My poems

[Neo-Hunter]

since I've done many other writing i show my poetic side so reply if you want to the last page which holds newer poems.


Time.

Time has transended into a spiral
many people wonder how to stop it
it curves and twist into a deep turn,
now it is a clock ticking slower and slower
Time will Transend say the people and now
comes Father time to end the show.



Feather
Here I lay and see a feather drifting by
i look up and see it's snowy white color
and try to grab it, but I am to injured
beacuse i have lost my love due to the
illiness brought by the snow
i weep in sorrow for what the color of the feather
reminds me of.

[Veraca]

*tears* i think those are great. didnt see this thread before cause it was so far down, but i was bored enough to scroll farther than normal. i think it's very nice ^^ keep up the good work ^^

[aoi_n_asul]

i like the way you made your transitions, line after line. really smooth and nice. i'd say ditto to what veraca just said. the poem time made me wanna sit back and think what i would really like to do with my life...

[Kaikyaku]

Not bad overall.

Time is a little cliched, but it's almost as if the poem is really about the cliches and not about time (in a good way). I don't know if that's what you intended.

For Feather, I think it would have been better if you gave the background information at the beginning of the poem. It kind of throws the reader for a loop in the middle and we have to reread the first bit with a different perpective. The other way around might add more flow to the story.

[Veraca]

i like the way you made your transitions, line after line. really smooth and nice. i'd say ditto to what veraca just said. the poem time made me wanna sit back and think what i would really like to do with my life...

i did sit back and think a moment before i replied

[sakura_blossom]

Very nice I extremely like your poems quite a lot. True as every one says of how it makes you want to think after reading it, very well written in my opinion. I especially like your Time poem the best out of the two and your poems don't have that overly depressive feeling to it like I've seen in the past. Once again good job and I hope you post more of your poems soon^^

[Neo-Hunter]

Winter dreams

Here I lay dreaming watching
closely at the snow, the soft timid
snowflake dropping in a restless motion
near the tip of my tounge. for this dream of winter's delight.
Is almost near for i stay dreaming
watching closely at the snow
while i dream at night.



Nothing

I can hear your soft, voice near my ear. you whisper
the sweet words oh Love, please come back for you
are a solider. a man of courage and hope, For I am a women whose
love is waiting with the soft courage for you please
love come back. for I am weak without you.


Courage

Go soft young warrior your courage is strong
your mind is like a window of Psychological emotions
that makes you follow your heart for you must rescue
your love, for your heart has made a path and you must the path
to great destiny, for you young warrior your courage
is strong be guided with it.

Darkness.
My body lifeless my soul darken with fear and hate
only the fact that I hear your voice the soft, trusting voice that I remeber
please forgive me I scream as i lay here dead and lifeless for my soul has been taken over by fear and self pity beacuse losing you has given me no hope just fear and lonliness. That has been moving like a pendium over my lifeless body here i lay my soul darken with fear and hate, for i have lost my one true love.

[Veraca]

those are great ^^ love em. very impacting

[sakura_blossom]

I have to say you are a very good writer, I love your poems^^ I especially like the 'Winter dreams' poem and 'Darkness' poem the best out of the new one's you posted. You seem to have the effect in your writing to make one think cause every time I do read your works it makes me think. Very well done I must say

[aoi_n_asul]

yep, they are kind of grim...grim but beautiful and nice set of poems. i loved "nothing". tones are soft and soothing, with a nice hint of longing. keep em coming! :headbang:

[Neo-Hunter]

Oasis

Here I stand by the Oasis
where Kings and Pharoh's once
stood to feed their quench for thirst
these great men wandered to fight for true power
but obtained true knowlage and wisdom from fighting
battles Here I stand by the oasis where Kings and Hero's once stood


Young Lovers

Here are the young lovers fair and tone
the Maiden and the Knight whose love for
life was like their inner beauty itself. for they the once
young lovers are now old and wrecthed but still
their love is dire strong.

[Kaikyaku]

You are getting better Cruz Yukari!!

I have comments for your last 6 poems:

Winter Dreams:
This one wasn't as good as the others. The line "watching closely at the snow" is worded a bit strangely. I noticed you used "for" twice. Repetition can be very effective if used properly. I think in this case, if that's what you were trying to do, you should have the lines start with the "for", to emphasize the repetition. It's not as effective in the middle of a line. If you did that by accident, then it would be good to use a different word. The same goes for "dream". The words you chose for the most part have a very staccato feel. I think that adds a lot to the poem. Nicely done in that respect.

Nothing:
This one was nice. My biggest problem was the punctuation. It seems a little off and makes the poem a bit hard to read. You are missing a few periods and commas and have a couple in the wrong place. Correcting the punctuation could make this very good. If you want an example just PM me. Only other thing, the title "Nothing" doesn't really fit with the poem. But that's just my opinion.

Courage:
There's a typo in this one in line 4 - "must the path" - is missing a word. Also, perhaps the line "to great destiny" should be "to a great destiny"? It doesnt sound quite right as it is. In this one again you have the repeating "for". See above for my suggestions. Also, the last line should read "guided by it" rather than "guided with it". Other than that, very nice.

Darkness:
I believe there's a typo in this one too. Where is says "my soul darken" should it be darkens or darkened? Also, you used the word "lifeless" three times. That might be a bit too much considering the short length of the poem. Maybe try experimenting with some different words. You paint a very graphic picture with this poem. You have created a strong atmosphere and have some good assonance happening. I suggest using repeated assonance to make the poem more erie.

Oasis:
Yay an Egypt reference! I love ancient egypt! If only wars were really like that. A romaticized tale to be sure, but that's not a bad thing necessarily. The spelling in the second line should be "Pharoah" I believe. And in the last line, "arm and arm" is awkward. Usually it's "arm in arm" but that's not whast you mean. Maybe you were trying for "shoulder to shoulder"? A couple of the lines have a strong beat to them, but not enough to develop a pattern. Such a rythem (sp?) is not necessary, but it would make the poem a lot stronger, especially given the subject matter.

Young Lovers:
In the fourth line, I think you wanted "wretched" as the word. The message could be a little clearer in this one. The third line especially is a little wordy. I think some more flowery words would make this poem a bit more interesting. Experiment with the words and the structure a bit. Also, "dire strong" doesn't really make sense.

Overall Comments:
These poems show improvement, but there's a lot more you can do. You really like the word "soft". It's a nice word, but maybe expand into some other descripters. Sometimes the place where you chose to break the line seemed a bit odd. It should be at a natural place that doesn't leave the pieces too jagged. Oh, and of the last 6 poems, 3 of them started with the word "Here". Use the sounds of the words to their full potential, and, though it's not a big deal, the lines could be a bit more even (in length).

I hope you find these comments helpful. If you want more suggestions just bug me (again ^_^)

[sakura_blossom]

your new poem seems to have a bit of a different feel from the rest, it doesn't seem you spent much time on this poem. To me it seems a little bit rushed and a bunch of things brought together to create this poem. I don't find it quite original which I like to see originality from your works which makes a person think after reading which I think is wonderful. It is still good I have to admit though not as good as the one's you have written in the past I have to say. I'm still excited of what you write in the future but for now I was a bit dissappointed.

[Veraca]

Oasis

Here I stand by the Oasis
where Kings and Pharoh's once
stood to feed their quench for thirst
these great men wandered to fight for true power
but obtained true knowlage and wisdom from fighting
battles Here I stand by the oasis where Kings and Hero's once stood
side by side. arm and arm.


Young Lovers

Here are the young lovers fair and tone
the Maiden and the Knight whose love for
life was like their inner beauty itself. for they the once
young lovers are now old and wrecthed but still
their love is dire strong.

Here I stand wating for the sunrise to bring forth
life, over this barren land of Flowers and animals who are
in a deep slumber, oh awake young love for the day is young
and life teeming with refreshing beauty, for today love is the
day we change the world.

i believe i said this to another poet, cut out useless words, cause there are some in there that aren't needed. plus you have too long of lines- too many words, no- too many syllables, yeah
so far out of your new poems, Oasis is the best one. how ever even that could do better with words cut out of it

[Neo-Hunter]

Love and Fear

The Young Lover joined her love beside
the Crestless moon,she felt him beside her
and heard his voice soflty "mummuring" in
the midnight sky all of her fears left her
unbeknownst to her partner " oh"
my young lover he said softly to her please
do not hate me as a monster but as your
true destined lover for "I weep in sorrow for you
for a long time" "hush" said the young maiden for
I am here the person you have yerned for.
sweet maiden of the rose Ihave enchated your beauty
for life





The princess

Hear I stand as a mighty warrior
for the pharoah, the wise man
who request me from my deep
slumber to thank me for what
i done to protect his kingdom
hark what is this he offer's his
daughter the princess, oh sweet
joy
so the gods were right for
they have had revelations of me
in a life long partnership with the Pharoah's
daughter. I say Yes for my heart teems with compassion for the fair
princess my one true love.

[Ninja Realist]

Gramattical errors abound. Too many to count. Love is overused, and you need to use quotations.

Other than that, not bad.

[Freya]

i think the "Love and Fear" one is good, but, (i hate doing this) but i agree with Realist that you need quotation marks and the word love is over used but if you just change that it could turn from really good to sweet... ;)

[Neo-Hunter]

You call me Crazy, insane on the edge
but it's not true I wonder this Barren land
looking for anything i can see fighting my inner
demons and the beast within to save you
I am the hunter and the savior mixed into one
for i am crazy and insane on the edge but
i love you.

[Freya]

meh... its not as good as the others... the thing that i didnt like was the whole "I am the hunter and the savior" line... that just seemed a little... cheezy or somthing to me... you've done better!

