too.... just clarifying.

new poem!

“You Make me Feel Like a Natural Woman”

You make me sing
Making me happy
You keep me breathing
This is no summer fling.

Don’t move to fast
Take it slow,
Cherish our time together
So we can smile at our past.

Hold my hand
Keep me near.
If you let go
I’ll only fear.

Sleeping silently,
Atop your chest
Hearst beating quietly
“I love you” I confess.

Kiss me gently,
Kiss me sweetly
Hold me closely
Touch me neatly.


I couldn't think of a good title and this song was stuck in my head so yeah.

[Miaka Lee]

"Sweat" - Yes, a little weird but still good. It has a bit of your emo style in it. ^_^

"The Visit to Uncle Pete" - I know how it feels to watch someone live their last days, so my heart goes out to you. Believe it or not feelings like these is what makes poetry so great. This poem has a lot of meaning and emotion in it, also it's nicely written.

"The Little School Girl" - Haha, I love this one! It's fun to follow and to imagine. Two thumbs up.

“You Make me Feel Like a Natural Woman” - This one would be good to give to a special someone around Valentines Day. The title reminded me of a song by Shaina Twain(sp?) - "You Make me Feel Like a Woman", but it didn't turn out that way. It's actually better(even though it hit high on the charts) then the song. Nice job.

[Freya]

"Sweat" - Yes, a little weird but still good. It has a bit of your emo style in it. ^_^

"The Visit to Uncle Pete" - I know how it feels to watch someone live their last days, so my heart goes out to you. Believe it or not feelings like these is what makes poetry so great. This poem has a lot of meaning and emotion in it, also it's nicely written.

"The Little School Girl" - Haha, I love this one! It's fun to follow and to imagine. Two thumbs up.

“You Make me Feel Like a Natural Woman” - This one would be good to give to a special someone around Valentines Day. The title reminded me of a song by Shaina Twain(sp?) - "You Make me Feel Like a Woman", but it didn't turn out that way. It's actually better(even though it hit high on the charts) then the song. Nice job.

*bows* thank you for the praises and your thoughts.

I'm happy you liked them, I feel like I've improved :p *hug*


(yeah for that one, I couldn't think of a good title.... if you have a suggestion I'm open to them!)

[Miaka Lee]

*hugs back* You have improved and you should feel/be proud. I wish I had your talent :D.

Right now I can't think of one but I'll get back to you if I do.

[Freya]

“Little Anne”

There once was a girl named Anne
Who fought crime with a frying pan.
She swung it round and round,
As away her enemies did bound.

Her parents never thought
That criminals could be caught
By their sweet little Anne
And her wicked frying pan.

The underworld was in a stink!
Until the day Anne tried a drink
(Until that fateful day Anne did drink)
She drank so much so fast
That soon her life was in the past.

Her body lay in a mournful grave
Weeping was her Mother and Father, Dave
They cried out for their little Anne
As she lay to rest her frying pan.
(As she lay to rest with her frying pan)


the verses in ( ) are alternate verses to the above ones (they could be subsituted instead becasue idk which one sounds better)

but yeah I've kind of started a "Name Poem" trend recently, where I start out with the same line "There once was a boy/girl named..." and write a story about it, its kinda cool.... so yeah you might see a few more of these (not like millions but like... three) yeah I like this one though, tell me what you think okay???

[Neo-Hunter]

ha ha, that was great, She fought crime with a frying pan, nifty good poem it has got to be a top ten of great poems.

[Sakito]

Fighting crime with a frying pan, she must hit hard to accomplish that.
The poem was well worded and it had the usual ryming in it that you like to do so much, very enjoyable.



~Sakito~

[Freya]

*laughs* yeah I love it! I'm working on another one like that it's about a boy... but heres a preview to a new poem I'm working on (as I'm still finishing the one about the boy)

this one is ALMOST done, but I think I should go back and rewrite some... here are the first few verses:

"Glass House"

The peaceful serenity
In this glass cage
A scornful brow
All furled in rage

Naked I appear
People laugh and sneer
No longer can I hide,
Until a boy I spy!

He breaks the glass
And takes me out
"I've found Love at last!"
He'd begun to shout.