[Ninja Realist]

If it means anything, I think your poems are better than Freya's.

[Spilled Milk]

...wow..honestly wow..that is just rude Realist..I'm not pissed about your comment in itself, but the fact that you would even post it..thats just rude..that's just something you should keep to yourself. and If you can't than at least tell him in a PM. If you don't have anything constructive to say please don't say it at all.. thats one of the Rules in the FAQ.
but anywho thats not why I'm posting. (I know freya might be pissed and I think you deserve any shit she gives you)
Cruz your poems are really well done, and I think you have alot of potential. Keep it up!

[Ninja Realist]

Well freya has been nothing but a Jerk to me too, so one bad turn deserves another.

[Kiba]

Well freya has been nothing but a Jerk to me too, so one bad turn deserves another.
Actually you were the jerk to her.

[Freya]

hey okay Cruz, i'm sorry that we fought and now were friends (???) well we've worked through our differences and its okay now but i'm sorry again Cruz to do this to your thread... but i really like your work (seirously) and i wanna read more! (they're good!) again my apoligies...
~Freya~

[Ninja Realist]

Ya sorry bout your thread Cruz.

[Neo-Hunter]

it's ok. now a better poem hopefully.

standing

There she stands like an angel
gleeming like the rays of sunshine
for here I wait for you but you are
far away from me please come back for
I am lonely without you



Rose.

When I see the rose I only can think
About the times we used to have the first
Time I saw your face and I could see your inner beauty
For I am lonely without you and this rose is the
Only thing that reminds me of you.



Death II

As I lay here on my death bed
Cowering in fear I can see the reaper
Waiting for my timely demise, the people drag my
Dead body through the streets. For I can see the reaper as I shout
In fear for he smiles as he looks because I am another victim for whose
Soul he gets to collect.


Reaper

As I stand here in hell for I see the old reaper looking at me
He says he has chosen me for the task to become the new reaper
With a stroke of his mighty scythe he has turned me into the figure for which people
Cower for he has granted me with enough power to slay the masses. Now I have become what I have feared the reaper with the scythe.


Feather 2
I see you lay there and approach you
You do not sense me for I am like a ghost
I move around your bed watching you every waking
Moment you are in a blissful slumber I do not awake you
But use a feather to touch your light skin for now I shall leave
I sense the guards are near now I must leave but before I go here is
The feather for which I have turned into a rose.

[Neo-Hunter]

Cerberus

Three heads, each of the beast standing
Before me it looks like the same from the
Ancient books had recalled for here he
Guards the door way that leads to my
Enemy for this giant beast will try to kill
Me but it shall not come close.



Justice

There she stood the person from
Mythology the one who granted freedom
Or life of torment she held a scale in one hand
Nothing on the other she covers her Eyes but notices
Me by my footsteps so I approach she calls out
What is it that you need young Warrior? I know of your heroic
Deeds so please let me judge you fairly.

[Freya]

wow, Standing, Rose and Death II.. wow... i'm like in love (especially with the Rose one and Standing...) they remind me a bit of my own works (lmao) but there so much... better! Death II was wicked sick to! okay one suggestion though, you use "Cowering" and its root word "Cower" in Death II and in Reaper, i would suggest changing just one, like in Reaper maybe change it to "cringe" instead, just casue i know in my writings i dont like to reuse words, even if its in different poems or storys or whatever... just casue its like... fresher (??) but ya otherwise i liked em!

[aoi_n_asul]

bravo bravo :deal death II and reaper are really something...i read your other poems and you got quite rough and choppy with your transitions and words. but in the two aforementioned, it was perfect. cerberus was nice; it would also have been nice if you made cerberus as your own, the one who guards you and not your enemy. justice kinds of lack something though i cant place my finger on it yet. standing, rose, death II, feathers 2 and reaper (especially reaper) are done amazingly and are extremely well crafted. :rant:

[Neo-Hunter]

Thunder

As it begins to rain, here I lay near the river bend
The raindrops begin to hit my hair and roll down my
Cheeks in despair, for I wait and here that noise the
Lighting is coming speaks the wind in a rough tone, for
It will consume the nearest thing in radiance and awe for
The thunder is coming and I shout I am not afraid and the wind answers
Back but you are for you are a man with misfortune for the lighting is coming
To take your soul



Water
Here I stand next to a stream, where animals once used to come
For a drink now the water is contaminated by man’s misdeeds now
The once proud stream is now a puddle with toxic filth
Here I stand where what was a Majestic Steam with its inner beauty and thirst was quenched by all But that was a long time ago

Injury

Here I lay in a mood of fear and despair the Enemy closing in
Waiting for the perfect kill, "I must move" I thought then all of a
Sudden I feel a slash;
The enemy’s kitanna hits me on the arm as
Blood flows down my arm like a river
I scream in pain but the anguish is too much
Then with the injury I jump in the air and attack
Killing the enemy in the darkness
Only shadowed by the light of the moon

[Freya]

meh... i'm just not feeling it with these ones... the best (i think) is Thunder, but it feels like the word "and" is used a bit to much or something... (cant place my finger on it quite yet) the other two were alright but not nearly as good as the others before... keep working though! they have potential

[Kaikyaku]

More critiques:

Standing:
This one seems to contradict itself. You said "there she stands" suggesting the writer can see her, and then said she was so far away. I understand it's possible for this to occur if someone is far away emotionally rather than physically, but you need to make that clearer. If you want to make an emotional impact trying making the poem a bit longer and adding more informtion.

Rose:
This one is very hard to read without punctuation. Try for more of a connection between the rose and the person. Why does it remind him of her? What about them is similar or related? You could also try more abstract despriptions. "Inner beauty" is commonly used, tried describing it your own way.

Death II:
This one has punctuation, but it's in the wrong places. Punctuation still works like it does in regular english. You can mess with it a bit, but generally the rules apply. "Timely demise" is a little cliche. Describe the reaper for us. What does he look like? Smell like? What does he make the author feel? The dragging the body through the streets seems a little our of place. It doesn't seem quite related to the rest of the story. In the fifth line at the end, the "for" is uneccesary.

Reaper:
The "for" in the first line is uneccesary. This one reads more like a story than a poem. Was this inspired by Bleach? ^_^ It might better to do this one in the present tense rather than the past tense. How does the writer feel about this new job? Is he excited? Is he scared? I think you could say the same things in a lot less words. For example, the second line could be "I am the chosen successor" or something.

Feather 2:
The first line should be "lying there". Like a ghost? What does that mean? Are you real or not? Do you physically exist or are you a spirit? "Every waking moment" is also a bit cliche, as is "blissful slumber". Try using more despriptive words, rather than "use" and "leave". The last line does not make any sense. Again the "for" is unceccesary. What meaning does this have? Why did you turn it into a rose? Perhaps to sybmolize love, but then what does the feather symbolize?

Cerberus:
whoa. I'm sorry but this poem is really bad. It doesn't make any sense. It's VERY hard to read. There's not enough information for a reader to understand what's going on or care.

Justice:
"Person from mythology" sounds a bit lame. It should be "a life of torment" and "nothing in the other". Again, what does the reader feel about this? He's about to be judged. Is he scared? worried? confident? in awe? You should probably have quotations for her words.

Thunder:
Grammar troubles here. "As it begins to rain, here I lay near the river bend" is not grammatically correct. At least it doesn't sound right. Where did the despair come from? That's kind of throuwn in there. You probably need quotation marks again, or rephrase it like "The wind whistles that thunder approaches". The line breakages on this one are expecially awkward. You need to work on that in general. Natural breaks are best, not with one word on the next line or one on the line before.

Water:
Try using something other than "here I stand" "there I lay". I think you are overusing it in your poetry. Some line break problems here too. It should be "a puddle of toxic filth". Magestic Stream should not be capitalized. "Inner beauty" is again a bit cliched. How does a stream have inner beauty? It's not something one would normally think of as having it, so you need to explain.

Injury:
I don't there's such thing as a "mood of fear and despair". If the author says "I must move" it doesn't need quotes, and he doesn't need to tell himself that he thought it. Use more interesting words than "hit" "slash". Blood flowing like a river is also a bit cliche. For someone who is scared and in despair and just be sliced, he sure makes a valiant about turn. This seems a bit unlikely. If he does it out of fear and as a fight or flight reaction, you need to make that clearer. The attack makes him sound much more in control that he should be.

Overall:
- use "for" less. You use it in almost every poem, sometimes multiple times. I can be used well, but not every time.
- Same with the "here I stand" stuff.
- please, please, PLEASE use proper punctuation (and grammar too). Your poems are very difficult to decifer when we don't know where the statements are beginning and ending.

[Neo-Hunter]

Feelings

When I look at you I find my self thinking
why did I like you? controling me like I was
a toy! a slave you thought you could have
commanded me but you made me feel dead inside!
I was a slave you had no say of my feeling using them
in your own sick,and ill-twisted ways. This is why my feeling in
this is my own guide to self -hatred and now I must move from
your ignorance. For you are the reason my feelings are in a knot
leave me alone. For I am not a toy! or a slave, I am a human who has
been defiled by what your twisted ways and sexual doings you called it "love".

[Freya]

ooohhh i love your word choice "Sick twisted ways"... good! but i still think you need proper punctuation (sp?) just casue it would be a little eaiser to read, er get the right flow, ya know? i liked the last part to

[Neo-Hunter]

Issues

You scream at me like I am nothing a useless
Pawn, you say that I am unbearable and illogical
And still a pawn in your game with issues.
I stand by you even though I find
That you are an evil, sick and abusive Whore
Who has made me spill more blood everyday even for your
Own personal gain and wealth, I am not your slave
For your day of reckoning will come and when it does
I hope that I will be your Judge, jury and executioner for the
Pain you have caused me.