I clung to him
As off he carried me.
Perplexed stood people, bright and dim.
The boy and I skipped off with glee.

Together we were merry,
Life couldn't have gotten better
When out skip'd a fairy.
My boy jumped, "Fetch her!"



ummm yeah thats all I'll show for now, it's almost done but yeah any suggestions for me so far?

[Freya]

whoops! Double post! Oh well!

okay so I wrote the rest of it and it turned out to be uber, uber long! so yes.... I'm sorry for the length, I think it gets a little drawn out but idk, tell me what you think:

“The Glass House”

The peaceful serenity,
In this quiet glass cage,
A scornful brow,
All furled in rage.

Naked I appear
People laugh and sneer
No longer can I hide,
Until a boy I spy!

He breaks the glass
And takes me out
“I’ve found Love at last!”
He began to shout.

I clung to him
The boy ran off with glee
As off he carried me.
Perplexed, people stood bright and dim.

Together we were merry
Life couldn’t have gotten better
When out skip’d a fair.
My boy jumped, “Fetch her!”

He grabbed the poor creature
And locked her in a glass cage.
He ripped off her most beautiful feature.
Her wings gone, I watched, enraged.

“How could you?”
I bellowed
“Calm yourself woman!” he said.
I mellowed.

“The Fairy is fine.
She can be yours
For you are mine.”
He held my hand.

I took the fairy all around,
In perfect serenity
Until on the glass she did pound
The poor creature was dying.
And seeing on her,
A scornful brow
I looked and cried
“It’s time to go now,”

I opened the glass cage
And held the fairies body
She was no longer enraged
“Little boy, you’re so naughty!”

His shining eyes met mine
As mine sparkled with hot tears
“Darling, it will be fine…”
He comforted me.

“You killed her though!”
I protested as he held me close,
“I did I suppose,
Don’t leave me Zoe!”

“I never meant to touch her!
She was such a beautiful thing.
She’s in a better place, I’m sure.”
Then my boy took out a red ring.

“Forget the fairy,
I love you
Please say we’ll marry?
Be mine forever.”

I backed away from him
Unsure of my own feelings
I didn’t know his dealings
“What do you mean?”

“Marry me my love!
Be with me forever!”
“I don’t know… no! Never!”
Back I shove’d him

“You murderer, you killer,
You took that poor creatures life!”
He pursed his lips in anger,
“You’ve caused me a lot of strife.”


“Fine than,” replied he,
“If that’s how you want it,
This is how it’ll be”
The fairies head he bit.

“She’s the reason you hate me!
She’s dead! It was a mistake!
I never meant to kill her
But you don’t want me I see.”

“No my little boy,
I do and I love you…
It’s just... you played with her,
In a sick little game, she was the toy.

You can’t do that,
Not to a living thing.
What if you did that to me?”
I gave him back the ring.

“Than again you shall be locked away,
Naked and alone in the Glass House.
You took my heart and let it decay!”
He stormed off and left me.

I looked through the tears
At her cold, little body,
“Did I do right?
We were so happy, now he’s gone…
It was just one little fight
That tore us apart,
And brought forth my biggest fears.”

Locked again in the chilly house,
I sat there, defeated.
Without any type of love,
As from the world I hid

[aoi_n_asul]

you're right...its long ^^ but i enjoyed reading it. short verses makes the pacing fast so no biggie about the length. i kind of took this poem as one that says something about growing up...nice job ^^

and oh, i love ur sig ^^

[Ashuri]

i think that your poem was fantastic. the length didn't bother me though. i can't wait to see what else you can come up with.:yes:

[Sakito]

The poem had, alot of sorrow and wanting in it. Knowing that the boy did not mean to do such a thing to the fairy as he had said she still betrayed him and watched him ask for forgiveness. She declined throwing all that she had with him away. This shows that one little matter can cause the most pain ever in life, now he is alone once again, as she is as well. Hiding from each other even know they love. The words that you used were so well put, the length of the poem was a good touch as well.

~Sakito~

[Freya]

you're right...its long ^^ but i enjoyed reading it. short verses makes the pacing fast so no biggie about the length. i kind of took this poem as one that says something about growing up...nice job ^^

and oh, i love ur sig ^^

h