Blood

I see it flowing from my veins the cut is deep
You stand beside me laughing at My own torment
For you assume that I am weak and that I was
Just a foolish person for I once loved you and shared in the joys and pain as one
Life force but you stand their in the rain as I am left for dead laughing at the pain
It echo’s inside me like a million burst from a gun your once tender voice now
Flowing with pure evil the person I once loved is gone.

Eternal suffering

You finally got your wish I am now in heaven for your
Reign of terror is over and now I am free of the eternal suffering you have
Caused me and now that I seen what you really were I think of all of the good times we had but now my life is a new and this eternal suffering is over so long bitch for my time has final come.

[Freya]

wow it sounds like you once really loved someone and they totally tore your heart out and stomped on it in front of your face.... "Blood" made me cry (almost) i really liked it... and i liked the whole "Pawn" thing in issues... that made it more interesting (for me anyways) but ya i really liked Blood!! *two thumbs up*

[Ninja Realist]

You seem to have taken a page out of Freya's book. Im not a big one on dark themes in poetry, but i do like the images your poem evoked. This is actually some of your best written poetry yet. Im sure if you keep working at it your poems will just get better.

[Neo-Hunter]

Fallen

You assume that you have won, but
You think that invincibility was the key to
Your success but I control your life that you
Live for you are a simpleton, a weak useless pawn
In this thing you call life, you assume I am weak but
What I say is this “Bring it on Bitch”



Tranquil

Life used to be peaceful in a ubiquities kind of way
The joys we shared was a dire wake of our love for
You and I were meant to be I apologize for your untimely demise
For life was Tranquil and peaceful but I took it away with a simple saying
“This is over and I want you to leave”


Slicing through what I call my miserable life I can’t
Withstand the notion that I tried so hard to
Understand you to be with you trying to fit
In with your friends only to lose hope and faith because you have
Taken it and used it as a toy a piece of garbage you tell me as I lay on my
Bed listing to your voice, the voice of what you call reason I hate everything you
Are and that I was a piece of property to you well it’s all fallen apart now and it’s my
Time for revenge.

[Freya]

You seem to have taken a page out of Freya's book. Im not a big one on dark themes in poetry, but i do like the images your poem evoked. This is actually some of your best written poetry yet. Im sure if you keep working at it your poems will just get better.
HAHA! yes but i do have to say they WERE different for you, more on the morbid side, so that was interesting but i enjoyed them! ua moving on to your new ones, Fallen was i dont know kinda odd, there was just something about it that didnt quite "flow" with me about it... and the second was a little better but there was somthing weird with that one to but i liked it better than Fallen i believe.

[Neo-Hunter]

You seek only strength, throwing away pride
Coldness that can burn a person, you stop
Time with hatred, onward to battle, oh warrior that protects dreams!
Please return the heart that ran to the darkness your loneliness, anger, shouts
Let me feel it with you regain that true courage once again
Melt those frozen tears on my bosom warm tears that melt the ice for
I am your one true love.



time warrior.

Running through the trees like an ghost go fast
As a young warrior you must get to the battle
For your friends are in danger for you with your speed and
Strength can only fight the tormented souls of the unclean
Take out your blade and keep looking for the impurities that have been stained with
Blood of the innocent slaughtered like lambs for once you save all your deeds shall
Not be forgotten for history has a ripple effect with warriors such as you go strong and fast.

[Freya]

i really like the first one, although its untitled, i especially liked the "Melt those frozen tears on my bosom warm tears that melt the ice for I am your one true love." part! n_n the last one is good too, but i dont really like the whole "history repetes itself" thing, i dont know i've never really liked that "theme" in books, movies ect. but other than that good work! n_n

[aoi_n_asul]

poems kind of dark arent they? :sweat:

fallen's a strong poem. you did it nicely, that one. tranquil too. lots of angst if i may say so :twodrunks
i'm not that much for dark and angsty poems but your poems are getting better as you manage to bring out your feelings in your poems. transitions smoother and better. :twodrunks

[Neo-Hunter]

Angel

For you are my sweet angel, whose face is soft like a pillow
As I cress your
Cheek with my hand,
On a cold morning, your wings and
Feathers glowing with this profound
Intoxicating aura of feeling, you walk closer to me
To help with my pain and misery for I have fallen in to
A river of illusion and apathy, dear sweet angel you clasp on to me hugging and holding on to me and whispering “my sweet hero your battle is done for another day”

warning this poem might be a little too hot maybe!



I sense that you are near the sweet smell of perfume with its aroma
Around you waver to me holding the blanket I have given you, sprawling
On the couch you gently lay you head on my lap for your wounds I have treated
I share your pain and sorrow, through passionate sex, for the night was ours for the taking and we have justly so have done, through it all I am still lonely yearning for the love I once called my Girl, but all I see is the grievance by the sorrow.

[Freya]

wow.... speechless... it was great! (made me think of those i love) i think the ua "hot" part was acually a great expression of raw emotions you seem to have... (and no its wasnt to "hot" beleive me i've written worse :P ) but GOOD! i think this is one of my new favourites! n_n

[Neo-Hunter]

This is my small poetic Eulogy to the pope

Man who was once known as a figure who fought against the
Heralds of evil and embraced the sinners and the poor, as one of
His loving children go forth, for you are truly an inspiration to
Us all, forgiving nations who criticized your word, living through the
Hatred of man defending justice and truth for ages to come, please
come back to your lord as he shall reward you with his glory.

Pope John Paul the second 1920-2005 R.i..P.

[Freya]

this one to me is only "meh"... okay i dont mean to sound insensitive or anything, ya its sad that he died, he was a nice guy... but i'm not catholic so i dont really miss him :-/ ... i dont know... its a really nice thing to do though for someone you hold in high regard!

[Neo-Hunter]

i really didn't do it because that it was the right thing, even though it was but the media biltz drove me insane.

[Spilled Milk]

nice poem n_n the pope was a cool guy..it's sad he died..but atleast he's not suffering anymore. He's in Heaven..and he lived a very long life..but yeah Cruz keep up the good work n_n

[Neo-Hunter]

The summer

It’s almost summer; I yearn for nothing more. Days of plight we call
School has endured us grieving pain and caused misery, transformed into
Days of endless delight, lounging by the pool, hanging out by the old oak tree
Where we first inscribed our names together out of love, it’s almost summer time
But it will be without you my love.


The sea (wasn't feeling this)

Once the Majestic beauty of the sea has led me to your home, the far away land in which
You live in a small house build by the tenderness of your family for you, you look at me and notice that I am a man from the darkness which you say has seeped through the light
Forgive me I say, I only came to watch your beauty like the Glisten sea, the beauty of the white caps of the waves look like, your face in the wind for you will not look at me a creature of war and hate, but alas here is what I came to give you this strange rose I found at sea for now I shall call it a sea rose for its beauty is but a dream to me.

[sakura_blossom]

Oh haven't commented on your poems for a bit sorry about that^^ well any way back to the one about the pope it's good but each new line the sentence I thought would end but it keeps going on to the next line then the next like a non stop at all thing through out the entire piece. It's alright and it's great that you wrote something about the pope he was a very good guy I hear all the time at least^^ I'm not Catholic so I never really payed attention until his final days, but still glad you wrote it but not fond of how it's placed together.

For the next poem 'The Summer' it seemed kind of rushed in what was said or what was trying to be expressed in the poem to me. It is better written and in the beginning starts off really nice but at the end kind of jumbled. Overall I have to say that's it's only ok.

For your last poem posted was pretty good I liked how it was told and all in the poem but really only an ok poem to me not the best I have read from your writing's previously but still overall good.

[Freya]

i liked the summer one, although it could be longer with more description... i think i liked the sea one better, but there was one sorta "weird" part (for me anyways) about the strange rose from the sea... that was kinda odd but otherwise good stuff! n_n

[Neo-Hunter]

This is a funny poem that i thought.


Hat.

One size fits all; it’s made of 100%cotten many people were
You for you cover the head from the Torture of the horrid sun, I used to
Have a hat to but you took it from me as I live through my personal hell
Misery and lust is all that you gave me and I was confused you used me as a tool of hate and now that I got my hat back you will pay!

[Freya]

hahaha... i enjoy how you mix the simlicity of wearing/owing a hat with your problems and what its done for you (i hope that makes sense) it was cute... :P

[aoi_n_asul]

hat was funny. :thud: its a nice break from the others, a funnier and lighter poem. keep it up, your getting better at it!

[Neo-Hunter]

Trust.

You know you can trust me,
for I have the devil’s eye His blood flows through
My veins as I scream through the pain,
I will never let you go, just consider me your friend
Until the end of time for I will protect you from evil
Because of the friendship we have.



Betrayal


You left me to die like a wench in a room about
To be raped, why would you do this I thought we
Were friends, but now I know who my enemy and allies
Are, now you will pay by the ten folds your betrayal left me in
The black now its my turn for some pay back.

[Freya]

there good, but you need punctuation! they're a bit hard to read without it (but i can imagin) i know its kinda putsey, but it will make them SOOO much better than they already are! (the poem is good, i really like them both) its just they would be like wonderful with proper punctuation... other than that thumbs up! n_n

[Neo-Hunter]

Man its been a while since i posted here, been a busy bever! and having girls who are friends troubles. an ugly stick troubles pm me to find out!

Sleeping

Here I lay restless on this boat
Wandering to the edge of the world,
Covered in blood I wait for the end, time and space
Has stopped for me, as I lay motionless as the current lightly drifts me past the forest and medows to the end of the world, where I can see the light of the garden
Up above in heaven.

[Freya]

whoa.... i really like this one... it really like, gripped me... I dont really know what to say about it (i love it dont worry) but ya! n_n and thanks for the punctuation! added a bunch!!!! good good good!

[Neo-Hunter]

As I lay on this tropical Paradise, I can sense your
Loneliness do not worry for I am here with you,
You feel insecure and confused wondering about how you almost lost me
Deep in thought I ask a question you just reply with a simple nod, a gesture of good faith no doubt, for your depression is a mind-boggling thing I grab a hold of you and hold on to you until you fall asleep in my arms.

[Freya]

holy crap... thats really scary.... thats like exactly how I feel about my silly boy sometimes and whoa... it was just odd how you totally captured that but good job! i know i almost always say your work is good but it is, if it wasnt i wouldnt say so but you should like, put togeather a book of poems or something... have you ever thought of writing storys to go with a poem or something? becasue i think you would be able to write some really good and interesting storys to acompany some of your poems... just a thought! :P

[Neo-Hunter]

Sitting here in the sunset, Watching the waves roll this quite beach has become our paradise, now as I caress your shoulders I sense that you are in pain, you try to hide it but
The hurt is so much now as I get on this boat you look away in anger, your hair in the way of your face as I finally push it back, you start to cry for you don’t want me to leave but I have to go I respond in a monotone voice, but I will come back and that is a promise.

[Akimichi Choji]

They were alright but here is the thing. The two poems are to similar. I mean they both have one word titles, are about the same length, and deal with a life ending or time ending. Please for the sake of your writing, learn to be different and original.

PS. Did you write these at the same time?

[Neo-Hunter]

these two were supposed to go hand in hand but i forgot to upload the second one sorry.

[Freya]

ya they are very similar... but sometimes you have feelings that you have to present twice, just to get it out ya know? well thats how i feel sometimes... but no i really liked it, you could picture it very well... i espcially like how you used the word "monotone" (thats a funny word for me... inside joke i suppose) but yes good stuff!

[Neo-Hunter]

As I stand here, you come up screaming and angry,
Your screams shatter the silence in the air, you call me useless
And worthless, I say back I’m tried and broken and I feel like I am walking with
The dead, I am tried of your lies and bull I want you out of my life,
I shall walk back in the dark away from you finally,
I hope I shattered your dreams of us being together again.

Maybe I believed that our love could have made us in to a more mature couple,
But I was totally wrong; you used me, abused me and made me your patsy, now I shall
Reclaim my self-pride and hope that you will die and be put in your grave, moving on I shall enjoy life in which you utterly made me blind with your own wants and needs now its my time.

[Freya]

wow, CY, you seem to have like eaither bad breakups or like really REALLY raw emotion when it comes to girls... eaither that or one really must have hurt you... but you write beautifully... i really love reading your work!

[Neo-Hunter]

Today I miss you, these last few days without you made me insane
Running in circles with this confusion, I just want to get it out of my head
I’m really tired and broken but with you all of the darkness goes away, please come back to me for I will not be here again these voice of violences have taken control, I want every thing back to normal like it used to be please come back

[AnimeBlazer]

Nice. Seems like the a good letter to send to your girl that faded with the times.

[Freya]

i dont think you need the "again" in the last line, and do you mean "voices of violence"? (i think you forgot an S) but ya other than that tis quite beautiful! good good...

[Neo-Hunter]

my next raw emotion poem,enjoy!

Sitting here in my own sea of despair, I can only sense what cruel and unusual punishment you have given me, this place you call a institute where you beat me
Everyday you tell me that these beating are to make me perfect to feel the agony,
That I have caused you everyday, you plausible bitch I shall get my revenge even if you
Justify every bullshit lie I just don’t want to hear it, Trapped between these four wall that are enclosing me in you think that I must be losing my mind, but you are wrong for I will escape this and when I do you will feel my wrath ten folds

[Freya]

HAHAHAHAA!!! ohhh Cruz, you seem sadistic in this one... me likey... hahahahaha.... tis good tis good, for some reason i dont like it as much as others but twas still alright! n_n

[Neo-Hunter]

Too much sobe No fear !!!!!! read if you must!!!!!!

These feeling that once ravage my soul as I wondered of you, the sadness that brings to me watching you leave for the last time, these Inane, Psychotic and morbid feeling of watching you die passes through my mind and before my eyes you stole my life as you raped me with your seductive desires, now feeling lonely and depressed I have one common goal to find someone else who also shares the pain you have caused me, that’s right bitch walk away… From my life once more, oh you beautiful angel that I once held in my arms.

:Bump:

[Freya]

whoa, sounds like your angel turned into an ugly little demon gremlin thingy... all fat and warty and green... with gross teeth... but ya tis a good story/poem thing! i like it! ya i thought it was pretty but ya good job! n_n

[Luggles]

Jesus christ are your poems generic, and you overuse certain words way too often.

[Neo-Hunter]

er um.. yeah it was just that i needed to get this off my mind this poem was in their like a plot bunny. edit other poem back to being normal i hope.



Why this life is different from many others? , you wait by the creek called time for the
Dark messenger or angel of love, I have almost traveled to this land but it seems very mundane and inopportune, life and death, hope and peace all meld together into what we call life, I for once am a subconscious mule responding to what people tell me, I must return to the ways I once used to be fueled with the insane reason that I once was untouchable, but reality kicks in and what once was is now in the past.

[Freya]

i dotn know about this one CY... it seems a little weak to me... oh and you made one little gramatical error "others? ," but no biggy! n_n i think the begining is alright but the last line (to me) just seems kinda meh... its just not as powerful as your others... :-/

[Neo-Hunter]

Happiness is a virtue

Searching for this lost art, I only find sorrow where would their be happiness in
The world today? It is only covered with fear and hatred we try to wash the problems away to make the earth a much more safer place, where can this lost art of having happiness for people like you and I can be, searching high and low, I find it in myself
So this frivolous search was to make amends for my mistakes in life was really a virtue.

[Freya]

i like this one better than your last one!! n_n but there were just some minor mistakes, like instead of "much more safer" it sould just be 'much more safe' (i believe... well that just sounded better to me.. n_n*) and when you say "like you and I can be" deleate the can so it reads: "you and I be?" but other than those two little things it looks pretty good! (still doesnt seem like your older stuff but tis still nice and WAY better than anything i could ever do, so good job! lol!)

[Neo-Hunter]

remeberance



I still cringe every time I hear your name, you left me in When I was most happy but now that I have my life back and full in retrospect, I can say the things that I wanted to say my somber moods in the morning are awaken by the strange purrs of my cat, now that I have my life back your twisted and sick ways of what you called amusement are now gone and I have started a new, but remembrance is the key to my reemergence like the phoenix from the ashes you are now just a mystery in my life a dark spot in my heart which will never be pure, but the subtle raindrops that I hear hitting my window just like the pains and screams on those dark nights but now I have returned and with someone who was with me through thick and thin she will be by my side until we meet again.

[Freya]

i like that one WAY better than your last two! good good good!!!!! i really liked the rain drops part! that was good and i really like how you cross reference things (i think thats the word i'm trying to use) but ya i really like this one and i think the ending is a lot better than your past two... so good job! n_n (your very talented CY, lmao i hope you know that)

[JOJO]

I like the "time" poem better, you make it sound like time has been stop by THE WORLD, he he. :icon_danc

[Dark Awakenings]

Good, even though it's prose. And even then, it's better than most prose I write.
Agreed with Freya, better than the las two and I love the rain drops part.

Keep writing and I will keep reading...

[Neo-Hunter]

My memories are vanishing, once I was complete but thrown into a void where
I can’t remember you but now I don’t know who I am, what I was all I can remember is a tranquil flower blowing in the wind on a hill while a stream passes through, my memories are vanishing and now I can’t remember your face or your love for me all I have Is this rose

[Freya]

its cute, not your best, not your worst... so only meh for me, but i like the rose (although cliche somewhat) and i like the use of the word "tranquil" i've always enjoyed that word... and good discription... n_n although it seems a bit unsatisfying for me, it just seems to short and like unfinished almost for me, but thats just how i feel....

[Neo-Hunter]

I know this is bad, I am currently taking finals and i'm on my break before my next test.
so i posted this yesterday.

[Dark Awakenings]

My memories are vanishing, once I was complete but thrown into a void where
I can’t remember you but now I don’t know who I am, what I was all I can remember is a tranquil flower blowing in the wind on a hill while a stream passes through, my memories are vanishing and now I can’t remember your face or your love for me all I have Is this rose
hmm...well with a few adjustments it could actually be very good.
If you would like I could offer a few...but that would mean scewing the wording and meaning a little. But, I won't do that without your permission first.
The underlieing message is beautiful, though.
I can see major potential.

[M.Baka]

deep, poetic, cool. liked them

[Neo-Hunter]

Listing to the rain drops day by day, I once remember how the sun used to be
The heat would keep us warm together and we used to play on the beach, I remember the beautiful red bikini you used to wear, and that flower wreath that I made for you and the small shelled necklace you used to wear, then the storms came and whisked you away I tried to save you but alas the tides were too strong all I have now is the flower wreath that you used to wear, hope fully we will be reunited once again and this rain will finally stop.

[Freya]

good, i believe i liked this one better than the last :thumbup: i like the breif yet complete discription you go into... also i've always been a sucker for the "you-were-my-sun-now-its-raining" typo story lines :p you made just a few minor spelling error's but other than that i liked it!!! Although, again i think you could elongate this a bit more if you wanted to but its not necessary... (*Listening, i believe you ment and also, Hopefully*) n_n

[Neo-Hunter]

that was on my laptop on my desktop right now still getting the hang of the laptop. so sorry about the typo's.

[Freya]

that was on my laptop on my desktop right now still getting the hang of the laptop. so sorry about the typo's.
ya i figured it had to be something like that... kinda off topic question but is your lapton PC or Mac???

[Neo-Hunter]

pc and the pointer is the cheepest the company which i will not name installed according to my C.I.S. friend.

[Neo-Hunter]

When we were we together it always felt like time had stopped just for us,
Now everything has come crashing down, your feeling hurt my sorrow runs deep like
The river of blood that I have spilled for you, why must we be like this in pure hatred for
Each other forgiveness is a virtue that I used too many times and it feels like a repercussion for my actions and this is my final forgiveness for what I have done with my life.

[Freya]

postivily wonderful! i think this is some of your best work in a while!!!!! *is happy and proud for CY* very nice, short, simplistic and sweet... (SSS... a math term! oops sorry...) okay ya no, good though!! i liked it alot!!!

[Neo-Hunter]

well here's another one


Running through the darkness I see you near, these personal demons keep me away
The battery I call life is draining from me, the thing that kept me going from a life of
Loneliness and then your voice call out from the wind and I start to look towards the sky and remembering you every time the wind blows and I now know my destiny to be with you.

[Freya]

then your voice call out from the wind and I start to look towards the sky.
I remember you every time the wind blows and now know my destiny is to be with you.

okay this made sense but i think you mean "calls" also, i think theres to many "ands" in this sentance i think you can get rid of the one (and make a new sentance) after "sky" i kinda changed it as you see with the addition of a few small words... lmao i hope i dont like offend you by doing that, but i think it just sounds a bit better... before it was a run-on and it sounded off.... other than that one run-on part it was nice! good job!!!!! :hug2:

[Neo-Hunter]

ahh new poem up.



Wakening up in the cold morning I can feel your body next to me,
The warmth you give with your radiance is so nurturing to me, feeling your bosom next to my chest ask you hold on to me like your dear life depended on it, I cress your hair and kiss you on the forehead for you weep in sorrow as you tell me the news of how I died long ago and that I can’t not be here, but I gently say that “I am here right with you and never let you go for we belong together” please never misunderstand me as I prepare to go to battle, putting on this armor of anguish and leaving my fear behind me.

[Freya]

this ones really good.... i really like this one although i think you missed a few words and the ending is a little confusing just becasue you were like in bed and suddenly your going to war? other than that i thought it was nice... reminded me of the one who i miss... lol! :p

[Neo-Hunter]

A while.

You said we were through I waited here for you,
You said I lost my edge and am not the same as I was
For this I only have one thing to reply to you,
I was gone a while and now I have returned, this is where
I make my stand and hopefully you won’t get in my way or I will
Declare open war and you will parish because you have seen my wings,
The wings of the devil some say I consider this a treat but as usually I stand alone in the deep darkness still as a protector.

poem 2

As I look in to the cold winters night,
I only think of you as you waver back and forth through the shadows of these hollowed halls, you say to me that this day and age people should be moving forwards, their lives but you live in a depression state,
I only reply I died once and you were the cause of it now these once winter nights are warmer like the sun that arise from the ash like the phoenix from the fire. Now the days are much better and my life is anew.

[Freya]

omg i liked the second one! but i think you should say "arose" or "arises" not arise.... maybe its just a typo and you ment arises but ya... i'm really glad to see you working agian! i missed reading your stuff CY!! so welcome back! :p

[Neo-Hunter]

The Coldest winter night’s I arose to the sound of a haunting noise,
A small tapping outside, I cringed and thought “it’s late at night, who is that”
I opened the door and their you were almost covered in snow, you fell in my hands and I carried you to the fireplace took off your clothes and with dire whispers you say “thank you”, I still carry on that night in my head as I lay here deep in thought as you slay me and the blood drips from the sword, you say to me good bye my love and I say nothing
In fear and depression as I die.

[Freya]

this one doesnt really make sense... it kinda jumps around... like your sleeping and than awaken or whatever by some girl whos in snow... and than you strip her... and than suddenly this girl that like has hypothermia (sorry for the spelling... again i suck) but she like kills you???? why???? sorry.... idk its a good like story line, like it could be good with work... sorry...

[Neo-Hunter]

Time trensends through the ages, it has been through it all man's greatest fear is that time will end, but some might think it as a hope for it will bring peace into one's generation, Not today someone recalls maybe in the future but in Time trensends through the ages bringing hope and courage to a generation of old.

[Miaka Lee]

Hey CY love you poems! Though it seems that you two are talking in between, I just want to say wow their just over all greatness.

[Neo-Hunter]

In this poem I implie something you'll get it.


She gives us shelter, with her trees, she feeds us when we are hungry, keeps us warm and cold but she never ask for a thank you or money for she can't speak but people speak for her she is a very fragile person who keeps us commited, She see's all but to her hearts contend she can't do anything but she understands through her wisdom and beauty for she is mother nature and she is a friend.

[Freya]

it was a little choppy at first, but it got good at the end, lol and ya i (hope) i got what you were implying.... (to have more of an apriciation towards mother nature????? sorry about my spelling, i already know i suck :S ) but ya i didnt really get your other poem.... i'm sorry i had to read over it a little faster than i like to but it seemed to have an interesting story line, but i didnt really get it.... sorry

[Neo-Hunter]

Untitled

The Soft Autum breeze reminds me of the days we spent,
watching the leaves turn colors, those vibrent colors the red, yellow and brown it remined me of the same color gown the one you got as a present from the time of your birth from your parents now i look at you in the same colors in which it reminds of the days we spent together.

[Freya]

short but sweet.... you need some more punctuation and i think you could cut up the second line and make it two like so:

watching the leaves turn colors, those vibrent colors the red, yellow and brown,
it remined me of the same color gown the one you got as a present from the time of your birth from your parents now i look at you in the same colors, in which it reminds of the days we spent together.

idk it just seemed a little run-togeather on the second line... (that might not be the best place to break but it was the best place i could find at the moment.... gah i have zero time) but ya its short and sweet as i sad before.... lol its cute CY (i love reading you work again.... :D )

[Neo-Hunter]

The day that the earth stood still, was not of weapons or of war nor the hatred of man
It was the fury of each other in reaction to the kill, life has gone awry and now people have come together for a common good, Pandora’s box is open and people look in awe for it has brought injustice and greed to those of heart, war famine and diseases have come and gone but how long will peoples hatred last? Weeks, months or years no one knows the time but they all know the consequences of this I hope every one learns from their mistake.


poem 2

Alone

Now that you have vanished I feel more pain without you and lonely and alone I wish for you to return, but it will take more than my despite cries of loneliness to get you back I now am beat and bruised staying here lifeless in a deep void of a thing I call alone.

[Freya]

eh i didnt really like the first one, it needs more punctuation (ie commas lol!) and the second one was good, but i don't like the over use of "lonely" and "alone" try to find some other word to use, but other than that it was good n_n yeah so second > first. :p but i'm glad to see you posting new stuff Cruz!!! :hapbounce

[lady_kiyano]

i have a few i made.

Scorpion
My sting is lethal.
With wenom that kills.
Ive been fighting this battle with mercy.
Toying wiht you just to put a smile on my face.
Now your the one being hunted.
The tables have been turned my dear snake.
Your on my list of the wanted.
One thing you need to know you are always alone.
You think you have friends but wait until they bite you.
It may not be now or it could be later.
The scorpions sting will take hold

My Love
for the one i love

I can still feel the pain even now.
even if you are so far gone.
I still can feel your lips on mine for the last time.
When your hand fell so did apart of me.
Even if it is so far gone i still can hear your last word.
Here is what i should have said to you.
I love you now and for ever more.
Here is my gift to you.

I need you
I am alone.
No one is there to help me when im down and out.
But the question is will u?
I have been striped of joy and love.
But the question is will u help me one last time.
i need you once more.
could you be my love and bring it back to me.
so can u set me free?
I will be free to love you as much as u love me.
Here are the words i have to say to you.
I....love you!

Dancing
Im dancing alone.
Dancing this dance of life.
Swaying and singing as the days go bye.
Jumping, skiping and swooping to avoid the truth.
Trying to make ends meet when i got nothing at all.
Im dancing this dance of life.
Dancing on with your happy tune.
Why do i keep dancing?
I keep dancing for you

[Freya]

ohhh i really liked the last three, although you used the wrong "bye" in the third on, i think it should have just been "by" but yeah i really liked them! you're a good poet and i would love to hear more from you n_n

[Neo-Hunter]

tHEY aren't bad Lady Kyano, but i think you posted in the wrong thread this is my personal thread, but it really doesn't matter so if you want to put some go ahead

[Freya]

tHEY aren't bad Lady Kyano, but i think you posted in the wrong thread this is my personal thread, but it really doesn't matter so if you want to put some go ahead

or if she wants, there is a thread here called "your poetry" started by Philip which is for people who want to just post a few poems so idk it keeps new threads down or whatev, but its just for anyone who wants to post any poetry really n_n

[Neo-Hunter]

one of the new ones.
Demons

My Inner demon is calling in my mind, beckoning me to feed it, I turn it away
Not thinking of it, it wants me to feed the rage deep inside of me, I sense its been sometime since I killed someone or raped a girl for the feelings, The luscious blood that drips from the veins of the dead is like liquid honey to me I want to drink from it but it only reminds me of those of whom lost, this quandary that I have now the beckoning getting stronger, harder to control the many look at me and I quiver in fear now that my inner demon is released I fear that you run!

Rain drops

The night was quite, then it began to rain I look to the sky, wondering
“Why does it have to rain”? God hates me in a simplistic way the earth beckons for water As It cringes like a man in a desert gasping for dear life, I continue to walk in the rain despising everything for whence it came, The people, plants and all walks of life for the deep sadness in my life is my only repose.

[Freya]

well, other than the fact its all one big sentance, its good! There are a few gramatical errors too (like instead of using "whom" you could say "reminds me of those I lost") and its a little confusing at this part:

"I have now the beckoning getting stronger"

maybe like instead it could be "and now the beckoning is getting stronger" idk i think maybe, by accident you missed a word. (i do that all the time hehehee) but i like the idea/story line of it... oh also, the rape/killing girls party didnt really like make much sense, its just kind of put in there. Yeah i love the discriptive words you use though, good good!

[Neo-Hunter]

The Inner joy that we once shared, are violently shattered as you came in my bed.You took my hands and tied me to the bed you beat me in such a rage that the bruised ribs of pain, you tell me that I am your slave and you are my master, I am worthless and a igornat fool. I onced called you my girfriend now I call you nothing.your twisted acts of plesure leave me in pain as you rest on my chest after the shameful deed is done you draw out a sword and trust in to mychest, only you utter these words in my ear "no evidence left behind".

poem2
Stolen

This life I live is stolen, I faked my life to live like a celeberty just to win your heart, I Claim to own it all and shower you with things that don't belong, but the cruel twist of fate left you in the hosptial and me without a lifeless motion kneel by your side, I feel sorry that I lied and I cry in pain but these tears are no surprise. For I lived life in a farce and you were an innocent soul involved.

[Freya]

ohhh i really liked the first one, quite sadistic.... idk i just enjoyed it lots, and the punctuation helped sooo much! Thanks Cruz! ummm the second one was good, but this line confused me: "without a lifeless motion kneel by your side" idk i just didnt get that, but otherwise it was thought provoking. Good job on both, other than the bit of confusion!!!! *hugs*

[Neo-Hunter]

Poison

The poison you drew from your mouth makes me sick in the brain,
In feeling sorrow I feel remorse and lost, your words that you speak are
Like venom from a snake. You claim to be a messenger but only of death and destruction Has my mind? hath gone derange! For the poison that you spew made me the pure hatred I see In the mirror or is this another one of your sick and twisted games? For the poison that you spew makes
Me sick in the brain.

[Freya]

Poison
messenger but only of death and destruction Has my mind? hath gone derange!

confused at this part... i think you have the question mark in the wrong place but yeah becaue "Has my mind?" isnt a complete sentance but maybe i'm just reading it wrong? idk but yeah i liked it and i like how you kind of said the same thing for the first line and the last line, with slight variation... (i usaully dont enjoy repetition of words... but some people can pull it off, like you did! n_n) yeah so just that one little bit was like "umm... huh?" but otherwise it was thought provoking, i liked it! :victory:

[Neo-Hunter]

yeah, i know about that, i couldn't think of anyother thing else.

[Freya]

so like you can't reword that part?

[Neo-Hunter]

Winds of change.

The winds of change are upon us,
the time of collecting good fortune are indeed needed
to be acquired, the colors of the leaves change in illumination
as the sun goddess disappears and the goddess of ice appears, In
time this part of the world only will she cover the earth with snow and the cold, the testimonial of hero's and heroines are
story of greatness for the past comes alive and hopefully in time the
winds of change guides you in the right path.

[Freya]

insparational! i liked it n_n i like how it was all about nature kinda, and the transition between winter and fall... (my two favourtie seasons!) good job, i dont really see anything that needs to be improved, although that one line is really long, maybe you could make it go like this:

time this part of the world only will she cover the earth with snow and the cold,
the testimonial of hero's and heroines are stories of greatness,
for the past comes alive and hopefully in time,
the winds of change guides you in the right path.

i changed it a little bit (from story to stories) and just made the lines shorter... just a suggestion, but otherwise it was really good!!!! n_n

[Neo-Hunter]

You assumed that you can Trust him
even though his anger is his rage,
his jelousy is one of his virtues
he beats you and you repay by loving him so
but you must understand that he will let you go
making sure your are nothing but crap,he will have his way
until he puts you to rest, the veins are cut open and blood spews
out for he has killed you and left you dead and now its time i made
my peace for the person i once called friend.

[Freya]

you need to remember punctuation! lol, ummm I didn't like the language in this one as much as your others. It wasn't as colourful or exciting... to me this one was fairly bland for you. I especially didn't like the word "crap" in there, it just seemed out of place. Dirt or possibly shi!t would have been better; dirt would have been like, not as crude, and shi!t would have been more graphic or powerful, if you follow. I really loved your ending though! Although, it may have flowed better like this possibly:

"...the veins are cut open and blood spews out for,
he has killed you and left you dead.
Now it's time I made my peace
for the person I once called friend."

just a suggestion! Otherwise I really liked the ending, didn't like the "crap" in there, and the language wasn't as colourful or powerful as it usaully is.

[Neo-Hunter]

The times have changed lives are amiss
the once young are now the generations
old, for we were all comrads in arms and now
wait to die, these flowers are still in the tree as
we left them to fight in the war now its time to
leave in peace.

[Freya]

it was insparational... i must admidit i dont fully understand what the poem is talking about (cause i like to think of things as extremely deep >.>; ) so yeah but its interesting, i like the part about hte flowers still being on the trees n_n

[Neo-Hunter]

East V.West

A showdown between two torn souls,
once they showed resilence now show
hatred toward each other, both torn apart by war
now intact they fight for the love of one but thier hearts are
not with the same emotions as one will this war go on forth or
will this be the end.

[Ninja Realist]

Cruz, I can't take your poetry seriously if you don't use proper spelling and grammar.

[Freya]

Cruz, I can't take your poetry seriously if you don't use proper spelling and grammar.

yeah better grammar and punctuation would help bunches... (sorry... we're kind of nit-picky huh?) Also, ummm yeah I'm going to sound dumb asking this but, what's "resilence"?

[Neo-Hunter]

Srry about that here i create a new one

This one kiss that we had brings us memories of the past,
We used to be a great couple but now lovers, torn by hate
You once said that “you’ll never leave me” but I must carry
On this world need peace in time "I hope you will forgive me
This is the promise I left" now its nothing but a bunch of words in
The garbage for I have finally lost in my perfection, and the grunt has made
Me into the killer I once was.

[Freya]

Srry about that here i create a new one

This one kiss that we had brings us memories of the past,
We used to be a great couple but are now lovers, torn by hate
You once said that “you’ll never leave me” but I must carry
On this world need peace in time (<--- this is EXTREMLY comfusing, I have no clue what you're trying to say here, sorry CY)
"I hope you will forgive me"
This is the promise I left.
Now its nothing but a bunch of words in the garbage.
I have finally lost in my perfection, and the grunt has made
Me into the killer I once was.


I changed it up a little bit... maybe you like it maybe you don't, its just a suggestion. I added the word "are" highlighted the super confusing part and rearanged/took out a few words in the last little bit. I hope you don't mind but what do you think? It definatly needs work, but it has potential! Rewrite if you wish n_n and I hope you don't mind my suggestions! *hugs*

[Neo-Hunter]

Friends.

Friends are people, who support you through your incompetence
Anger, rage and jealousy. They are the shoulder your cry on when
The good turns to bad, hatred turns into evil and joy turns to pain
Without friends how do you get the help you need? Or fill an empty void in
Your life, I’m thankful I have friends and hope to help them in their time of need
Because a friend in need is a friend indeed.

Trials.
Through this endless city walls, crumbled in complete destruction
Signaling the end of a 30 year war between family and friends, through
The eyes of one solider who’s weak at heart takes a deep sigh and says
“Now the battles are through families lose sons and daughters, wives and husbands
To achieve ones peace would take one’s inner courage to complete this daunting task”
To the ends of the earth through heaven and hell, to spread peace is a way of life.


Idle tears

The tears that you spill on your dress is an explanation of my mistakes,
The hatred I scream on to you has made you depressed and Enraged, those idle
Tears not wanting to spill now, that your tender voice hasn’t spoken since,
Makes me wonder what to do next, these apologies go wasted for your anger
Says it all for forgiveness, is still in your mind but you will not utter those words,
Those idle tears make me understand you so clear.


To a child

A mother once said to her child while she was taking a bath
“the greatest joy you can give is being yourself and taking in
Life to the fullest” People will respect you and beat you but
Take it in stride, those life long accomplishments will be
Your guide, the life that you live should be better to understand
Life is a journey you yourself must take, to be the stronger person in
Mind and spirit.


The angel

The angel walked among us, in the light of day
People stood in shock and awe and asked if he was
Here to stay, the angel replied the world as you know is
Coming to an end, god’s wrath is upon us and I have been sent as
A messenger, repent your sorrow ways or feel the torment of the devil,
As you burn in hell, an angel walked among us, in the light of day
Only to bring new of death and destruction to shock and amaze.

[Neo-Hunter]

I uselly don't double post but these new sets have got to come here now.

The Stare

The room was Silent, everyone was in shock
When they all look at me the stare say it all
How could you? the innocence felt of a child
Torn away by hate, remembrance is all that is felt
With these eyes as they stare those cold blooded eyes
Following my every move waiting for me to speak
In silence they look waiting for the kill.



Innocence

The innocence of a child can not be broken,
Even if they lived through times of hate or even
War, They are not Mass murders, not warriors, nor homicidal
Freaks, they are the innocent in which we all speak, we once were
These innocent child in our parents eyes but now the time has come to
Be the one who sustains the innocence to avenge our childhood lost.


Outbreak

The Virus spilled all over, consumed by it all the frozen stare,
Coming from my blood like eyes, denotes the evil that has come
To mind, you cringe in fear as you utter “the demon has awoken”
You try to hid in your fears by running in shock, but the devil in me has once
Again, been thirsting for the taste of human blood.



Intertwined

Your life and mine are intertwined as fate has put it,
The good with the bad, like a double edge sword forged
In both heaven and hell, angels guide us as demons mock us,
For we travel as one mind and two spirits intertwined by this strange and ubiquitous
Glue that bonds us together, for the hate and love we share goes no where.






Ladybug

This small and cynical creature, that is covered in small black dots
Fly’s around to make sure our crops are not abound, the creature so gentile
That it dare not hurt a human hair, for it buzzes around this giant world searching
For that special place just to call home.

[Freya]

"Ladybug" reminds me of my room, because its filled with them >.>;

I like "The Stare" and "Innocence" they're good, and idk I like your wording choices... but you use stare like twice in one of your poems and once in another, and it just sounds repetitive after a while.... (thesauras my brother!)

Anyways, sorry, I haven't read your last post (school has been killing my time) so i'll probably comment on them later, but these new ones are pretty good n_n :thumbup:

[Neo-Hunter]

Thanks. now i get on to newer ones later today.


Virus II

Hiding in fear, has made you scared of knowing what is going to happen
The virus has consumed me and in shock you try to approach, but stay near
The roses on the ground my unkempt appearance of a grotesque monster has gotten you
Worried, only the utterances “ will he kill again?”




Double-Edge sword.

This double edge sword created by demons and angels used for striking the most
Unwonted creatures they call humans, “you have been chosen to do gods work” said
One angel who claims that the hatred in the world must be stopped and a new era forged by
Tears and bloodshed must occur, go as the judge and jury and use the unforgiving times as a
Pinnacle of your skill in combat for you alone have god’s blessing and the consent of the devil.
Go fast young warrior in this time of dire need.

[Neo-Hunter]

Some new poems up its been a while but here they are:
Darkness.
The Darkness of your heart has really engulfed me into
The harsh reality, of your Backstabbing ways, in time the revenge
Of one will be your down fall but the heart and soul of one’s self will take
Control and diminish your darkness into an abyss, never to pollute or admonish
The darkness of your heart will destroy us all.


Rich

Looking at you, looking at me your thoughts of me disgust you in every retrospect,
You may have the cars and clothes and the money but you will not have what I will,
You think that money can by friends but its like the Midas touch every thing will turn to gold after your riches are gone to waste and it will be your demise,
Assuming your place with the “It” crowd has been dethroned please don’t come to me
And ask for my friendship for I will be even richer than you in friends and family who are always their.


River.

As the river slowly moves I see time at hand, all of history in a river the hate, lies and fear of man on this river of glass and sand, why has the keeper of the river been moved and me in place as I lay on this boat waiting for my time to end I recognize the feelings of immortality and the feelings of hatred, that is a beast under the darkness as I lay here on this river of history.

[punkusa20_2001]

I enjoy anyone who is willing to express themselves through art, especially writing :) keep it up. I just dont think this thread format does much to compliment it, I thought the river was good but i think the punctuation, and length of stanzas can be adjusted. Also have you ever tried spoken word or slam poetry?

[Neo-Hunter]

Thanks and i don't think i want to try those you have reffered i get scared in front of audiences. but thanks for the comments.

[punkusa20_2001]

no, same with me on being nervous i have only performed 2 or 3 times. But spoken word is really fast tempo and emotional almost to the point of yelling, it really gives a freedom to write.

[angelsblood]

No one
Where’s my savor? Where’s my knight that I loved? You’re not him. Where’s the shoulder you let me lean on? I’ve cried too many tears cuz I got in too deep

Lies are thrown about like leaves in the fall wind. I can’t take it anymore, I refuse to die on my back, belly-up and say I quit. Every lie I hear drives to the heart like a pissed off stake that was driven in but wont come out.

I have been hurt by all and loved by none, I’m the forgotten child of my mother’s womb I hear see ingest thing no one would believe, so my story goes untold cuz I am drowning in my won sorrow, I want out but I trust no one so I’m stuck here I refuse to let it out or be known.

[Freya]

Darkness.
The Darkness of your heart has really engulfed me into
The harsh reality, of your Backstabbing ways, in time the revenge
Of one will be your down fall but the heart and soul of one’s self will take
Control and diminish your darkness into an abyss, never to pollute or admonish
The darkness of your heart will destroy us all.

This one is good, I liked it a lot, but idk the ending sounds a little funny to me. I think you could take off the last sentance and put "again" after admonish and it might sound better. idk it just sounded kind of weird but it was good overall!


Rich

Looking at you, looking at me your thoughts of me disgust you in every retrospect,
You may have the cars and clothes and the money but you will not have what I will,
You think that money can by friends but its like the Midas touch everything will turn to gold after your riches are gone to waste and it will be your demise,
Assuming your place with the “It” crowd has been dethroned please don’t come to me
And ask for my friendship for I will be even richer than you in friends and family who are always their.

Do you mind if I edit this one or make suggestions? The flow is a little off and some of the wording is confusing. (I'll wait for you to get back to me before I do anything if you let me) :)


River.

As the river slowly moves I see time at hand, all of history in a river the hate, lies and fear of man on this river of glass and sand, why has the keeper of the river been moved and me in place as I lay on this boat waiting for my time to end I recognize the feelings of immortality and the feelings of hatred, that is a beast under the darkness as I lay here on this river of history.

you need punctuation in this one-without punctuation its hard to get the flow-but the whole story is good and I really really like it and I think it would be even better with a few commas and stuff. Good work CY n_n I'm glad to see you still posting and writing! I like reading your stuff

[Neo-Hunter]

Thanks. but the first one is about anguish and hatred of a girl on me.

[Freya]

mmmk, I think I get it better now that that's cleared up, thanks CY! *hugs*

[Neo-Hunter]

Winter Harvest.

The Winter harvest has been completed, the food for the winter has been stored
The animals are all prepared for their blissful sleep as the bears roam, they all look weary from all of the collecting that they did the winter harvest has been completed for the animals to enjoy the winters.



Snow

Its snowing here,on this tranqil day as the memories flood of our one time joy, the days of utter cold was vanquished by the warmth of your heart, now there is nothing left but this barren feeling,
I wait for you everyday but the days turn into months. months into years as for you once came into my life like a free flowing river to enlighten one who’s heart was too cold at the time. Now as I visit your grave and leave roses on your marker, these cold snowy nights just becomes a vivid memory for me and the rest.

[Neo-Hunter]

Blitz

The day of the Blitz all of the warriors moved on the small town,
Only to be stopped, not by an army, or a navy but by a maiden
In tears. the General did decree “ whoever touches the hair of this young one’s head Will pay the price by burning in hell”. The day of the blitz only parts of the town survived only the maiden was the one left in the tears that were frozen in time, the day that the Blitz took place no one loss their life.
but the maiden stood still who witness will haunt her for the rest of her life.

[Tremolo]

After that stunning piece of genius 'Blitz', I feel this thread deserves the ultimate Tremolo acolade:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v345/Mizuiro/highquality6mz.gif

[Neo-Hunter]

I know it was that bad. I haven't posted in a while so i had to bring this bad one out.

[Tremolo]

Cruz man, I'm not joking - that was a HIGH QUALITY poem in a HIGH QUALITY thread.

[Neo-Hunter]

explain.

[Niner]

Erm. Okay, here goes with the whole "serious critque" business.

First two lines, fairly innocuous, bland stuff. It loses something when you say "air force" because that's not traditionally a military force mentioned in poetry, especially if you mention "warriors" and "small town". This makes me think, "oh, ancient battle site" or something. Then you go and whip out "air force". Oh, and the title of the poem. Blagh. "Blitz" is a word that invokes feelings of speed, suddenness and the like. Your poem doesn't do any of that, either in form or in words. It's a good rule to remember that the title should at least try to fit the work in some way.

Urgh. The second half. I think you must've broken your comma button, because your poem broke my eyes with your lack of punctuation. I had no idea what the hell was going on. Something about a maiden, frozen stuff, burning, and Blitz. And that kinda made me hungry, because I usually watch football (Blitz) having good, chilled beer (frozen stuff), hot buffalo wings (burning) served to me by a pretty waitress (maiden). So in some weird convoluted way, you got some message to me. I doubt it was the message you were trying to convey, though.

Yeah, it sucked.

[Neo-Hunter]

thanks niner I think it should be more in context now. check it out.

[Neo-Hunter]

Two new poems up.

Adulterous wounds ( a married woman’s plight)

These scars will not heal, the blood will not stop from flowing
The ever anger of your hatred used In vengeful sex has injured me for the last time.
I will leave you and your mistress so you may endure your own demise and misfortune, you insist on Me to stay, but I don’t. I leave broken hearted and still with hope for this is the last time You will use me as your own way of twisted pleasure. You command me to “come back” But I resist walking away for one last time.



Notice

I always wondered how you would ever notice me, you look around in a sea of moving bodies but their I stand looking at you, you walk right by me and don’t say a word, running around hiding your emotions like your on a merry- go- round, your heart say to find him, but your brain says to leave now you don’t even know what to do but, I still Notice you in a far distance searching for what you want is true.

[Freya]

You need to use more periods and its "Merry-go-round"

n_n

[Sakito]

If you put the poem into lines instead of a whole paragraph it will look more like a poem, but Freya is right you do need more periods or you could just divide it all up into three or four big sentences. I would really suggest like I said before to make the poem into lines it will look alot better. ^ ^




~Sakito~

[Freya]

If you put the poem into lines instead of a whole paragraph it will look more like a poem, but Freya is right you do need more periods or you could just divide it all up into three or four big sentences. I would really suggest like I said before to make the poem into lines it will look alot better. ^ ^




~Sakito~


well, idk I think this is kinda either unique to CY or lmao he's just lazy *pokes CY* but idk he always does his poems like that, I don't think I've ever seen him do differently but yeah it would look nicer if he broke up his poems but I doubt thats happening anytime soon. Idk you get used to it after a while :madhopA:

[Neo-Hunter]

Thanks for all of the comments here is two new ones I written hopefully their good!

Silence

Silence was the name of the game.

We were two star crossed lovers in a tangled web of lies and deceit.

Never spoke to each other, Clinging on to only the rumors of friends.

We stated the facts and complied the questions and came up of a solution!

The lies spread by others destroyed our romance which caused Silence,

But this day we shall over come the silence and make what’s right.

Angst

Depression hits like a missile into the minds of the youth.

Misguided by What they assume is love, Stressed out by peer pressure

And above all the school work has left many a scar. What to do with all this

Teen Angst but only to strive through it day by day, The words of others try

to mend

The wounds only to open new ones.

But you must take it day by day the healing will soon Begin.

[Freya]

I liked the second one, but I think you capitalize to many unnessicary (sp?) words. Like, in the first poem you capped "silence" in the fourth line, you don't need too, as well as words in the second. Other than that, I like how you made it look all nice and neat, it really makes it easier to read and look at so thank you for that improvment.

[Neo-Hunter]

Endless Thoughts

These Endless thoughts are becoming a reality.

Thinking everyday, walking away for one last time

These endless thoughts are provoking me, using and abusing me.

The will of my mind is more like jell-o compared to these thoughts I remember.

Now this gun to my temple and a pull of the trigger makes these endless thoughts

Disappear into the night sky like a tear drop in your eye.



Reality

Reality hit me today, it felt like a punch in the stomach,

Knowing how I felt was all to real like this has happened

Before, knowing that it’s was a human waiting for me

Like a hunter at night. It was staking me and my fantasy

To bring me down like a wall of tumbling rocks, the end is near

Now I just fear what I can’t imagine. Which is reality and normal

Life.

[Kiba]

Endless Thoughts

These Endless thoughts are becoming a reality.

Thinking everyday, walking away for one last time

These endless thoughts are provoking me, using and abusing me.

The will of my mind is more like jell-o compared to these thoughts I remember.

Now this gun to my temple and a pull of the trigger makes these endless thoughts

Disappear into the night sky like a tear drop in your eye.



Reality

Reality hit me today, it felt like a punch in the stomach,

Knowing how I felt was all to real like this has happened

Before, knowing that it’s was a human waiting for me

Like a hunter at night. It was staking me and my fantasy

To bring me down like a wall of tumbling rocks, the end is near

Now I just fear what I can’t imagine. Which is reality and normal

Life.
Well I don't like reading dark poems much, simply because they don't appeal to me and because I usually can't relate to them, but your's are pretty good, but for the most of the lines seem rather bland. These two poems lack some sort of creativity.

[Freya]

Endless Thoughts

These Endless thoughts are becoming a reality.

Thinking everyday, walking away for one last time

These endless thoughts are provoking me, using and abusing me.

The will of my mind is more like jell-o compared to these thoughts I remember.

Now this gun to my temple and a pull of the trigger makes these endless thoughts

Disappear into the night sky like a tear drop in your eye.

I liked this one a lot, like it had great rythem and was easy to read. I just overall enjoyed it a lot and theres really nothing that can be improved on it.



Reality

Reality hit me today, it felt like a punch in the stomach,

Knowing how I felt was all to real like this has happened

Before, knowing that it’s was a human waiting for me

Like a hunter at night. It was staking me and my fantasy

To bring me down like a wall of tumbling rocks, the end is near

Now I just fear what I can’t imagine. Which is reality and normal

Life.

This one was okay, although not as enjoyable as the first and I highlighted a part where I think you just messed up a little bit. It was interesting but definatly not my favourite and it was a little hard (for me) to find a rhythem. Otherwise though yeah I liked reading them, I'm glad you're back writing n_n *hug*

[Neo-Hunter]

Alone

I walk alone no one to guide through the dusty towns, and dirty streets

The things I see and the people who whisper, as I go by just fade away.

Like theNight sky only in the time of anger do I get pushed far from these

people who seem Not to care who I am or what I was. They abandon me and

the thoughts I have only to Come back to me in nightmares of the past. So I

walk alone though the dusty town and The streets to a place where I can call home.

[Sakito]

Alone

I walk alone no one to guide through the dusty towns, and dirty streets

The things I see and the people who whisper, as I go by just fade away.

Like theNight sky only in the time of anger do I get pushed far from these

people who seem Not to care who I am or what I was. They abandon me and

the thoughts I have only to Come back to me in nightmares of the past. So I

walk alone though the dusty town and The streets to a place where I can call home.

I think the poem was great, but I have something I would like to fix about it.
When you say Like the Night sky only in the time of anger do I get pushed for from these people who seem Not to care who I am or what I was. Maybe you could put it like this. Like the Night sky only in the time of anger do I get pushed far from these people.
The people who seem Not to care who I am or what I was.

I think in a way it would make the poem flow a little better.


~Sakito~

[Neo-Hunter]

thanks for the reply I had trouble with pasting it and it deleted some of my lines in the poem it should have read as follows " Like the Night sky only in the times of anger do i get pushed far away from these people only to find one who seems to care, as these people who seem not to care what I was and who I am"

[Neo-Hunter]

To the Girls of AA.

You girls may bitch, moan and complain, launch us guys into space

Your favorite hero is Annie may and you want to shoot two twenty in

The brain, at least it’s not hormonal and still stick with all of us even in

The time of randomness. fighting for the ultimate rank of Miss AA at least we won’t Start a riot or complain.
Happy Valentines Day From C.Y. the man of the shadows.

[Freya]

To the Girls of AA.

You girls may bitch, moan and complain, launch us guys into space

Your favorite hero is Annie may and you want to shoot two twenty in

The brain, at least it’s not hormonal and still stick with all of us even in

The time of randomness. fighting for the ultimate rank of Miss AA at least we won’t Start a riot or complain.
Happy Valentines Day From C.Y. the man of the shadows.

ah ahahahah I just noticed in your sig, you spelt my name wrong! (silly Cruz!) anywho, ummm cute poem, happy valentines day to you!

[Neo-Hunter]

Two fresh poems they go together. enjoy!

Debate.

Thrown into this debate, Like a Ballistic Missile about to blow.
I was wondering why we were fighting like this? Hatred to each others
As the echo’s get louder, best of Friends turned into lovers and then to enemies.In the Brightest day’s of our small and petulant lives. “Who the one who started this” I yelled in a Deep tone, “ don’t you dare take it out on me” she said, as our friends watched in horror as we raised our weapons. No not pots and pans, but more of Samurai swords and armor the first strike was a jab right through her shoulder as she screamed in pain and anguish as she drops her sword, I throw mine, as our friends leave us alone because as I command. We hold each other covered in her blood.



First to last.

The first blow was the last in time, we were never to fight it shouldn’t have come to this
As I sit in my car. A small figure sat in my lap at It purred I started caressing it with the blood still dripping on my hands, “I took her to the hospital” as I said to my cat, “ I told them she was hurt during practice” as I continued talking. But my cat knew of the bold face lies, it has seen the epic battle as a creature not understanding why. “ she’ll be out in a few days” then she’ll come to get her stuff. I hope I can patch it up as I Sit in my car
Hearing her screams and anguish as I hold the trigger in my car.

[Sakito]

Debate drew me in very fast, as I read on with the poem I seen that anger can inflict affection. While reading the second poem that ties alon with the first, I started to get lost in it but after two more times of going through the two it sank in and I understood more. One thing why would he want to hold the trigger? I enjoyed reading them any way.


~Sakito~

[Neo-Hunter]

a newer poem, And Kiba i know it was bad so back off. just messing. enjoy


Sorrow and Trickster

Their I slept in a deep slumber in my dreams did I see those two,
Small and fragile flying like little fairies who were they as I pondered?
Why did they follow me in this barren land as I trudged through the mud
In this depressing mood, they would fly near me and I swat them away they wore this small black and red dress as I closely observed when they came at me again. They would whisper in my ears. A small devious way their tricks are upon me as I thought. What are they doing? Suddenly the ground gives way as I fall into a massive vortex. These Fairies did this why though? Then I noticed once again theses Fairies were Sorrow and Trickster The ones who impeded doom . As I watch as they dance and me still falling then comes the Climax which will end it all. As I slept in a deep slumber in my dreams I seen the Fairies in which I scream.

[Freya]

a newer poem, And Kiba i know it was bad so back off. just messing. enjoy


Sorrow and Trickster

There I slept in a deep slumber in my dreams did I see two.
Small and fragile, flying like little fairies "Who were they?" I pondered.
"Why did they follow me in this barren land?" I trudged through the mud
in this depressing mood. They would fly near me, I would swat them away. They wore small black and red dress's I closely observed when they came at me again. They would whisper in my ears. A small devious way "Their tricks are upon me," I thought. "What are they doing?" Suddenly the ground gives way as I fall into a massive vortex. These Fairies did this? Why though? I noticed once again, these Fairies were Sorrow and Trickster. The ones who impeded doom. I watch as they dance (instead of "and" put "at" or "over") me still falling, then comes the Climax which will end it all. I slept in a deep slumber, in my dreams I saw the Fairies at which, I scream.

Sorry Cruz, I extensivly corrected it... it didn't fully make s